Christmas is over and my 39th B-day and a new year is just around the corner. I cannot believe that it has been so long since I have written. Well my HD crashed that was part of the problem. I finally bit the bullet and got a new out of the box PC. With my Christmas discount at work and the special holiday price plus my profit sharing it wasn't a bad deal all in all. I still tend to beat myself up over it, feeling guilty spending the money when we are so close to bankruptcy.
My HD was not the only thing that crashed this month. My mood has gone right down the drain. I am living for fleeting moments of sanity when the sun shines through the clouds and tells me that despite the rain there is a better day coming. I was doing so well and then the bottom dropped out. Right now my head is swimming with self doubt, worthlessness, and sadness. I have never been allowed to be the week one. It is that persona of streangth that is weighing me down even more. Right now I just want to run, leave it all behind and get away from it all. Not because I do not love my wife and children, they mean more to me then anything. Something in this chaos has to change, something has to stop. I really do not know how much more "stress" I can handle at this point.
27 December 2003
07 November 2003
Despair and Faith
It is difficult to keep the faith as it were. There are days when all I feel is this crushing weight. I have been reading a book by Michael Card about the life of Peter. In it he talks about looking beyond the present reality to the faith reality. It seems even more difficult now that a little money is starting to trickle in. Where to spend it. So many voices clamoring for what they are owed and yet I have no way of even paying a small portion on any one of them. Then there is the present needs, things we have been going without in order to get by. It is hard not to despair.
I am being effected by my shift more then I think I truly realize. Shift work and lack of sleep, are leading me right into despair. The monetary situation doesn't help either. I know my doctor keeps talking about getting enough sleep and she is right. When I was not working my mind seemed so sharp, the new medications really helped clear the fog and allowed me to get some real work done. I read 3/4 of a programming book and actually comprehended it. Now I sleep through my two days off even with the medications. My work on AVFMW and my other web commitments seems almost at a stand still. I did work on some of the programming that I need for the one sight by the end of the month and it was like slogging through mud. What had been clear as day only a few weeks ago seems so cloudy now. I knew the stuff but even with examples it seemed it took forever to get any code out. And now I go back to work and I will lose the momentum that I have gained.
Then there is the crying. Seems everything these days evoke tears. My grandfather always said it was genetic, our bladder was too close to our eyes. I don't think he knew the truth of his statement. Not the latter part mind you but the former. Like now even as I write this, I can picture him sitting in his work shed, cleaning some odd or end spare part to something no one would ever want again. He was a junk dealer and our house and his shared a common driveway. The thought of it brings back the tears of grief, as if he had died yesterday. I miss him so very much. In the later years we took to calling him Papa Ray. To distinguish him from Grandpa to his great grandchildren. I will never forget the look of peace on his face as he lay in the casket. He was buried in a simple pocket T-Shirt which my brother had slipped a pliers and a screwdriver. He was a large man, until shortly before his death when the cancer caused him to loose a lot of weight. I still remember his hands, they still betrayed the size of a man he had been. He will always be that large a man to me. His words also carry a foreboding prophetic element. My son has ADHD, with depression. Maybe not now but how many of my children did I curse with this disease. Well I really didn't want to go down this road when I started writing this afternoon, but here I am.
Before I go, I want to make a simple plea. If my meanderings have been of some help to you can you spread the word about AVFMW. Tell your family, tell your friends. Tell your therapist, your psychiatrist even. If you have not checked out our community please do. Registration is free, and it will allow you to talk to other members in our forums, submit news articles and a whole lot more. The more people in the community the better it will serve all of us.
I am being effected by my shift more then I think I truly realize. Shift work and lack of sleep, are leading me right into despair. The monetary situation doesn't help either. I know my doctor keeps talking about getting enough sleep and she is right. When I was not working my mind seemed so sharp, the new medications really helped clear the fog and allowed me to get some real work done. I read 3/4 of a programming book and actually comprehended it. Now I sleep through my two days off even with the medications. My work on AVFMW and my other web commitments seems almost at a stand still. I did work on some of the programming that I need for the one sight by the end of the month and it was like slogging through mud. What had been clear as day only a few weeks ago seems so cloudy now. I knew the stuff but even with examples it seemed it took forever to get any code out. And now I go back to work and I will lose the momentum that I have gained.
