As a result of the Dreams last night I woke up about 2am. My wife and I had a long talk. My daughter woke up (4 yr old) and started screaming that her bottom hurt. She had mentioned what could have been a molestation incident, and we were going to get her an appointment with the a Therapist to try and get some answers. While my wife took her up th the ER, I did some "playing" on the internet. I looked up an old youth organization I was involved in during High School, and early adulthood. Ok I couldn't find much of a web presence, but I did find links to some Youth Ministries related to the one I was involved with. In fact I am listening to an internet Radio music program hosted by a man who served as Camp Speaker, and Evangelist on a number of occasions. I even wrote a press release for his speaking for the local paper when I was in High School. I think I still have it in one of my scrap books. Anyway its been kind of nice taking a stroll down memory lane. You have to understand High School was 20+ years ago. I was a young whipper snapper, bold in my faith, but carrying this terrible burden. I kept the burden hidden because I was afraid. Oh I tried to tell people. I always seemed to stop short. The problem was I didn't understand it back then.
How does a teenager explain a mental illness. I couldn't. All I knew was it felt better if I did certain things. If I looked at certain images. So I self medicated my depression, my suicidal thoughts. The problem was the medication I chose did not work, and it grew to be its own obsession in my life. Now I still find myself at a loss for how to explain how I feel inside. Why I feel at times like God has abandoned me. I cry out as my Lord cried out, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" For now the heavens remain silent.
Please note, my daughter was examined by the SANE Nurse and no evidence of trauma was observed. Together my wife and the SANE Nuse decided not to do an internal exam at this time. The pain was attributed to Pin Worms. Which were very evident during the external exam. Well Pin Worms can be a nuscense but considering the alternative I am grateful for them.
On a late day in September 2010 my life changed forever. Now its time to pick up the pieces and see where the road leads from here.
27 August 2003
What Dreams may Come!
My DW and I had a fight last night. Not sure now exactly what happened. You see DW and I both suffer from depression and are both in the midst of changes in our medication. The fight was over something stupid. We were having a fairly normal conversation when she got this look. I know the look it usually means I have done something or said something that has made her mad. Well it turns out it wasn't me, a huge sinkfull of dishes had attracted a number of VERY obnoxious house flys. I made the mistake of commenting on theundone dishes. She started into her ussual well if you would help out speach.
Do I help, well I think I do. Do I help enough, most definately not. There in lies the conflict. I do not know where enough is. It seems to me she is more concerned with her life outside the home then her life inside the home. My father worked, and my mother worked. You see most of my father's money went to pay the sallary of the local bartender. My father never lifted a finger around the house. Oh he did many major repairs but even most of those were left to my mother. My mother and us kids did the house work. Ok compared to my father, I do a hell of alot more around the house then I could be doing. Is it as much as I could, no probably not. My mother raised 8 kids, worked and kept the house reasonably clean. My wife does not work, has only 4 kids and cannot keep the house from becoming trashed.
Ok I will be the first to admit that is not entirely a fair comparison. Am I expecting too much from my wife? I am not expecting the moon, what I really want is to not have to worry if I will have a clean, repaired pair of pants to wear to work. That I can walk from most anyplace in the house too most any otherplace and stay on the carpet, or floor, and not be stepping on clothes or dishes or spilled food.
I know I need to do more. I know I tend to isolate. Mostly I know that she struggles too. I just want her to acknowledge that I am trying. She sees what I am doing as isolating, being on the computer and such. This journal, starting to code websites again, they are all baby steps back. Back to doing things, talking to people. I struggle each day with just dropping it all. Just walking away from reality once and for all. Each day I wake up, each day I go to work is a success. I know I am not where I should be, but I thank God I am not were I could be. I just wish I could somehow communicate to DW not to push. Any good, any hope, that I build each day is dashed and broken, when she reminds me just how far I have to come.
I am seriously considering asking my doctor about ECT treatments. It scares me half to death to even say that. My Grandfather had to have them. A former client of mine had them when he became catatonic with depression. I am tired of struggling, tired of feeling like my life is for naught. Tired of my only dream in life being that, I will still be alive next year at this time.
