An interesting article
On a late day in September 2010 my life changed forever. Now its time to pick up the pieces and see where the road leads from here.
08 February 2013
28 January 2013
An open letter to Foster Parents
I have thought long and hard about what I would say to the Foster Parents and Group Home staff who have been taking care of my children during this ordeal. So I have decided to take what I have to say, and say it to all Foster Parents and Group Home staff every where. First I know that there are many reasons for going into this field of work. Being a foster parent is a serious task. I should know because not to many years ago I was a foster parent for a relative who was in a bad situation. It was not an easy task, and it was not always a task full of praise and thanks. That is not why we did it. We did it because a child we knew needed a safe place until she could be returned home. We did it because it was the right thing to do. There are some who enter into the Foster Parenting role for less then ideal reasons. For the most part I am not talking to those parents. If you are the type of foster parent who make up the statistic that says a child is 10 times more likely to be abused or neglected in care as they are out of care, well all I have to say is shame on you. I hope they have a special section in Hell just for you.
To the parent who is not in the above category for those parents in our case, I want to say at the outset of this letter one thing. "Thank you!" I cannot say it loud enough "THANK YOU!" You have been there for my child when I could not be. It is not that I have not wanted to be there for them. I have. I have begged the courts and the powers that be through whatever means at my disposal to allow me to see my children. To allow my children to come home where they belong. The truth is at this stage of the ordeal I may not be allowed to be there for them for a very long time. I will never get to pick them up after they fall off there bicycle again. May never get to bandage a skinned knee. I may never get to wipe a tear from there eye as they cry over a broken heart. I may never get to meet there date for the school dance, and maybe put a little bit of the fear of Dad into him. I will never get to help them with there math homework, or attend a parent teacher conference. I will never join a PTA, or serve to help my child's school. You will. You will get to do all of these things and so much more. There probably getting too old for this but if they need it your the one who will have to chase away the monster from under the bed. For all of this that you will do, and have done, in my stead I say, "Thank You."
I do have a word of caution for you however. You see while you have been told all sorts of things about me and my wife, they may not all be true. To CD I am a monster who would hurt my child, and have hurt my child. The fact of the matter is I am no monster. I am an imperfect man, trying to do my best to raise my children right. In that regard I am not much different then you are. Have I made mistake, yeah sure I have. I challenge any parent out there to say otherwise. I have never intentionally harmed, or sexualized my children. I know you have been told otherwise. I cannot speak for all the bio-parents out there but I know I speak for many of them. We have tried and tried to state our case but no one seems to want to listen. The system labeled us and now everywhere we go we carry that label around with us. Our children are sensitive and subject to misdirection at the hands of those who feel they are trying to help. If you can, if you will, tell them that there mother and I love them very much. We are fighting for the truth, and we are fighting for them.
I pray for you as often as I can. You have a thankless job. Your charged with raising another persons child. While in some cases that is a necessary thing. In others it is not. Be kind to my child, love them, protect them, and listen to them. I cannot do these things except from afar. I will never stop loving them. I will never stop fighting for them. I see no reason to fight you or be your enemy. We want the same thing, to raise a lovely young daughter into a beautiful self-confident woman. So I close this letter with two words and a prayer for you.
THANK YOU! May God grant you wisdom, and the ability to show the way to him for the children in your care.
To the parent who is not in the above category for those parents in our case, I want to say at the outset of this letter one thing. "Thank you!" I cannot say it loud enough "THANK YOU!" You have been there for my child when I could not be. It is not that I have not wanted to be there for them. I have. I have begged the courts and the powers that be through whatever means at my disposal to allow me to see my children. To allow my children to come home where they belong. The truth is at this stage of the ordeal I may not be allowed to be there for them for a very long time. I will never get to pick them up after they fall off there bicycle again. May never get to bandage a skinned knee. I may never get to wipe a tear from there eye as they cry over a broken heart. I may never get to meet there date for the school dance, and maybe put a little bit of the fear of Dad into him. I will never get to help them with there math homework, or attend a parent teacher conference. I will never join a PTA, or serve to help my child's school. You will. You will get to do all of these things and so much more. There probably getting too old for this but if they need it your the one who will have to chase away the monster from under the bed. For all of this that you will do, and have done, in my stead I say, "Thank You."
I do have a word of caution for you however. You see while you have been told all sorts of things about me and my wife, they may not all be true. To CD I am a monster who would hurt my child, and have hurt my child. The fact of the matter is I am no monster. I am an imperfect man, trying to do my best to raise my children right. In that regard I am not much different then you are. Have I made mistake, yeah sure I have. I challenge any parent out there to say otherwise. I have never intentionally harmed, or sexualized my children. I know you have been told otherwise. I cannot speak for all the bio-parents out there but I know I speak for many of them. We have tried and tried to state our case but no one seems to want to listen. The system labeled us and now everywhere we go we carry that label around with us. Our children are sensitive and subject to misdirection at the hands of those who feel they are trying to help. If you can, if you will, tell them that there mother and I love them very much. We are fighting for the truth, and we are fighting for them.
I pray for you as often as I can. You have a thankless job. Your charged with raising another persons child. While in some cases that is a necessary thing. In others it is not. Be kind to my child, love them, protect them, and listen to them. I cannot do these things except from afar. I will never stop loving them. I will never stop fighting for them. I see no reason to fight you or be your enemy. We want the same thing, to raise a lovely young daughter into a beautiful self-confident woman. So I close this letter with two words and a prayer for you.
