The Return

I can not believe that almost a year has past since last I wrote on these pages. I turned 41 yesterday not that doing so had much to do with my silence. I have thought about this blog many times and many times I have not when I probably should have. This has been a year from hell quite literally. We lost our home and were forced to move in with my parents late in 2004. Shortly there after I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I say shortly it was one in the same day. That started us down a long winding road that would lead my wife to threaten suicide twice and my son attempt it once himself. Living conditions became unbearable for my wife so she ran out on me took the kids and filed for a restraining order to keep me from seeing her or the kids. We did eventually reconcile but it has been a rough road. We lived for a time in a homeless shelter until we at last quite literally found a house at the last hour.

That has been my year in a nutshell. It was a long painful year. It was a year filled with grief, but also one filled with joy. Life has begun anew in many ways for us. Ohh it has not and is not easy. I am still working a dead end job. It seems that the management is reluctant for whatever reason to move me from my current position to one of greater responsibility. Partially I do not blame them. There are times when I doubt my readiness to take on the responsibility. Will the pressure of such a position just push me back over the edge.

I try to stay focused on the positive things in my life. There is so much negativity around me that it is difficult not to get discouraged. My oldest daughter is 14 and just now discovering boys. She wants little if nothing to do with the family. I wonder some times if she has even turned her back on God. Much of it may just be typical teenage stuff, but there has to be some element of her being effected by the mental illness that plagues our family. My son who like his mother and me is bipolar. He is even with medication VERY difficult to handle. He can have such an explosive temper, and then at other times be the most loving boy you have ever known. He is 13 so telling what is normal adolescent behavior and what is a result of his mental illness is even more difficult then with my daughter. While she retreats into the company of her friends he has no such luxury. How I long for a peer that can come along side him and be his friend despite his differences. I had one or two of those true friends and they made all the difference in my growing up. My 6 year old is following in her brother's footsteps. She is such a chatter box and has to be doing something constantly. Yet the things we need her to be doing she will not do. Our 3 year old is a holy terror. If she isn't into something she is asleep dreaming about getting into something. It is all my wife can do to manage her own symptoms of bipolar but add my 3 year old into the mix and it is a disaster.

That is all for now. There is so much more I could say. I just hope this will not serve as the final entry until next year. So much is changing with the blog and the community, particularly our move to our own domain. I just hope that doing so will draw readers to this place and they will find some comfort, some challenge, or something in the words that I or others will write here.

I am still here

I sit here, and I know that I should be going to bed, but it dawns on me that I have not written in a while. I have been paper journaling from the book 40 days of purpose. A while back I tried to journal the book here, with little success. The paper journal seems to be working.

My wife and I did something two weeks ago that has been phenomenal. Those of you who read regularly (ok there is little regular about this blog) will know that my marriage has seen better days. Several months back I attempted suicide the situation in my marriage had decayed that badly. Well that was before 2 weeks ago. Oh we are still in the same financial moray that we ever were, but our marriage is back on track.

We attended Marriage Restored weekend. Wow, what a diference three days can make. If you have experienced heartache in your marriage man I strongly urge you to give this program a try. It has done wonders for my marriage, and even our kids are starting to see a change after only 2 weeks of using the tools they provide.

Well I'll close for now. Wanted for there to be at least one up beat message in here.

Better Late then Never

Here I am again. Life has just gone from bad to worse over the past six months. We lost our home and are now living with my parents. This has created a lot of stress and strain on the family. The pressure got so bad that I attempted suicide a few months back. Spent a week in the hospital and I am currently trying to rebuild my life without loosing any more of my sanity.

The tension is pretty great around here at times. Mostly we ignore it and don't talk about it. The problem is that is not helping the situation. Eventually there is a blow up and after letting off some steam we all go back to ignoring he problem.

Happy Birthday

I cannot believe that this experiment has lasted an entire year. I know that I could have written more but I think things have gone fairly well for the first year. It looks like through the generous donation of space by Rampant Lion Web Design we will have at least another year to come. I want to do more with the site, it is just hard to deal with everything that has been happening and keep a positive attitude. Working with the Brat Pack has helped. Even if I do not write as often as I want, the Pack has helped me keep the site active by posting some of my creative expressions on the web. I enjoy graphics and it is great fun to be pushed to complete something every week.

A View from My World is one year old. What do I want from the year to come? Well I want to see more consistent writing. Hopefully we can even generate some discussion in the bulletin board section of the Community pages. I want to work on some special projects like a History of my disease. How did I get where I am. For that matter where am I? (Is that even a proper sentence?) Anyway trying to get a handle on my disease and the day to day fluctuations in my emotional balance will be one of the key items up for discussion.

Well I am starting to babble, and that is a bad thing. Lack of sleep can do that to you. That is one of the problems with this experiment. When I have time to write I am also exhausted from working all night. Makes for some very disjointed entries. Bare with me, hopefully year 2 will be a better year all the way around then year 1 was.

Random Thoughts

Thought I would take a few spare minutes and write a bit. Waiting on my wife to get back from the store. It is very agrivating because she has this habbit of doing this when I have to go to work. So I am left wondering if she is going to make it back in time. That is life, one of those things that I cannot chage.

Life is life right now. I have not been 100% in taking my medication so my moods have been fluctuating a little. Ok, fluctuating alot lately. Its better then when I was off the meds but it still is not really good. The weight of our financial situation is a tremendous burden.

My daughter said the other day that she would rather be dead then poor like we are. She didn't know I was still awake and was talking to her mother. She couldn't know how very much her words hurt. I would give almost anything to be able to bring enough money in to meet our needs. As it is there is not enough to pay everything we need to. Seems we are always robbing Peter to pay Paul as the saying goes. Doesn't look like we will have enough money to even send the kids to the fair this year.

Well the wife is home so I will close for now. Hopefully I will write more often in the future.