After the fight, I went to sleep. Ussually I feel better after some sleep. Particularly now that I have my CPAP machine. Buty this time I dreamed. Horrible crazy mixed up dreams. Probably a side effect of this new medication. Where my former medication was known for supressing dreams, this new one is known for helping dreams. In the end of the dreams I took a handful of pills. Two police officers tried to stop me, but were unable. The dream ended there. I woke up with a slight renewal of hope. I still have a little fight left in me. I only hope that I am able to claw enough ground to keep me out of the pit until they can get my meds straitened out. A reader pointed out 2 Corinthians 1 in the forums. I am at that stage were Paul was about verse 9 I think, despairing even of life itself. I pray I can rwach the point where I can see God's purpose behind this present suffering.
Do I help, well I think I do. Do I help enough, most definately not. There in lies the conflict. I do not know where enough is. It seems to me she is more concerned with her life outside the home then her life inside the home. My father worked, and my mother worked. You see most of my father's money went to pay the sallary of the local bartender. My father never lifted a finger around the house. Oh he did many major repairs but even most of those were left to my mother. My mother and us kids did the house work. Ok compared to my father, I do a hell of alot more around the house then I could be doing. Is it as much as I could, no probably not. My mother raised 8 kids, worked and kept the house reasonably clean. My wife does not work, has only 4 kids and cannot keep the house from becoming trashed.
Ok I will be the first to admit that is not entirely a fair comparison. Am I expecting too much from my wife? I am not expecting the moon, what I really want is to not have to worry if I will have a clean, repaired pair of pants to wear to work. That I can walk from most anyplace in the house too most any otherplace and stay on the carpet, or floor, and not be stepping on clothes or dishes or spilled food.
I know I need to do more. I know I tend to isolate. Mostly I know that she struggles too. I just want her to acknowledge that I am trying. She sees what I am doing as isolating, being on the computer and such. This journal, starting to code websites again, they are all baby steps back. Back to doing things, talking to people. I struggle each day with just dropping it all. Just walking away from reality once and for all. Each day I wake up, each day I go to work is a success. I know I am not where I should be, but I thank God I am not were I could be. I just wish I could somehow communicate to DW not to push. Any good, any hope, that I build each day is dashed and broken, when she reminds me just how far I have to come.
I am seriously considering asking my doctor about ECT treatments. It scares me half to death to even say that. My Grandfather had to have them. A former client of mine had them when he became catatonic with depression. I am tired of struggling, tired of feeling like my life is for naught. Tired of my only dream in life being that, I will still be alive next year at this time.
After the fight, I went to sleep. Ussually I feel better after some sleep. Particularly now that I have my CPAP machine. Buty this time I dreamed. Horrible crazy mixed up dreams. Probably a side effect of this new medication. Where my former medication was known for supressing dreams, this new one is known for helping dreams. In the end of the dreams I took a handful of pills. Two police officers tried to stop me, but were unable. The dream ended there. I woke up with a slight renewal of hope. I still have a little fight left in me. I only hope that I am able to claw enough ground to keep me out of the pit until they can get my meds straitened out. A reader pointed out 2 Corinthians 1 in the forums. I am at that stage were Paul was about verse 9 I think, despairing even of life itself. I pray I can rwach the point where I can see God's purpose behind this present suffering.
25 August 2003
Whats in a Name?
Whats in a name? As you will notice I go by the monicer Lion's Cub, or just The Cub for short. Why do I do this? Well first let me say I date back to an era of computing before internet, before cable Modems, when 9600 bps was considered fast. Back then it seemed everyone hand a handle or screen name online. Some did it to hide, and still do. Some are hackers and crackers, and virus makers. I am a hacker of the old school. Back when the term didn't necessarily have an evil or criminal conotation to it. Back then it ment someone, anyone who really wanted to know how a computer worked.
I must also confess to a slight case of paranoia. Maybe its deserved and maybe its not. There are people in my life who may come across this website who simply would not understand. The do not understand Depression or Mental Illness. During a recent hospitalization several of us discussed the idea of changing the name of Depression. People think, "Your just sad, get over it and get on with life." If I had a nickle for everytime I heard that going back to my teen years I would not have money problems. There are also those who do not believe that Mental Illness can affect Christians. They like the Pastor I just heard about in Milwaukee, Wisconsin make struggling with this disease even more difficult.