THANK YOU! May God grant you wisdom, and the ability to show the way to him for the children in your care.
21 January 2013
Two Crimes for the Price of One
I have been thinking what to post for my second real entry into the blog after its metamorphosis. There is so much that I need to say and so much that I feel I must write. I thought I would start here. The blog will undoubtedly take on a life of its own as I explore topics that are wholly more relevant to our situation, but I cannot escape this fork in the road. I will be taking the right fork, but that does not make the left fork any less significant or real, especially for those who find themselves on it. And by left and right I mean no comparison to the political meanings poured into those two words, I could have easily said Fork A and Fork B. There are two basic flaws in the current CPS system, and a meaningful discussion of reform must by necessity acknowledge both. The problem is those of us involved in the system tend to focus on one flaw or the other, probably because it is the one we are dealing with, and we ignore, or even deny the other. In many ways it is dificult for those of us involved to see the reality of the other and some have chosen to fight more with the other camp then with the real culprit CPS. I have read enough books, blogs, and personal testimonies to believe that both crimes do occur, even within the same agency, and sometimes by the same agent.
The two Camps I shall Call Camp A and Camp B (probably better then the right left designation I used ealier). Camp A is composed of those who cannot seem to get CPS to act when it would and should be appropriate for them to do so. I must admit that from my point of view I find it difficult to believe that this happens, but it does. I do not know if the rational is money, that does seem to play a factor in CPS's decision making. I have read countless accounts of women who cannot get visitation stopped or limited with a spouse they believe is abusing there children. In many of these cases there is ample, and convincing evidence that abuse may be occurring. At the very least you would think that supervised visitation would be more appropriate then unsupervised. For those of you stuck in this situation I feel for you. I feel the pain of having your children out of your sight and control, and being unable to stop what as a parent you should be able to stop or control.
Camp B is the situation that we find ourselves in. That is CPS pushing through to the Nth degree when there is no cause for such severe reactions. Parents are restricted from seeing there children, TPR's are granted on the flimsiest of evidence. Less restrictive interventions are completely overlooked or untried and the children are pushed in one door and out to the door that says adoption with no thought or regard to even attempting to keep the family together. I fought for 2 years to even see my girls before the TPR and was denied on all but three occasions, and I believe those only happened because of a mistake by the Case manager. Now into this camp are two distinct subgroups. First are those who are guilty, but who through therapy and hard work can relearn appropriate parenting skills. The second are the innocent. They are guilty of nothing more then bad timing, poor judgement, or having an investigator with a warped, and overactive imagination.
As you can see CPS has many victims. While it is bad for the parents who find themselves trapped in the nightmare it is even worse for the children. I am convinced there is not a foster parent alive who could live up to the exacting standards CPS puts Bio parents through. The Children are the ones who are being traumatized and damaged by mere exposure to the system. My heart breaks not for my own pain, but for the pain of the child who is trapped in a system without a voice. GAL's and CASA's regularly substitute there own agendas over that of the children they pretend to represent. My children begged and cried to see me, and rejoiced when they did get to see me. There GAL would not hear of it, because I was unrepentant, just because I would not admit to something that did not happen. One statistic I have seen is that there are 17 cases of unnecessary removal for every 1 of legitimate abuse.
Both these crimes need to be investigated. While I have no hard evidence, my gut tells me that if we look closely at these two crimes we will see money playing a big role in these decisions. CPS is a broken and corrupt system. What price are we paying for the ability to pat ourselves on the back and lay our head on the pillow believing that we are making a difference in the lives of children. We are not. We are destroying children and families at an alarming rate.
The two Camps I shall Call Camp A and Camp B (probably better then the right left designation I used ealier). Camp A is composed of those who cannot seem to get CPS to act when it would and should be appropriate for them to do so. I must admit that from my point of view I find it difficult to believe that this happens, but it does. I do not know if the rational is money, that does seem to play a factor in CPS's decision making. I have read countless accounts of women who cannot get visitation stopped or limited with a spouse they believe is abusing there children. In many of these cases there is ample, and convincing evidence that abuse may be occurring. At the very least you would think that supervised visitation would be more appropriate then unsupervised. For those of you stuck in this situation I feel for you. I feel the pain of having your children out of your sight and control, and being unable to stop what as a parent you should be able to stop or control.
Camp B is the situation that we find ourselves in. That is CPS pushing through to the Nth degree when there is no cause for such severe reactions. Parents are restricted from seeing there children, TPR's are granted on the flimsiest of evidence. Less restrictive interventions are completely overlooked or untried and the children are pushed in one door and out to the door that says adoption with no thought or regard to even attempting to keep the family together. I fought for 2 years to even see my girls before the TPR and was denied on all but three occasions, and I believe those only happened because of a mistake by the Case manager. Now into this camp are two distinct subgroups. First are those who are guilty, but who through therapy and hard work can relearn appropriate parenting skills. The second are the innocent. They are guilty of nothing more then bad timing, poor judgement, or having an investigator with a warped, and overactive imagination.