Then there is the crying. Seems everything these days evoke tears. My grandfather always said it was genetic, our bladder was too close to our eyes. I don't think he knew the truth of his statement. Not the latter part mind you but the former. Like now even as I write this, I can picture him sitting in his work shed, cleaning some odd or end spare part to something no one would ever want again. He was a junk dealer and our house and his shared a common driveway. The thought of it brings back the tears of grief, as if he had died yesterday. I miss him so very much. In the later years we took to calling him Papa Ray. To distinguish him from Grandpa to his great grandchildren. I will never forget the look of peace on his face as he lay in the casket. He was buried in a simple pocket T-Shirt which my brother had slipped a pliers and a screwdriver. He was a large man, until shortly before his death when the cancer caused him to loose a lot of weight. I still remember his hands, they still betrayed the size of a man he had been. He will always be that large a man to me. His words also carry a foreboding prophetic element. My son has ADHD, with depression. Maybe not now but how many of my children did I curse with this disease. Well I really didn't want to go down this road when I started writing this afternoon, but here I am.
Before I go, I want to make a simple plea. If my meanderings have been of some help to you can you spread the word about AVFMW. Tell your family, tell your friends. Tell your therapist, your psychiatrist even. If you have not checked out our community please do. Registration is free, and it will allow you to talk to other members in our forums, submit news articles and a whole lot more. The more people in the community the better it will serve all of us.
03 November 2003
Holiday Stress Part I
Controlled chaos, that is what life seems like these days. My doctor asked if I saw light at the end of the tunnel. I guess if I am really honest I do. The holidays that are fast approaching worry me. They are always an overwhelming time. I told my wife that I wanted a VERY understated holiday display. She seemed less then impressed. I am going to open a discussion forum in the community to discuss holiday displays. My idea is to have a simple Creche and Nativity, leaving our other decorations in the basement where they are stored. My thoughts are to make a statement against the hustle and bustle that is the Holiday Season. It would also save us from major stress which we don't need in our lives right now. It would also be a statement to our children of the true meaning behind the holiday. I know my views are radical and extreme.
As a backdrop your talking about an avid Santa Claus fan. I collect them. I own well over 200, probably up to 300 now. It started as a whim and now has grown into an obsession (grin). Maybe in the fun and excitement of the collecting I have lost my focus a little too. Trying to sort out the real from the perceived.
As a backdrop your talking about an avid Santa Claus fan. I collect them. I own well over 200, probably up to 300 now. It started as a whim and now has grown into an obsession (grin). Maybe in the fun and excitement of the collecting I have lost my focus a little too. Trying to sort out the real from the perceived.
28 October 2003
Community
Without much fan fair I have unrolled a new community website. If you scroll down the right hand menu you will see the community link. There you can post your own stories, talk with others in our forums, read up on depression or medication in our encyclopedias or check out our humor and inspirational stories sections. Community is one of the things we all need to help confirm what we already know, we are not alone.
Knowing that, and REALLY understanding that can be two different things. My medication has me on a more or less even keel. Work is still physically demanding and I am frustrated by the hours but I can deal with that. What I miss most is not having that one or two real friendships. I have a few Internet friendships but not any real brick and mortar friendships. I know that Internet relationships cannot truly reach the same level as the brick and mortar ones but they are (in my mind) better then no relationships at all. The Internet is also a way to bring back relationships from the past. I have invited some key friends that physical distance prevents me from having an ongoing brick and mortar relationship with. The Internet can allow them to enter in and to share my current life. Community I think is a good word for it.
What can you do to help the community. First register. Its simple, its free and its safe. You do not have to give your full name or email address to anyone but me, others will only see your screen name if that is what you wish. Let others know we are here. One easy way is if you have those in your life who you have a difficult time communicating your struggle with your disease, just have them read my log. I am not a perfect spokesman for depression. I struggle everyday with the very things I write about. I live on a day by day basis, and most of my days are filled with work and struggling to stay awake and keep up my medication. Those three things consume most of my day.
I am slowly adding in the creation of a solid internet presence. With the creation of Rampant Lion Web Design. With my reworking our churches website, and creating a website for a youth organization in Northern Wisconsin. This has allowed me the opportunity to build this community. My prayer is that God will build the house. Why do I want the community to be a success? Is it so that I can gloat with my own pride? No. I want it to succeed because I need it, and I know there are others out there who need it. Others need a place to go, to talk with those who know what the struggle. I need a place to talk. A part of me needs to know that someone is reading my words, someone is hearing what I have to say. I don't need to everyone to agree, I do need to be heard.