Ok I mentioned this pastor, and for those of you who do not know the story here it is in a nut shell. A child suffering from Autism was taken by his parents to this church. I do not know the name of the church. They had a prayer meeting to cast out the demons who were causing his autism. Long story short the boy is dead, the pastor is in jail. Scenes like this not only give all of Christianity a bad name, they make my blood boil. The mind can be effected and affected by illnesses just like the body. I no more have a Demon because I have Depression, then I do if I have a cold. I will not go into what I think should be done to this pastor, because to do so would definately not show a proper Christian attitude. Don't even get me started on the so called "Faith Movement."
Anyway I had one pastor recomend, and send me off to a "Christian Rehabilitation Program." The program was designed to meet the needs of hard core street drug addicts. I come from hickville Wisconsin, and know nothing of city street life. Besides I have never had problems with Drugs or alchohol, I chose to self medicate my Depression with sexual stimulation. [More on that probably later.] The program told me I was Depressed because I was sinning, and if I quit sinning I woudn't be depressed anymore. The programs doctor took me off my medications. Life has NEVER been the same since. I saw and heard things in that program I wish I never had. So I choose to hide, and stay a little anonymous. It is not total saftey, but it is a little safety.
The name, is of simple deriviation. One of my favorite authors is C.S. Lewis. He wrote a series of books called the Chronicles of Narnia. Aslan the main character in the books is a Lion. He is the type and symbol of Christ through the books. Jesus Christ is described as the Lion of Judah. Since Jesus Christ is God, and I am God's child as well then I too must be a lion, or as the name says a Lion's Cub.
Anyway that is what is in a name, and why I choose the name I do. I also use it to play online games, so if you see TheCub or LionsCub around that just might be me. Say hi, and if it is just ask me what Aslan is doing in my life lately and I will know you have read this. And if you know me in the real world, please there are some secrets that just need to be kept, at least for a while.
I must also confess to a slight case of paranoia. Maybe its deserved and maybe its not. There are people in my life who may come across this website who simply would not understand. The do not understand Depression or Mental Illness. During a recent hospitalization several of us discussed the idea of changing the name of Depression. People think, "Your just sad, get over it and get on with life." If I had a nickle for everytime I heard that going back to my teen years I would not have money problems. There are also those who do not believe that Mental Illness can affect Christians. They like the Pastor I just heard about in Milwaukee, Wisconsin make struggling with this disease even more difficult.
Ok I mentioned this pastor, and for those of you who do not know the story here it is in a nut shell. A child suffering from Autism was taken by his parents to this church. I do not know the name of the church. They had a prayer meeting to cast out the demons who were causing his autism. Long story short the boy is dead, the pastor is in jail. Scenes like this not only give all of Christianity a bad name, they make my blood boil. The mind can be effected and affected by illnesses just like the body. I no more have a Demon because I have Depression, then I do if I have a cold. I will not go into what I think should be done to this pastor, because to do so would definately not show a proper Christian attitude. Don't even get me started on the so called "Faith Movement."
Anyway I had one pastor recomend, and send me off to a "Christian Rehabilitation Program." The program was designed to meet the needs of hard core street drug addicts. I come from hickville Wisconsin, and know nothing of city street life. Besides I have never had problems with Drugs or alchohol, I chose to self medicate my Depression with sexual stimulation. [More on that probably later.] The program told me I was Depressed because I was sinning, and if I quit sinning I woudn't be depressed anymore. The programs doctor took me off my medications. Life has NEVER been the same since. I saw and heard things in that program I wish I never had. So I choose to hide, and stay a little anonymous. It is not total saftey, but it is a little safety.
The name, is of simple deriviation. One of my favorite authors is C.S. Lewis. He wrote a series of books called the Chronicles of Narnia. Aslan the main character in the books is a Lion. He is the type and symbol of Christ through the books. Jesus Christ is described as the Lion of Judah. Since Jesus Christ is God, and I am God's child as well then I too must be a lion, or as the name says a Lion's Cub.