As you can see CPS has many victims. While it is bad for the parents who find themselves trapped in the nightmare it is even worse for the children. I am convinced there is not a foster parent alive who could live up to the exacting standards CPS puts Bio parents through. The Children are the ones who are being traumatized and damaged by mere exposure to the system. My heart breaks not for my own pain, but for the pain of the child who is trapped in a system without a voice. GAL's and CASA's regularly substitute there own agendas over that of the children they pretend to represent. My children begged and cried to see me, and rejoiced when they did get to see me. There GAL would not hear of it, because I was unrepentant, just because I would not admit to something that did not happen. One statistic I have seen is that there are 17 cases of unnecessary removal for every 1 of legitimate abuse.
Both these crimes need to be investigated. While I have no hard evidence, my gut tells me that if we look closely at these two crimes we will see money playing a big role in these decisions. CPS is a broken and corrupt system. What price are we paying for the ability to pat ourselves on the back and lay our head on the pillow believing that we are making a difference in the lives of children. We are not. We are destroying children and families at an alarming rate.
16 January 2013
Legally Kidnapped: Darcy Van Orden - Child "Protective" Services
Legally Kidnapped: Darcy Van Orden - Child "Protective" Services
This is a great video I wish we had an advocate like this on Missouri.
15 January 2013
Metamorphisis
Many years ago, I decided to start a blog. It was never overly successful. It was a blog about life with depression and the struggles that brings to the Christian walk. Well I have not been cured of depression, so that will still play a large role in what I write about. My life and the priorities in my life have however undergone a unique transformation. I figured it was time my blog under went that same transformation. Maybe at some point I will think of a new name for the blog, but for now I will leave that the same. I have however listed it under cpscrimes which I think is fitting considering the push CPS or Children's Division as it is called here in Missouri gave us down this road.
This is not a blog with many answers. As such it is not unique. One only has to do a quick search on CPS and corruption and one will find a myriad of websites, blogs, Facebook groups, twitter feeds etc. that tell one or more person's stories about CPS. The problem isn't a local one, or even a national one, it is a global one. Country after country, state after state, county after county, community after community are experiencing the horrors of which I speak. Strangely enough the national and even local media turn a blind eye to what is happening. We have an epidemic of child abuse in this country so no one wants to be seen as soft on protecting the children. The problem is they ignore the abuse that is being perpetrated in the name of protection. Politicians and the media need to hear about the crimes, and find some motivation to do something about it.
So if my voice isn't necessaril;y unique, and I have no answers to offer, why am I raising my voice? Well I guess quite simply to be a "Who". You see when crisis threatened Whoville it took all the whos shouting in unison to attract the attention of the powers that could prevent the crisis. Maybe my voice is not unique, maybe it is just another shout in the crowd. I have to believe, I have to have hope, that just maybe, by a slim margin, it might be the voice that tips the scale. It might be the voice that finally gets the right persons attention. Maybe its just one voice to get another person motivated to start shouting.
In future posts I will tell more of my story. I will flesh out what has happened to us, and what we have been doing to fight the system and win our girls back. The bottom line in all of this is the girls. They are out there lost and alone and clinging to whatever hope is being offered to them. I have confidence in the God I serve that he will not abandon them to the wolves. That he will keep and protect them through whatever storm may be raging in our lives. There world may be filled with lies about who and what their parents are, but there hearts will always in some corner know the truth of the Love that we have for them. My heart breaks not at the pain I myself feel, but at the pain that I know my children must feel at the cruel hands of those who seek to protect them from a monster that does not exist.
To my children I would say this. I Love you and your mom loves you very much. You were God's gift to us, and we will never stop fighting for you, and for the truth as long as we have breath and a means to express our voice. "Be strong and courageous [my little ones], be not afraid nor dismayed for the king of Assyria [or Childen's Division], nor for all the multitude that is with him: for there be more with us than with him:"
This is not a blog with many answers. As such it is not unique. One only has to do a quick search on CPS and corruption and one will find a myriad of websites, blogs, Facebook groups, twitter feeds etc. that tell one or more person's stories about CPS. The problem isn't a local one, or even a national one, it is a global one. Country after country, state after state, county after county, community after community are experiencing the horrors of which I speak. Strangely enough the national and even local media turn a blind eye to what is happening. We have an epidemic of child abuse in this country so no one wants to be seen as soft on protecting the children. The problem is they ignore the abuse that is being perpetrated in the name of protection. Politicians and the media need to hear about the crimes, and find some motivation to do something about it.
So if my voice isn't necessaril;y unique, and I have no answers to offer, why am I raising my voice? Well I guess quite simply to be a "Who". You see when crisis threatened Whoville it took all the whos shouting in unison to attract the attention of the powers that could prevent the crisis. Maybe my voice is not unique, maybe it is just another shout in the crowd. I have to believe, I have to have hope, that just maybe, by a slim margin, it might be the voice that tips the scale. It might be the voice that finally gets the right persons attention. Maybe its just one voice to get another person motivated to start shouting.
In future posts I will tell more of my story. I will flesh out what has happened to us, and what we have been doing to fight the system and win our girls back. The bottom line in all of this is the girls. They are out there lost and alone and clinging to whatever hope is being offered to them. I have confidence in the God I serve that he will not abandon them to the wolves. That he will keep and protect them through whatever storm may be raging in our lives. There world may be filled with lies about who and what their parents are, but there hearts will always in some corner know the truth of the Love that we have for them. My heart breaks not at the pain I myself feel, but at the pain that I know my children must feel at the cruel hands of those who seek to protect them from a monster that does not exist.