Mostly prayer with me that God will bless AVFMW and its community.
Knowing that, and REALLY understanding that can be two different things. My medication has me on a more or less even keel. Work is still physically demanding and I am frustrated by the hours but I can deal with that. What I miss most is not having that one or two real friendships. I have a few Internet friendships but not any real brick and mortar friendships. I know that Internet relationships cannot truly reach the same level as the brick and mortar ones but they are (in my mind) better then no relationships at all. The Internet is also a way to bring back relationships from the past. I have invited some key friends that physical distance prevents me from having an ongoing brick and mortar relationship with. The Internet can allow them to enter in and to share my current life. Community I think is a good word for it.
What can you do to help the community. First register. Its simple, its free and its safe. You do not have to give your full name or email address to anyone but me, others will only see your screen name if that is what you wish. Let others know we are here. One easy way is if you have those in your life who you have a difficult time communicating your struggle with your disease, just have them read my log. I am not a perfect spokesman for depression. I struggle everyday with the very things I write about. I live on a day by day basis, and most of my days are filled with work and struggling to stay awake and keep up my medication. Those three things consume most of my day.
I am slowly adding in the creation of a solid internet presence. With the creation of Rampant Lion Web Design. With my reworking our churches website, and creating a website for a youth organization in Northern Wisconsin. This has allowed me the opportunity to build this community. My prayer is that God will build the house. Why do I want the community to be a success? Is it so that I can gloat with my own pride? No. I want it to succeed because I need it, and I know there are others out there who need it. Others need a place to go, to talk with those who know what the struggle. I need a place to talk. A part of me needs to know that someone is reading my words, someone is hearing what I have to say. I don't need to everyone to agree, I do need to be heard.
Mostly prayer with me that God will bless AVFMW and its community.
18 October 2003
Isolation
Financially we are still in the pits. I ask those who read this to make this a focus of some urgent prayer. Most immediately we need about $3,500.00 to get us to the point we were before my most recent hospitalization. I have contacted NAMI and am looking for a referral for a lawyer who can handle bankruptcy and a SSI/Disability claim. Immediate needs include bringing our checking account back into the black catching up on utilities, paying for the car and redeeming all of our bounced checks.
It is hard to not feel down when you are staring at that debt plus past debts that push that number up 20 times the immediate need. The medication is helping, and I need to make my second counseling appointment. Life is a stress factory and this night shift is beginning to get to me again. I am fighting to stay awake at home and maintain my schedule. Everything that is done seems to be geared toward a 1st or 2nd shift schedule. It would be so VERY easy to use the schedule as a reason to isolate. Its a catch-22 for me. If I go to church or events I feel like hell because it throws off my sleep schedule. If maintain my sleep schedule then it is easer to not do it the next time. Then the true isolation starts. It is worsened by the fact that I have medications that must be taken at HS (Hours of Sleep) and in the AM.
While we are on the subject of isolation, I have a question. Why? Why do we do the one thing that seems to make us worse? Why do we isolate from those we love, and who love us? I am not sure that I know the answer to that one. I know that left to my own that is exactly what I would do. Personally I see it a lot like AIDS. AIDS has this insidious way of attacking the immune system. (My understanding-- It prevents the production of white blood cells to prevent infection. Actually taking over and converting the systems that normally produce the white blood cells into systems to reproduce itself. Thus it robs your body of the thing it needs most to fight off the HIV virus.) Isolation is like that with depression, and I suppose other mental illnesses. It robs us of one of the most significant tools we have to fight the symptoms of our disease.
What does the person with depression need. They need companionship. They need friendship. Let me rephrase that I need friendship, and companionship. I need someone with whom I can just get together on a Saturday (ok were back to sleep schedules here) or when ever and just do something. We need to be able to laugh together, without seeing laughter in and of itself as a cure for my disease. We need to be able to cry together without seeing crying as a relapse. I remember my best friend and I in High School just sitting in his room. He would lay on his bed and I would read the latest batch of poetry he would write. We would discuss it every now and then, and just shoot the breeze. It was more then that though it was the cement that kept us both sane (or fairly so) through some very termultuous times in our lives.
It is said that men need three men in there lives. They need a Paul, a mentor, someone they can trust and look up to. They need a Timothy, a ward, to whom they can impart the wisdom they have gained. They also need a Barnabus, an encourager, someone who can come along side. I think the same can be said for all of us, male or female. It is in these relationships that we are all formed and completed. Wisdom flows in, wisdom flows out, and we have someone there to stir it up enough to make sure some of it sticks.
