Christmas is over and my 39th B-day and a new year is just around the corner. I cannot believe that it has been so long since I have written. Well my HD crashed that was part of the problem. I finally bit the bullet and got a new out of the box PC. With my Christmas discount at work and the special holiday price plus my profit sharing it wasn't a bad deal all in all. I still tend to beat myself up over it, feeling guilty spending the money when we are so close to bankruptcy.
My HD was not the only thing that crashed this month. My mood has gone right down the drain. I am living for fleeting moments of sanity when the sun shines through the clouds and tells me that despite the rain there is a better day coming. I was doing so well and then the bottom dropped out. Right now my head is swimming with self doubt, worthlessness, and sadness. I have never been allowed to be the week one. It is that persona of streangth that is weighing me down even more. Right now I just want to run, leave it all behind and get away from it all. Not because I do not love my wife and children, they mean more to me then anything. Something in this chaos has to change, something has to stop. I really do not know how much more "stress" I can handle at this point.