To my children I would say this. I Love you and your mom loves you very much. You were God's gift to us, and we will never stop fighting for you, and for the truth as long as we have breath and a means to express our voice. "Be strong and courageous [my little ones], be not afraid nor dismayed for the king of Assyria [or Childen's Division], nor for all the multitude that is with him: for there be more with us than with him:"
Labels:
abuse,
adoption,
Children's Division,
Corruption,
CPS,
Depression,
false allegations,
false memory syndrome,
foster care,
Juvenile Court,
kidnapping,
neglect,
parental rights,
physical abuse
09 January 2008
Happy New Year
It is hard to believe that a new year has started. So much has changed over the course of the last year and so much has remained the same. We are now 8 years into a new decade. A View has been around now for since 2003. A lot has happened since that time and my idea of having a blog that was a daily journal of my life just hasn't panned out. Now I must come to the dilemma do I keep the blog going or do I pack it in and try something new. I think that I will try one more time to make a go of it. I had dreamed that by now I would have at least a few regular readers, and those who would post comments. I must confess a few disappointments in this area. Though that is quite possibly my fault.
Well a New Year is the ultimate in new beginnings. So I will be making a new beginning to A View. We are starting over in many ways this year. We have started to attend a new church. One were there is less chance of having the past rear its ugly head. I have started a new job at work. It is enjoyable but carries with it its own stress. I am determined to try and get my web design business up and running, that is going to take some work and unfortunately some money.
I must admit that I am really fighting the depression and with it the desire just to run away and do nothing. It is a despair feeling that no matter what I do it just will not work. We are in serious financial difficulties, have some serious transportation issues, housing is sub par and barely meets our needs. I really just want to throw my hands up and say enough is enough. I give up, I have no more fingers to stick into the dike to hold back the tide. I know this is not the right feeling, but it is the urge that is overwhelming me right now. There is so much I want to accomplish this year. Some of the items I am looking at accomplishing this year, not in any particular order.
1) Establish my business in Springfield.
2) Read the Bible on a regular basis.
3) Write more (my blog and maybe do some short story or novel writing)
4) Improve my marriage in at least 1 tangible way.
That is enough for one year. Now I just have to figure out how to do it.
Well a New Year is the ultimate in new beginnings. So I will be making a new beginning to A View. We are starting over in many ways this year. We have started to attend a new church. One were there is less chance of having the past rear its ugly head. I have started a new job at work. It is enjoyable but carries with it its own stress. I am determined to try and get my web design business up and running, that is going to take some work and unfortunately some money.
I must admit that I am really fighting the depression and with it the desire just to run away and do nothing. It is a despair feeling that no matter what I do it just will not work. We are in serious financial difficulties, have some serious transportation issues, housing is sub par and barely meets our needs. I really just want to throw my hands up and say enough is enough. I give up, I have no more fingers to stick into the dike to hold back the tide. I know this is not the right feeling, but it is the urge that is overwhelming me right now. There is so much I want to accomplish this year. Some of the items I am looking at accomplishing this year, not in any particular order.
1) Establish my business in Springfield.
2) Read the Bible on a regular basis.
3) Write more (my blog and maybe do some short story or novel writing)
4) Improve my marriage in at least 1 tangible way.
That is enough for one year. Now I just have to figure out how to do it.
17 September 2007
I was reviewing some of my older posts. I found one here where I took this personality test. For grins I took it again and while I found the original very interesting I found the changes to be equally interesting.
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low
URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low
URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html
Time & Motivation
Never enough time to do the things I want to do. When there is time there is no motivation. Motivation is one of my biggest hangups. There is so much that I want to do, but just cannot find the motivation to do. It is getting better with the start of the new medicatons. It stillis not where I want it. Maybe my motivation will never be 100% but it could still stand some improving.
Then there is my scatter brain syndrome. When I do find some bit of motivation I start work but cannot keep on task long enough to complete one thing. Take this journal entry I think I have done 3 or 4 things other then write just because I thought of them.
Well that is all for today, my goal is to really try to write at least once a week. To say something, about anything but say it often (grin). Quite possibly those of you who read these words will say that most of my posts are a little something about nothing. Well that may be the case. I know I am doing well to post once a month, so that is why I am setting my goal higher then that.
Then there is my scatter brain syndrome. When I do find some bit of motivation I start work but cannot keep on task long enough to complete one thing. Take this journal entry I think I have done 3 or 4 things other then write just because I thought of them.
Well that is all for today, my goal is to really try to write at least once a week. To say something, about anything but say it often (grin). Quite possibly those of you who read these words will say that most of my posts are a little something about nothing. Well that may be the case. I know I am doing well to post once a month, so that is why I am setting my goal higher then that.
13 August 2007
Been a while
Wow, its been a while since I have written. What has happened in the time frame. So much it is hard to even put into words. Life has been very interesting to say the least. Maybe I will go through and touch on the highlights in future posts, but for now suffice it to say I am back. My situation in general has not changed. I have been off meds for about a year now. I see a doctor this afternoon so we shall see where that goes.