It is hard to not feel down when you are staring at that debt plus past debts that push that number up 20 times the immediate need. The medication is helping, and I need to make my second counseling appointment. Life is a stress factory and this night shift is beginning to get to me again. I am fighting to stay awake at home and maintain my schedule. Everything that is done seems to be geared toward a 1st or 2nd shift schedule. It would be so VERY easy to use the schedule as a reason to isolate. Its a catch-22 for me. If I go to church or events I feel like hell because it throws off my sleep schedule. If maintain my sleep schedule then it is easer to not do it the next time. Then the true isolation starts. It is worsened by the fact that I have medications that must be taken at HS (Hours of Sleep) and in the AM.
While we are on the subject of isolation, I have a question. Why? Why do we do the one thing that seems to make us worse? Why do we isolate from those we love, and who love us? I am not sure that I know the answer to that one. I know that left to my own that is exactly what I would do. Personally I see it a lot like AIDS. AIDS has this insidious way of attacking the immune system. (My understanding-- It prevents the production of white blood cells to prevent infection. Actually taking over and converting the systems that normally produce the white blood cells into systems to reproduce itself. Thus it robs your body of the thing it needs most to fight off the HIV virus.) Isolation is like that with depression, and I suppose other mental illnesses. It robs us of one of the most significant tools we have to fight the symptoms of our disease.
What does the person with depression need. They need companionship. They need friendship. Let me rephrase that I need friendship, and companionship. I need someone with whom I can just get together on a Saturday (ok were back to sleep schedules here) or when ever and just do something. We need to be able to laugh together, without seeing laughter in and of itself as a cure for my disease. We need to be able to cry together without seeing crying as a relapse. I remember my best friend and I in High School just sitting in his room. He would lay on his bed and I would read the latest batch of poetry he would write. We would discuss it every now and then, and just shoot the breeze. It was more then that though it was the cement that kept us both sane (or fairly so) through some very termultuous times in our lives.
It is said that men need three men in there lives. They need a Paul, a mentor, someone they can trust and look up to. They need a Timothy, a ward, to whom they can impart the wisdom they have gained. They also need a Barnabus, an encourager, someone who can come along side. I think the same can be said for all of us, male or female. It is in these relationships that we are all formed and completed. Wisdom flows in, wisdom flows out, and we have someone there to stir it up enough to make sure some of it sticks.
08 October 2003
Events
I thought of just errasing the prevvious entry but decided against it. In a paper and pen journal I would not be given that luxury. Today went remarkably well. I had a morning meeting with the man who will be my new therepist. Seems like a nice enough sort of man. Got lost on the way, was like 20 minutes late and spent most of my session filling out paperwork. then on the ride home (actually my wife was driving to see our psychiatrist) we ran out of gas. She missed her appointment and we waited for my dad to come and fill the tank we had $1.00 to our name. We came home and got a disconect notice on our ellectric and water bill. We owed $306.00 and had to come up with half that to avoid disconection tomorrow morning at 9am. Mom again to the rescue. I hate doing that. We have had to rely on my parents and my in-laws so much it is staggering.
My parents, My in-laws, our church in general, various people at church, our pastor all have done so much for us financially. I feel at such a great loss as to how to thank them for there efforts and yet the crisis still goes on.
My parents, My in-laws, our church in general, various people at church, our pastor all have done so much for us financially. I feel at such a great loss as to how to thank them for there efforts and yet the crisis still goes on.
Which Direction
I hate crossroads. Invariably you have to choose one direction from the possible choices arrayed before you. Seldom are you given the opportunity to go back. Even rarer are the occasions when going back would be an option worth considering. There are reasons why cities spring up around crossroads. People hate the choice, hate it so much so that they would rather stagnate at the cross road the pursue either avenue. The problem is that we are not met to stagnate. We are meant by our creator to be growing. The problem isn't so much the types of choices available (I think that does play a factor) but in the fact that we have choices to make.
The choice as I see it ahead of me is do I embrace my disease. Do I try to live in the "real" world in a state of denial of my mental illness. I have in many ways begun to do that, by sharing with those whom I am close to that I have this illness. This Blog has helped somewhat in that regard. It is more to that. ................