Anyway that is what is in a name, and why I choose the name I do. I also use it to play online games, so if you see TheCub or LionsCub around that just might be me. Say hi, and if it is just ask me what Aslan is doing in my life lately and I will know you have read this. And if you know me in the real world, please there are some secrets that just need to be kept, at least for a while.
21 August 2003
Web Site Updates
Good morning. I know I have not been writing much lately. The doctor is going through a change of medication, and I am being weened off of one and increasing another. So far the changes have not been good. I basically slept through my two days off. Which I know is hard on my kids because there is so precious little time to spend with them. Any way I have done some improvments to the right side menu bar including a forum. Ok its not perfect but it is free, and right now I am limited to free. I have also added a link to a tell a friend feature. If you find my ramblings interesting, or even if you just find them kind of nutty please pass the link on to your friends, or maybe your enemies.
Any way I am VERY tired right now and am heading off to bed. Not expecting to get much sleep because my daughter is going to be watching the two younger girls while my wife is at the doctors. Oh well I suppose its the life of a third shifter.
Any way I am VERY tired right now and am heading off to bed. Not expecting to get much sleep because my daughter is going to be watching the two younger girls while my wife is at the doctors. Oh well I suppose its the life of a third shifter.
17 August 2003
Personality Disorder Test - Personality Test
I took this Personality Disorder Test just out of curiosity. I found the results surprising.
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | High |
| Schizoid: | Very High |
| Schizotypal: | Moderate |
| Antisocial: | Low |
| Borderline: | Moderate |
| Histrionic: | Moderate |
| Narcissistic: | Moderate |
| Avoidant: | High |
| Dependent: | High |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | High |
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- | |
Ok I know its probably not the most accurate diagnostic but it is illuminating in a few ways. more on that later though, right now its time for me to get some sleep.
16 August 2003
Family
Family is important, at least that is what I was taught growing up. I come from a family of 5 brothers and sisters. I now have four of my own. Each cope with my disease in a little different way. I should point out as I think it is relevant that my wife has been diagnosed with depression also. This makes life terribly difficult for our children at times.
AG is our first born. She is 12 now. She struggles quietly without saying much. She is alot like I was as a child. Taking everything in, stewing over it, and lashing out periodically to relieve the pain. She is so quiet about life in general most of the time that I have to keep reminding myself, she is not imune to the effects of this disease. Just yesterday she threw one of her tantrums. When she was sent to her room for displaying her "attitude" she mumbled something about killing herself. Attention seeking behavior, possibly. Well it worked, she got attention all right. Actually we had a rather nice talk.
JB is the second oldest. He is a head strong, energetic, and very curious 11 year old boy. He also has ADHD and possibly depression too. He too has threatened suicide, and that was in first grade. He has no trouble expressing his emotions, and he does so often, and in extremes. He can be the most trying boy, or the sweetest. It all depends. The problem is telling what it depends on. He can go from being that sweet loving child to a holy terror with little notice or apearent provocation.
JG is our 4 year old girl. She addores her big brother. She is following in his foot steps. I do not know if you can learn to be ADHD or if it is a case of birds of a feather flock together. I think in many ways she has it the hardest of all. She tries so hard to fit in, to find her niche in the family. She also has a long memory particularly for promises.
RG is one. She is the baby in the family, literally at this point. She is VERY curious, and persistant. She has surprised us on more then one occasion with her problem solving skills. Typically it involves her attempts to get into something we are trying to keep her out of. If it can make a mess, and she can at all possibly get into it she will.
DW is my wife. As I have mentioned she is also a depression sufferer, and has been diagnosed with ADHD herself. We have been married for 15 years. It is the first marriage for either of us. Marriage is a hell of alot of work under the most ideal of situations. Add to it Depression, ADHD, financial issues (more on that later), and other issues it takes a miracle to survive. There in is the thing, I want more from life then survival. Right now it feels like I barely have that. If I don't have it how can I make sure my kids even have that much.
AG is our first born. She is 12 now. She struggles quietly without saying much. She is alot like I was as a child. Taking everything in, stewing over it, and lashing out periodically to relieve the pain. She is so quiet about life in general most of the time that I have to keep reminding myself, she is not imune to the effects of this disease. Just yesterday she threw one of her tantrums. When she was sent to her room for displaying her "attitude" she mumbled something about killing herself. Attention seeking behavior, possibly. Well it worked, she got attention all right. Actually we had a rather nice talk.