Life off meds has been extremely difficult. I struggle daily with simple motivation to do much of anything. Probably the main reason why I have neglected this blog for so long. Rather then fight through the pain and actually get something accomplished I have found that I more often just fall back into the easy do nothing attitude.
I am working on a new website, and I really need to focus on that. It is extremely difficult and my thoughts seem to jumble every time I try and focus. What should take me a matter o minutes ends up taking hours. Dealing with this beast of a computer has not helped either. The biggest problem I seem to be having is focusing. I am trying to do 4 or 5 things at once and not accomplishing much of anything.
Oh well before this entry becomes a hodge podge of disjointed ideas I will close this out for now. Hopefully I will work at this one day at a time and maybe with a little grace of God be able to get more of this fleshed out a little.
Life off meds has been extremely difficult. I struggle daily with simple motivation to do much of anything. Probably the main reason why I have neglected this blog for so long. Rather then fight through the pain and actually get something accomplished I have found that I more often just fall back into the easy do nothing attitude.
I am working on a new website, and I really need to focus on that. It is extremely difficult and my thoughts seem to jumble every time I try and focus. What should take me a matter o minutes ends up taking hours. Dealing with this beast of a computer has not helped either. The biggest problem I seem to be having is focusing. I am trying to do 4 or 5 things at once and not accomplishing much of anything.
Oh well before this entry becomes a hodge podge of disjointed ideas I will close this out for now. Hopefully I will work at this one day at a time and maybe with a little grace of God be able to get more of this fleshed out a little.
20 October 2006
Motivation
Just setting here wondering what to say. It has been a while since I have written and I should probably write something. I want to write something but I also feel this weight hanging over me. So much I want to do and so much that just doesn't seem to get done. I just don't seem to have motivation to do anything.
Motivation is the main thing that I see missing from my life right now. Oh I could blame it on the lack of medication and I am sure that has a lot to do with it. I just don't know where to turn these days. It seems like everytyhing just takes so much energy and I don't have the energy to do the things that I know need to be done.
Motivation is the main thing that I see missing from my life right now. Oh I could blame it on the lack of medication and I am sure that has a lot to do with it. I just don't know where to turn these days. It seems like everytyhing just takes so much energy and I don't have the energy to do the things that I know need to be done.
07 September 2006
Missouri's Stem Cell Initiative
http://centralassembly.podomatic.com/entry/2006-08-31T16_56_52-07_00
The following link will take you to a pod cast of a very informative panel descussion on the up coming Stem Cell Initiative that Missouri residents will be voting on in November.
The following link will take you to a pod cast of a very informative panel descussion on the up coming Stem Cell Initiative that Missouri residents will be voting on in November.
23 August 2006
Back in the Saddle
Ok, not sure how many are still around to read these ramblings but I am back. Hopefully for a little more regular installment plan. Anyway there is so very much that has happened in the past couple of months that it is hard to know where to start.
1) Our biggest news is that we are no longer in Wisconsin. I fear I have left my home for what looks like the final time. Maybe someday when I am rich and famous I will be able to retire there but for now I am with my family in Missouri. Don't get me wrong Missouri is a beautiful state but it is no Wisconsin. Wisconsin was my home and will always in my heart remain my home. The children are having understandably mixed reactions as we prepare them for the start of School in a few days.
2) I had the wonderful privledge of experiencing the services of Missouri's Division of Family Services. Someone did me the dubious honor of filing a false child molestation report against me and my son. The charges have been dropped but let me tell you whoever said a person was presumed inocent until proven guilty never had to face the police on these kinds of charges. It is over now (at least I hope it is) and life can resume some normalcy.
3) Medications. While I was doing fairly stable on my new medication regime I am now at the mercy of a different insurance. Over $100.00 a month for my medications and that is even leaving one off the list. Some have said I should be lucky that it is only $100.00 a month but that is still expensive and I am not sure how we can afford it. Not when You figure that we will have to add my wifes medication to that ammount to and that stands to be at least as expensive as mine. Right now I have been off my medications for several weeks and I can sure feel the difference.
4) My dear son is back in the hospital. They have taken him off his lithium and put him on a anti-depresent. He is on a stimulant in the morning for his ADHD, and an anti-depresent at night. This seems a little scary to me as he no longer has a mood stabalizer and he is on two medications to elivate his mood. Saw him in the hospital and he is noteably upset. He just appeared angry and had a chip on his shoulders. The hospital lost a pair of his pants and he is mad about that. I had to repeat several times for him to quit yelling at me as he was talking about the incident. We have an appointment with the family councilor on Thursday so hopefully we can get some answers.
Well those are the four major events in my life at the moment and I will try to keep you updated on a little more regular basis.
1) Our biggest news is that we are no longer in Wisconsin. I fear I have left my home for what looks like the final time. Maybe someday when I am rich and famous I will be able to retire there but for now I am with my family in Missouri. Don't get me wrong Missouri is a beautiful state but it is no Wisconsin. Wisconsin was my home and will always in my heart remain my home. The children are having understandably mixed reactions as we prepare them for the start of School in a few days.
2) I had the wonderful privledge of experiencing the services of Missouri's Division of Family Services. Someone did me the dubious honor of filing a false child molestation report against me and my son. The charges have been dropped but let me tell you whoever said a person was presumed inocent until proven guilty never had to face the police on these kinds of charges. It is over now (at least I hope it is) and life can resume some normalcy.