[note: I know the thoughts that I want to say, and maybe at a later date I can say them. The problem is they are trapped within the confusion that is my brain right now. Simply put that train went a whole different direction then I intended it to do and derailed shortly after leaving the station]
The choice as I see it ahead of me is do I embrace my disease. Do I try to live in the "real" world in a state of denial of my mental illness. I have in many ways begun to do that, by sharing with those whom I am close to that I have this illness. This Blog has helped somewhat in that regard. It is more to that. ................
[note: I know the thoughts that I want to say, and maybe at a later date I can say them. The problem is they are trapped within the confusion that is my brain right now. Simply put that train went a whole different direction then I intended it to do and derailed shortly after leaving the station]
06 October 2003
Hope
Hope, it is the one thing that Depression robs you of that I miss the most. Today was an interesting day, it was a day of hope. It started out awful. DW trying to wake me up to go to church. Didn't happen. I woke up when they cam home the vivrin she tried to give me still sitting on the pillow next to me. We had decided to have the pastor and his wife over (due to having a successful couple of days cleaning up the CHAOS.) Besides it really has been way to long since we have had anyone over. My DW made this wonderful roast. (Crock Pots are wonderful tools). Anyway finally made it up a little around noon. Did ok most of the day. Wife had this list of things that still needed to get done. The list was daunting and I struggled with the urge to chuck it and get on the computer. Having the list made it easier. I knew what was expected in advance. We got everything done although we were getting dressed as they drove up
We had a wonderful dinner, and even got to say Happy Birthday to them with a special cake that DW had made. We discussed things of the web and a few church related things. I found myself very animated. Maybe I am just hitting my stride into a manic phase. Oh God I hope not. It has been a while since I talked about anything that animated. The lights of hope are beginning to come on. It is a scary feeling as well.
Scary, yeah I know it sounds weird to even say that. I fear the crash. The sudden bone jarring crash that tells me the rug is being pulled out from under me yet again. At work there is a quite common occurrence. We use a ladder to lift product up to the risers, we have several different sizes. Inevitably your left foot is on the last rung and you reach with your right foot for the floor only to realize it just passed the last wrung you though you were standing on. It is in that moment, that split second that lasts an eternity that your mind realizes the jar it is about to feel. You step down the ladder ever so gingerly for a while and then get comfortable.
I can choose to stay on the ladder. Grab hold with both hands moving neither foot up or down. That would be a pretty boring life. Not one worth living much. All you can do is try to be careful, stay alert, look for warning signs, and when you do fall, cause we all will. Its part of that sin nature. Have a plan in place to make sure the fall isn't to far and someone is there to pick you up.
Another way of looking at it is in the song on the radio as I type this "...pain hurts, but only for a minute, life is short so live it..." Life's too short, and I will need all you folks to remind me of that fact when I start to crash .
We had a wonderful dinner, and even got to say Happy Birthday to them with a special cake that DW had made. We discussed things of the web and a few church related things. I found myself very animated. Maybe I am just hitting my stride into a manic phase. Oh God I hope not. It has been a while since I talked about anything that animated. The lights of hope are beginning to come on. It is a scary feeling as well.
Scary, yeah I know it sounds weird to even say that. I fear the crash. The sudden bone jarring crash that tells me the rug is being pulled out from under me yet again. At work there is a quite common occurrence. We use a ladder to lift product up to the risers, we have several different sizes. Inevitably your left foot is on the last rung and you reach with your right foot for the floor only to realize it just passed the last wrung you though you were standing on. It is in that moment, that split second that lasts an eternity that your mind realizes the jar it is about to feel. You step down the ladder ever so gingerly for a while and then get comfortable.
I can choose to stay on the ladder. Grab hold with both hands moving neither foot up or down. That would be a pretty boring life. Not one worth living much. All you can do is try to be careful, stay alert, look for warning signs, and when you do fall, cause we all will. Its part of that sin nature. Have a plan in place to make sure the fall isn't to far and someone is there to pick you up.
Another way of looking at it is in the song on the radio as I type this "...pain hurts, but only for a minute, life is short so live it..." Life's too short, and I will need all you folks to remind me of that fact when I start to crash .
03 October 2003
A Week and a Half Out
Been out of the Hospital a week and a half. Still MA will not pick up my medication. Damn HMO is all I have to say. I really wonder how much longer I can answer the Homicidal thoughts question in the negative and still mean it. At times it can be just so VERY agrivating. DW is trying to be so understanding, trying to keep the pressure off. I know it is frustrating for her. Without the meds I am left to sleep the day away, with and that leaves her with one more burden to carry to fight for my meds.