JB is the second oldest. He is a head strong, energetic, and very curious 11 year old boy. He also has ADHD and possibly depression too. He too has threatened suicide, and that was in first grade. He has no trouble expressing his emotions, and he does so often, and in extremes. He can be the most trying boy, or the sweetest. It all depends. The problem is telling what it depends on. He can go from being that sweet loving child to a holy terror with little notice or apearent provocation.
JG is our 4 year old girl. She addores her big brother. She is following in his foot steps. I do not know if you can learn to be ADHD or if it is a case of birds of a feather flock together. I think in many ways she has it the hardest of all. She tries so hard to fit in, to find her niche in the family. She also has a long memory particularly for promises.
RG is one. She is the baby in the family, literally at this point. She is VERY curious, and persistant. She has surprised us on more then one occasion with her problem solving skills. Typically it involves her attempts to get into something we are trying to keep her out of. If it can make a mess, and she can at all possibly get into it she will.
DW is my wife. As I have mentioned she is also a depression sufferer, and has been diagnosed with ADHD herself. We have been married for 15 years. It is the first marriage for either of us. Marriage is a hell of alot of work under the most ideal of situations. Add to it Depression, ADHD, financial issues (more on that later), and other issues it takes a miracle to survive. There in is the thing, I want more from life then survival. Right now it feels like I barely have that. If I don't have it how can I make sure my kids even have that much.
15 August 2003
First Time
Good morning, well at least its morning for me. This is a new experiment for me. Oh I have journaled before, and even allowed select few to read my thoughts, but I have never done so in such a public forum. My intent here is to get away from the paper and pencil journal and go with something online. Two reasons, one I am frequently at the computer, and two I am infrequently found with a pen in my hand.
What is this Blog about, its about me. Its about Depression. Its about my dealing with my depression. My hope is that over time there will be growth, and hope, where right now there is darkness. Right now I am tired, having worked 9 hours last night. This is typically my late evening time, just before I go to bed. My wife is gone with 2 of our four kids. My oldest is at a friends house, and the baby is asleep in her crib.
My wife and I had a fight before she left. She assumed I would be staying up and planned on leaving the baby home with me. I had a rough and hard night and was planning on going to bed, and assumed she was taking the baby with her. I know my working nights is hard on the family, but right now there is little other choice. I suppose the fight could have been worse, as it seems to have resolved before she left. I think what upset me the most was the assumption that I would just watch her. Anyway my wife got upset, and she started to run water to give the baby a bath, so she could get her dressed to go. Acting the Martyr all the way. I got upset, and told her to just leave, that I would stay up, ok I too acted the martyr. She got upset even more, and started yelling at the other two kids. I got upset, and told her if she was mad at me that was fine, but dont take it out on them.
In the end we both backed off. Not quite sure exactly how that happened. She left with the two kids, and I siezed the oportunity to write my first entry.
What is this Blog about, its about me. Its about Depression. Its about my dealing with my depression. My hope is that over time there will be growth, and hope, where right now there is darkness. Right now I am tired, having worked 9 hours last night. This is typically my late evening time, just before I go to bed. My wife is gone with 2 of our four kids. My oldest is at a friends house, and the baby is asleep in her crib.
My wife and I had a fight before she left. She assumed I would be staying up and planned on leaving the baby home with me. I had a rough and hard night and was planning on going to bed, and assumed she was taking the baby with her. I know my working nights is hard on the family, but right now there is little other choice. I suppose the fight could have been worse, as it seems to have resolved before she left. I think what upset me the most was the assumption that I would just watch her. Anyway my wife got upset, and she started to run water to give the baby a bath, so she could get her dressed to go. Acting the Martyr all the way. I got upset, and told her to just leave, that I would stay up, ok I too acted the martyr. She got upset even more, and started yelling at the other two kids. I got upset, and told her if she was mad at me that was fine, but dont take it out on them.
In the end we both backed off. Not quite sure exactly how that happened. She left with the two kids, and I siezed the oportunity to write my first entry.
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