Raising a Modern-Day Knight. I found this article interesting since I was going to touch on the subject matter anyway. With me working nights it has been ever increasingly more difficult to do the things that I used to with my DS. I was up to this job VERY active with the local cub scout pack. This year is his last year of Webelos. He moves up into Boy Scouts next in a couple of months. Up until this year I was his Den leader and my DW helped as an assistant DL. However this year I have had to push most if not all the DL responsibility onto my DW. She has handled it gracefully, but I know it was not a role that she really wanted.
I wonder some times if it is too late. You see DS and I have our differences. It is difficult for his 12 year old mind to understand his own ADHD, let alone his Dad's Bipolar. Most of the time he sees me as the disciplinarian, the one who yells alot. I really do not want to have that define our relationship, and scouts was one way that we were reconecting. I am hoping that will start to change with Boy Scouts. It is a balancing act to know how much he wants my involvement and how much he wants independence. I'd like to see how he does with a different leader other then his Mom and me. My thought at present is to take a year off and re-enter the cub dens at a tiger (first grade) level, even thoiugh we have no boys in that group.
I wish there was an easy answer. I think about my own relationship with my father (or lack there of) alot. I am trying to be the best father and husband I can with little or no practicle example to follow. That is however a subject for a whole new post.
On a late day in September 2010 my life changed forever. Now its time to pick up the pieces and see where the road leads from here.
03 March 2004
02 March 2004
Update
Financial: Life is still a mess. We have lost our housing and are attempting to appeal that decision, but it doesn't look good. Our landlord has committed suicide, so just who owns the property and to whom we need to pay rent is anyone's guess. Student loans still have us in debt to the nth degree. I have the opportunity to go back to school, but that will create several problems with the finances.
Work: I got my third day off, that is a VERY good thing. Hopefully that will take some of the pressure off that working third shift has created.
Spiritual: Read my Blog on the passion for details. The third day off has made it somewhat easier for me to attend Church. It still was very difficult. Life would be so much easier if I could just work a "normal" shift, all the way around.
Home: Still a lot of chaos, but it seems to at least be slowing down if not getting better. DW and I don't talk as much as I would like, but at least we are not fighting as much as we did. Intimacy is an up and down thing but that is life with bipolar and ADHD.
Health: We are still up in the air. My therapist has left my HMO so I am without a therapist yet again. My Psychiatrist is also moving to limit the number of family members she will treat within one family to one. My DW has decided that it is best that our son stay with her and that we seek other doctors. All of this is very frustrating and a little scary to me.
Work: I got my third day off, that is a VERY good thing. Hopefully that will take some of the pressure off that working third shift has created.
Spiritual: Read my Blog on the passion for details. The third day off has made it somewhat easier for me to attend Church. It still was very difficult. Life would be so much easier if I could just work a "normal" shift, all the way around.
Home: Still a lot of chaos, but it seems to at least be slowing down if not getting better. DW and I don't talk as much as I would like, but at least we are not fighting as much as we did. Intimacy is an up and down thing but that is life with bipolar and ADHD.
Health: We are still up in the air. My therapist has left my HMO so I am without a therapist yet again. My Psychiatrist is also moving to limit the number of family members she will treat within one family to one. My DW has decided that it is best that our son stay with her and that we seek other doctors. All of this is very frustrating and a little scary to me.
The Passion
I suppose it was inevitable that I address this movie here eventually. Now seems as good a time as any. My wife and I went with a group from our Church to see it opening night. The range of human emotions ran through me, but in a way that was unexpected even to me. To understand my response one needs to know that I cannot view a sappy cartoon without crying. I fully expected this to be my primary reaction as I witnessed the brutality against my God. I did weep, but not as much as I had expected.
What hit me hardest was that this level of brutality was even necessary. My separation from God was so real, so absolutely complete that Christ had this terrible price that needed to be paid to redeem me. Others who do not understand the Holiness of God see this as an example of God's wrath. If God had chosen wrath, it would have been simpler to start over to wipe us all off the face of his earth. Instead he chose to redeem us. To buy us back as it were.
One of the things that touched me was the reaction of Judas. He was tormented because he had betrayed the Son of Man. Yet his sin was no more severe then that of Peter, who betrayed him three times. So what was the source of his torment. You cannot come away without realizing that Satan was behind the torment. But he was behind Peter's as well. Some of the last words Jesus spoke to Peter was that Satan had asked to sift him. (ok my paraphrase). Judas had but to reach out to Christ, rather then take matters into his own hands and I believe like Peter he would have been restored.