3) Medications. While I was doing fairly stable on my new medication regime I am now at the mercy of a different insurance. Over $100.00 a month for my medications and that is even leaving one off the list. Some have said I should be lucky that it is only $100.00 a month but that is still expensive and I am not sure how we can afford it. Not when You figure that we will have to add my wifes medication to that ammount to and that stands to be at least as expensive as mine. Right now I have been off my medications for several weeks and I can sure feel the difference.
4) My dear son is back in the hospital. They have taken him off his lithium and put him on a anti-depresent. He is on a stimulant in the morning for his ADHD, and an anti-depresent at night. This seems a little scary to me as he no longer has a mood stabalizer and he is on two medications to elivate his mood. Saw him in the hospital and he is noteably upset. He just appeared angry and had a chip on his shoulders. The hospital lost a pair of his pants and he is mad about that. I had to repeat several times for him to quit yelling at me as he was talking about the incident. We have an appointment with the family councilor on Thursday so hopefully we can get some answers.
Well those are the four major events in my life at the moment and I will try to keep you updated on a little more regular basis.
22 March 2006
Dealing with people
It has been, what two months since my last post. Doc has put me on some new medication. Seems to be working great, if I can manage a few of the side effects that is. Almost hate to bring them up to doc as I do not want to loose the benefits of the med. Anyway that is not really the subject of this post.
The subject of this post is my struggle to deal with people and criticisms. More then likely it is perceived criticisms. I am not sure at all if they are meant to be criticisms or not. It is frustrating because I want to throw my hands up and say, "Here you do it, see if you can do any better!" I want to run and hide and not be hurt. I don't really think they are out to hurt me it is just that (yet again) I am betrayed by my feelings.
Those are the times that I think I would give up any benefits I am getting from the meds to go back to not feeling at all. I don't and I won't do that (obviously). At least not of my own volition (that is a subject for another post). I just struggle with this fight or flight response to the littlest things it seems these days. Maybe I am just noticing it more that I am on the meds. You know thinking about it that may be what my depression was all about. Fleeing from everything! Now I know I am doing it, or at least I care about the fact that I am doing it.
Life is funny that way I think. You become depressed to stop feeling the hurt, and you stop feeling everything. Ok, that may be, or that is a very oversimplification of the process. The problem is that you still have the pain when you start to come out of the depression. Or in my case bipolar. I just keep taking it one step at a time, and work through everything as I go but it is so hard not to run. My wife says its an all or nothing attitude (grin). She would like that I admitted its true.
The subject of this post is my struggle to deal with people and criticisms. More then likely it is perceived criticisms. I am not sure at all if they are meant to be criticisms or not. It is frustrating because I want to throw my hands up and say, "Here you do it, see if you can do any better!" I want to run and hide and not be hurt. I don't really think they are out to hurt me it is just that (yet again) I am betrayed by my feelings.
Those are the times that I think I would give up any benefits I am getting from the meds to go back to not feeling at all. I don't and I won't do that (obviously). At least not of my own volition (that is a subject for another post). I just struggle with this fight or flight response to the littlest things it seems these days. Maybe I am just noticing it more that I am on the meds. You know thinking about it that may be what my depression was all about. Fleeing from everything! Now I know I am doing it, or at least I care about the fact that I am doing it.
Life is funny that way I think. You become depressed to stop feeling the hurt, and you stop feeling everything. Ok, that may be, or that is a very oversimplification of the process. The problem is that you still have the pain when you start to come out of the depression. Or in my case bipolar. I just keep taking it one step at a time, and work through everything as I go but it is so hard not to run. My wife says its an all or nothing attitude (grin). She would like that I admitted its true.
07 January 2006
Stigma
Why is there such a stigma associated with Mental Illness. Recently my sone who is diagnosed with bipolar qualified for SSI benefits. Now if our son was disabled and in a wheel chair no one would think twice. Recently my wife commented on the relief it was that we no longer had to worry about his medical care. She was told by a friend that maybe she shouldn't talk about it because people might not understand. My question is understand what?
I am bipolar, and I am beginning to be bolder about acknowledging that. The rub is that I have lost two jobs directly related to my illness. This makes it difficult for me to talk about it. If I had Diabeties then no one would think twice about it. They would understand the expensive medical treatments. But because it is a "Mental Illness" they do not understand.
It is sad really. There is so much that we can learn from those who have mental illnesses. Some of our greatest thinkers, artist, and such had some form of mental illness. Everytime I post here it is a scary experience. While I am growing bolder in admitting to my illness, I do realize the sterio types associated with mental illness. I wonder some time if someone I know will wander in here and recognize something that I have said. What will there responce be if they do? I know I shouldn't worry about that but I do. Well its late and tomorrow is an early day.
I am bipolar, and I am beginning to be bolder about acknowledging that. The rub is that I have lost two jobs directly related to my illness. This makes it difficult for me to talk about it. If I had Diabeties then no one would think twice about it. They would understand the expensive medical treatments. But because it is a "Mental Illness" they do not understand.
It is sad really. There is so much that we can learn from those who have mental illnesses. Some of our greatest thinkers, artist, and such had some form of mental illness. Everytime I post here it is a scary experience. While I am growing bolder in admitting to my illness, I do realize the sterio types associated with mental illness. I wonder some time if someone I know will wander in here and recognize something that I have said. What will there responce be if they do? I know I shouldn't worry about that but I do. Well its late and tomorrow is an early day.