Depression leads many to contemplate, attempt and even succeed at taking there own lives. I have been there, and have seen suicide from many different angles. Just recently our landlord took his own life, only days before he had planned on seeing this movie himself. The odd thing is all I saw was a man who was making my life difficult, and was causing us to loose our housing. I did not see him as a man for whom Christ died, and in need of salvation.
While I know the desperation that pushes a person to suicide, one of the main things that I came away from this movie with was a sense of acceptance. Judas felt condemnation, but Jesus offers us forgiveness in exchange for the condemnation that Satan offers. I still find myself listening to the condemnation, but the images of the beating help to bring me back. They help me focus on the reality that Christ did that for me. I must be worth something for him to have paid such a terrible price to redeem me.
It has also had another unexpected result. It makes me think twice when temptations come. Temptations come to all of us. It has helped me to focus, so I know what the end result of those temptations. The result of all temptation to sin is found in the crucifixion. Christ's death paid the price for my sin, both those I have committed and those I will commit. I now have a clearer picture of what that "little sin" really costs.
What hit me hardest was that this level of brutality was even necessary. My separation from God was so real, so absolutely complete that Christ had this terrible price that needed to be paid to redeem me. Others who do not understand the Holiness of God see this as an example of God's wrath. If God had chosen wrath, it would have been simpler to start over to wipe us all off the face of his earth. Instead he chose to redeem us. To buy us back as it were.
One of the things that touched me was the reaction of Judas. He was tormented because he had betrayed the Son of Man. Yet his sin was no more severe then that of Peter, who betrayed him three times. So what was the source of his torment. You cannot come away without realizing that Satan was behind the torment. But he was behind Peter's as well. Some of the last words Jesus spoke to Peter was that Satan had asked to sift him. (ok my paraphrase). Judas had but to reach out to Christ, rather then take matters into his own hands and I believe like Peter he would have been restored.
Depression leads many to contemplate, attempt and even succeed at taking there own lives. I have been there, and have seen suicide from many different angles. Just recently our landlord took his own life, only days before he had planned on seeing this movie himself. The odd thing is all I saw was a man who was making my life difficult, and was causing us to loose our housing. I did not see him as a man for whom Christ died, and in need of salvation.
While I know the desperation that pushes a person to suicide, one of the main things that I came away from this movie with was a sense of acceptance. Judas felt condemnation, but Jesus offers us forgiveness in exchange for the condemnation that Satan offers. I still find myself listening to the condemnation, but the images of the beating help to bring me back. They help me focus on the reality that Christ did that for me. I must be worth something for him to have paid such a terrible price to redeem me.
It has also had another unexpected result. It makes me think twice when temptations come. Temptations come to all of us. It has helped me to focus, so I know what the end result of those temptations. The result of all temptation to sin is found in the crucifixion. Christ's death paid the price for my sin, both those I have committed and those I will commit. I now have a clearer picture of what that "little sin" really costs.
11 February 2004
Where to turn?
Here I am again trying to make sense out of the senseless. I am trying not to be ruled by emotions but it can be so hard some days. Seems most of my days are spent going to work, coming home, sleeping, getting up, and going back to work. Our debt load is unmanageable. The house is a shambles on most days, and when its not 4 kids usually make short work out of any cleanliness there was. Third shift is killing me but I cannot afford to go to first, the cut in pay would be devastating. I don't have the time nor energy to do family activities and when I do I don't enjoy them. Add to this I have to find a new psychiatrist and therapist.
I just wish this made sense. I have no connection to anything and that scares me. I try and go to church but I am so physically exhausted that I can't. Even when I go there is a disconnect. There is no commonality or true friendships. I sometimes feel that if I really let others know how much I am in need others will grow tired of hearing me complain. I have the same questions I did as a teen, and they all boil down to why me. It makes no sense. I know that God exists and that he sent his son to purchase my salvation. I know that I have accepted him as savior, and yet beyond that nothing seems to make sense. Is this all some cosmic judgment or discipline for my mistakes? Why does it seem that no matter what we do we just can't seem to catch a break? I feel like Job or Joseph having trouble heaped on trouble and yet I have no claim to righteousness. Quite the opposite in fact is true. I have wants and lusts, and desires that rage and for which I have found no freedom or spiritual release in the last 27 years. All I have been able to manage are momentary lulls and a lessoning of the urges but they have never completely gone away.
They are in themselves a form of self medication, and at the same time a part of the problem. My current medication regime does not appear to be working, but that seems only evident to me. When I talked last to my old psychiatrist she didn't want to make any drastic changes in meds. Probably waiting on the new psychiatrist to tackle that problem. I just want a sense of stability, where ever that may come from. I needed to know that I am on course for something.
Its not all doom and gloom though. I have moments, sometimes lasting a few hours in a day that I have hope. I go from knowing that God exists to believing that he is really in control. I have hope, a dream and a belief that it will work out. I have my DVR review coming up this month. That is a good thing. Its funny I went through them once before so I could leave manual labor behind. Now my mind is starting to fail me so where do I turn. Where can I find a low stress job that won't leave my physical body a wreck, but that offers enough financial reward that I can provide for my family without loosing my mind in the process.
The general question is how do I keep going, when most days I just want to crawl in a hole. I do manage to keep going bit by bit, mostly out of fear of what a complete breakdown would do to my children. This is so difficult for them to understand. I cry sometimes just thinking about the hell that they must be experiencing between my mood swings and those of my wife. Add to that my son's ADHD and his temper and our whole emotional make up of a family is short circuited.
I just wish this made sense. I have no connection to anything and that scares me. I try and go to church but I am so physically exhausted that I can't. Even when I go there is a disconnect. There is no commonality or true friendships. I sometimes feel that if I really let others know how much I am in need others will grow tired of hearing me complain. I have the same questions I did as a teen, and they all boil down to why me. It makes no sense. I know that God exists and that he sent his son to purchase my salvation. I know that I have accepted him as savior, and yet beyond that nothing seems to make sense. Is this all some cosmic judgment or discipline for my mistakes? Why does it seem that no matter what we do we just can't seem to catch a break? I feel like Job or Joseph having trouble heaped on trouble and yet I have no claim to righteousness. Quite the opposite in fact is true. I have wants and lusts, and desires that rage and for which I have found no freedom or spiritual release in the last 27 years. All I have been able to manage are momentary lulls and a lessoning of the urges but they have never completely gone away.
They are in themselves a form of self medication, and at the same time a part of the problem. My current medication regime does not appear to be working, but that seems only evident to me. When I talked last to my old psychiatrist she didn't want to make any drastic changes in meds. Probably waiting on the new psychiatrist to tackle that problem. I just want a sense of stability, where ever that may come from. I needed to know that I am on course for something.
Its not all doom and gloom though. I have moments, sometimes lasting a few hours in a day that I have hope. I go from knowing that God exists to believing that he is really in control. I have hope, a dream and a belief that it will work out. I have my DVR review coming up this month. That is a good thing. Its funny I went through them once before so I could leave manual labor behind. Now my mind is starting to fail me so where do I turn. Where can I find a low stress job that won't leave my physical body a wreck, but that offers enough financial reward that I can provide for my family without loosing my mind in the process.
The general question is how do I keep going, when most days I just want to crawl in a hole. I do manage to keep going bit by bit, mostly out of fear of what a complete breakdown would do to my children. This is so difficult for them to understand. I cry sometimes just thinking about the hell that they must be experiencing between my mood swings and those of my wife. Add to that my son's ADHD and his temper and our whole emotional make up of a family is short circuited.
23 January 2004
Changes to Community & Misc. Ramblings
Good morning. It has been a while since I last wrote, but that is not new to our regular readers. Our visitor numbers indicate that someone is out there reading this, but I am beginning to have second thoughts to the whole community portion of this blog. Probably need something a little simpler then the full blown CMS that I installed. The CM has pushed me over the disk limit on the web host as well so expect a redesign in the community function in the next couple of months or so.
I was hoping for a more interactive web site but the forums in the community just don't seem to be a place to go. Its kind of disheartening. I know that I should not take it personally, it is just the nature of the web, but it hurts to fail. I am trying to look at things from a positive angle and try and rework the site to something that will be more meaningful to those out there that are dealing with depression and bipolar.
On a different note I have a doctors appointment next week and I am looking at a reworking of my medications. Things were working ok but now things just seem to be bottoming out. I am just not sure how much more of this I can take. I have put in for an additional day off from work but what I really need is a non stress 9-5 Monday - Friday job. I still have the stress of our finances hanging over us, and it is just a matter of time before that blows up. Our landlord has put us in a position where we might loose our housing allowance, which would be devastating.
I was hoping for a more interactive web site but the forums in the community just don't seem to be a place to go. Its kind of disheartening. I know that I should not take it personally, it is just the nature of the web, but it hurts to fail. I am trying to look at things from a positive angle and try and rework the site to something that will be more meaningful to those out there that are dealing with depression and bipolar.
On a different note I have a doctors appointment next week and I am looking at a reworking of my medications. Things were working ok but now things just seem to be bottoming out. I am just not sure how much more of this I can take. I have put in for an additional day off from work but what I really need is a non stress 9-5 Monday - Friday job. I still have the stress of our finances hanging over us, and it is just a matter of time before that blows up. Our landlord has put us in a position where we might loose our housing allowance, which would be devastating.
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