01 January 2006
Happy New Year
Well the new year is on us. We went over to my parent's house for a party. Surprisingly even my son and my nephews seemed to get along. Some minor problems but none near as bad as we had at Christmas. We did go see Narnia this afternoon with my son and 6 year old daughter. I wanted to take my 14 year old too, but she balked so much that we let her stay home. She was also upset that she had to go to the party at my parents. She wanted to go to a party at her boy friends house. She did not seem to understand my concerns with her being out that late with her boyfriend. I am not sure I did the best job explaining my concerns. She is growing up, and I know that I have to start letting go and trusting more. I cannot protect her forever but I do want to protect her for as long as I can. Its a father thing I guess.
I want this new year to be different. I want to bring my family back together after all that has happened to tear them apart over the past couple of years. I just wish there was a clear way to go. Some instruction book that told me how to do what needs to be done. That is the problem with life there is no instruction manual. No way to tell if your making a mistake until after you have made it.
I want this new year to be different. I want to bring my family back together after all that has happened to tear them apart over the past couple of years. I just wish there was a clear way to go. Some instruction book that told me how to do what needs to be done. That is the problem with life there is no instruction manual. No way to tell if your making a mistake until after you have made it.
30 December 2005
The Return
I can not believe that almost a year has past since last I wrote on these pages. I turned 41 yesterday not that doing so had much to do with my silence. I have thought about this blog many times and many times I have not when I probably should have. This has been a year from hell quite literally. We lost our home and were forced to move in with my parents late in 2004. Shortly there after I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I say shortly it was one in the same day. That started us down a long winding road that would lead my wife to threaten suicide twice and my son attempt it once himself. Living conditions became unbearable for my wife so she ran out on me took the kids and filed for a restraining order to keep me from seeing her or the kids. We did eventually reconcile but it has been a rough road. We lived for a time in a homeless shelter until we at last quite literally found a house at the last hour.
That has been my year in a nutshell. It was a long painful year. It was a year filled with grief, but also one filled with joy. Life has begun anew in many ways for us. Ohh it has not and is not easy. I am still working a dead end job. It seems that the management is reluctant for whatever reason to move me from my current position to one of greater responsibility. Partially I do not blame them. There are times when I doubt my readiness to take on the responsibility. Will the pressure of such a position just push me back over the edge.
I try to stay focused on the positive things in my life. There is so much negativity around me that it is difficult not to get discouraged. My oldest daughter is 14 and just now discovering boys. She wants little if nothing to do with the family. I wonder some times if she has even turned her back on God. Much of it may just be typical teenage stuff, but there has to be some element of her being effected by the mental illness that plagues our family. My son who like his mother and me is bipolar. He is even with medication VERY difficult to handle. He can have such an explosive temper, and then at other times be the most loving boy you have ever known. He is 13 so telling what is normal adolescent behavior and what is a result of his mental illness is even more difficult then with my daughter. While she retreats into the company of her friends he has no such luxury. How I long for a peer that can come along side him and be his friend despite his differences. I had one or two of those true friends and they made all the difference in my growing up. My 6 year old is following in her brother's footsteps. She is such a chatter box and has to be doing something constantly. Yet the things we need her to be doing she will not do. Our 3 year old is a holy terror. If she isn't into something she is asleep dreaming about getting into something. It is all my wife can do to manage her own symptoms of bipolar but add my 3 year old into the mix and it is a disaster.
That is all for now. There is so much more I could say. I just hope this will not serve as the final entry until next year. So much is changing with the blog and the community, particularly our move to our own domain. I just hope that doing so will draw readers to this place and they will find some comfort, some challenge, or something in the words that I or others will write here.
That has been my year in a nutshell. It was a long painful year. It was a year filled with grief, but also one filled with joy. Life has begun anew in many ways for us. Ohh it has not and is not easy. I am still working a dead end job. It seems that the management is reluctant for whatever reason to move me from my current position to one of greater responsibility. Partially I do not blame them. There are times when I doubt my readiness to take on the responsibility. Will the pressure of such a position just push me back over the edge.
I try to stay focused on the positive things in my life. There is so much negativity around me that it is difficult not to get discouraged. My oldest daughter is 14 and just now discovering boys. She wants little if nothing to do with the family. I wonder some times if she has even turned her back on God. Much of it may just be typical teenage stuff, but there has to be some element of her being effected by the mental illness that plagues our family. My son who like his mother and me is bipolar. He is even with medication VERY difficult to handle. He can have such an explosive temper, and then at other times be the most loving boy you have ever known. He is 13 so telling what is normal adolescent behavior and what is a result of his mental illness is even more difficult then with my daughter. While she retreats into the company of her friends he has no such luxury. How I long for a peer that can come along side him and be his friend despite his differences. I had one or two of those true friends and they made all the difference in my growing up. My 6 year old is following in her brother's footsteps. She is such a chatter box and has to be doing something constantly. Yet the things we need her to be doing she will not do. Our 3 year old is a holy terror. If she isn't into something she is asleep dreaming about getting into something. It is all my wife can do to manage her own symptoms of bipolar but add my 3 year old into the mix and it is a disaster.
That is all for now. There is so much more I could say. I just hope this will not serve as the final entry until next year. So much is changing with the blog and the community, particularly our move to our own domain. I just hope that doing so will draw readers to this place and they will find some comfort, some challenge, or something in the words that I or others will write here.
19 April 2005
I am still here
I sit here, and I know that I should be going to bed, but it dawns on me that I have not written in a while. I have been paper journaling from the book 40 days of purpose. A while back I tried to journal the book here, with little success. The paper journal seems to be working.
My wife and I did something two weeks ago that has been phenomenal. Those of you who read regularly (ok there is little regular about this blog) will know that my marriage has seen better days. Several months back I attempted suicide the situation in my marriage had decayed that badly. Well that was before 2 weeks ago. Oh we are still in the same financial moray that we ever were, but our marriage is back on track.
We attended Marriage Restored weekend. Wow, what a diference three days can make. If you have experienced heartache in your marriage man I strongly urge you to give this program a try. It has done wonders for my marriage, and even our kids are starting to see a change after only 2 weeks of using the tools they provide.
Well I'll close for now. Wanted for there to be at least one up beat message in here.
My wife and I did something two weeks ago that has been phenomenal. Those of you who read regularly (ok there is little regular about this blog) will know that my marriage has seen better days. Several months back I attempted suicide the situation in my marriage had decayed that badly. Well that was before 2 weeks ago. Oh we are still in the same financial moray that we ever were, but our marriage is back on track.
We attended Marriage Restored weekend. Wow, what a diference three days can make. If you have experienced heartache in your marriage man I strongly urge you to give this program a try. It has done wonders for my marriage, and even our kids are starting to see a change after only 2 weeks of using the tools they provide.
Well I'll close for now. Wanted for there to be at least one up beat message in here.
07 January 2005
Better Late then Never
Here I am again. Life has just gone from bad to worse over the past six months. We lost our home and are now living with my parents. This has created a lot of stress and strain on the family. The pressure got so bad that I attempted suicide a few months back. Spent a week in the hospital and I am currently trying to rebuild my life without loosing any more of my sanity.
The tension is pretty great around here at times. Mostly we ignore it and don't talk about it. The problem is that is not helping the situation. Eventually there is a blow up and after letting off some steam we all go back to ignoring he problem.
The tension is pretty great around here at times. Mostly we ignore it and don't talk about it. The problem is that is not helping the situation. Eventually there is a blow up and after letting off some steam we all go back to ignoring he problem.
28 August 2004
Happy Birthday
I cannot believe that this experiment has lasted an entire year. I know that I could have written more but I think things have gone fairly well for the first year. It looks like through the generous donation of space by Rampant Lion Web Design we will have at least another year to come. I want to do more with the site, it is just hard to deal with everything that has been happening and keep a positive attitude. Working with the Brat Pack has helped. Even if I do not write as often as I want, the Pack has helped me keep the site active by posting some of my creative expressions on the web. I enjoy graphics and it is great fun to be pushed to complete something every week.
A View from My World is one year old. What do I want from the year to come? Well I want to see more consistent writing. Hopefully we can even generate some discussion in the bulletin board section of the Community pages. I want to work on some special projects like a History of my disease. How did I get where I am. For that matter where am I? (Is that even a proper sentence?) Anyway trying to get a handle on my disease and the day to day fluctuations in my emotional balance will be one of the key items up for discussion.
Well I am starting to babble, and that is a bad thing. Lack of sleep can do that to you. That is one of the problems with this experiment. When I have time to write I am also exhausted from working all night. Makes for some very disjointed entries. Bare with me, hopefully year 2 will be a better year all the way around then year 1 was.
13 August 2004
Random Thoughts
Thought I would take a few spare minutes and write a bit. Waiting on my wife to get back from the store. It is very agrivating because she has this habbit of doing this when I have to go to work. So I am left wondering if she is going to make it back in time. That is life, one of those things that I cannot chage.
Life is life right now. I have not been 100% in taking my medication so my moods have been fluctuating a little. Ok, fluctuating alot lately. Its better then when I was off the meds but it still is not really good. The weight of our financial situation is a tremendous burden.
My daughter said the other day that she would rather be dead then poor like we are. She didn't know I was still awake and was talking to her mother. She couldn't know how very much her words hurt. I would give almost anything to be able to bring enough money in to meet our needs. As it is there is not enough to pay everything we need to. Seems we are always robbing Peter to pay Paul as the saying goes. Doesn't look like we will have enough money to even send the kids to the fair this year.
Well the wife is home so I will close for now. Hopefully I will write more often in the future.
Life is life right now. I have not been 100% in taking my medication so my moods have been fluctuating a little. Ok, fluctuating alot lately. Its better then when I was off the meds but it still is not really good. The weight of our financial situation is a tremendous burden.
My daughter said the other day that she would rather be dead then poor like we are. She didn't know I was still awake and was talking to her mother. She couldn't know how very much her words hurt. I would give almost anything to be able to bring enough money in to meet our needs. As it is there is not enough to pay everything we need to. Seems we are always robbing Peter to pay Paul as the saying goes. Doesn't look like we will have enough money to even send the kids to the fair this year.
Well the wife is home so I will close for now. Hopefully I will write more often in the future.
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