29 September 2003
Praise Report
I posted a prayer request a few weeks ago (Sept 11) to be exact. The first item on the list was:
Well God has done some remarkable things. On the day that my wife was to come for one of our family sessions (don't remember if it was the one where they finally sent me home or not) she was pulling into my mothers drive way when suddenly the brakes blew. She had to swerve and use a burn/brush pile to get the van stopped. It was only a matter of time. They have loaned us the use of there vehicle indefinitely, at least until the insurance comes due. They have already bought another car and when the insurance comes due on this car they will sell it to us if we still want it. It is not as big as the van but has more seat belts. It is a mini station wagon and in much better shape overall then the van ever was.
- Reliable transportation: You see the state of our vehicles. The van has front brakes that squeal, back brakes that leak, a muffler that is falling off, a side door that wont open, a rack-n-pinion that leaks, battery problems, a transmission that is slipping and leaks. Each day I am fortunate that it still starts. Either send us someone that can make the repairs, and give us the ability to pay for them, or provide us with a new vehicle.
Well God has done some remarkable things. On the day that my wife was to come for one of our family sessions (don't remember if it was the one where they finally sent me home or not) she was pulling into my mothers drive way when suddenly the brakes blew. She had to swerve and use a burn/brush pile to get the van stopped. It was only a matter of time. They have loaned us the use of there vehicle indefinitely, at least until the insurance comes due. They have already bought another car and when the insurance comes due on this car they will sell it to us if we still want it. It is not as big as the van but has more seat belts. It is a mini station wagon and in much better shape overall then the van ever was.
What a Ride
Times they are interesting. This has been on wild ride of a week and a half. Not sure where to begin so much has happened. First off I am home from the hospital, as is probably evident by the fact that I have returned to writing in this Blog. Things have been very interesting that is for sure. Well the doctor at the hospital put me on three different medications acting as mood stabilizers along with the anti depressant I was on. Things really were looking up. I had taken a text book along to do some study on some programming for the web, and I made it through 6 chapters in a week and understood it. I was just starting to get things turned around a corner and then it hit. That point beyond which insurance companies start balking about the length of your stay. Well I have always said it is amazing how much better you get when the Insurance doesn't want to pay.
Anyway we had been talking discharge anyway but this just rushed things. AG our oldest daughter seems to really resent the fact that I got to come home at all. At least that is how she is verbalizing these days. I know that she is just lashing out at what she doesn't understand at what she doesn't know but it hurts so much when she does. But discharge was inevitable and we tried to prepare as best as we could. My doctor basically said that he was not willing to go toe to toe with the insurance company doctors in order to get us any extra time. After discharge the insurance company also dropped coverage on one of my meds. The combo as I said above worked well for me, minus the one med It gets me no where. Ok if I take my meds at about 10:00 pm by about 7 pm the next day I am awake and alert enough to function. That time frame is sped up with the third med (the one they will not cover). Then to top it off I get a letter from the insurance company telling me how important follow up appointments are. No problem there, until the letter goes on to chastise me for not making any follow up appointments to date. The letter stated they expected at least two. That would not be a great big thing either if it were not for the fact that to date (the date on the letter) was the same day as my discharge date.
Monday is better then Friday, at least after an appointment with a Psychiatrist who has half a brain. No it is not the brain that is malfunctioning it is the bedside manner. Here is another kicker for you. When the prescribing psychiatrist was asked to intervene with the insurance company his response was if they won't cover it then he doesn't need it. Damn why and the hell did he prescribe it for me then.
Anyway as I said Monday is better then Friday. Now I just need to get my return to work situation straightened out. My current doc only wanted to do a week at a time for the leave. This puts me smack dab into inventory, and med changes and adjusting to new meds and switching from a daytime schedule to a 3rd shift schedule again. Too much to tackle at once.
To be brutally honest this hospital stay was so much better then the one I had in March of this year. If I could just take the doctors from that hospital and exchange them for the doctors at the hospital, with the food from the first hospital I went to you would have the perfect psych ward. As a general rule the staff was wonderful, they met my needs, explained things to me and did a wonderful job.
Well I am home, and for now there will not be a need for a partial day program. Now I just have to make that appointment for a therapist. I just hope the Blogs 2nd monthly birthday is a little less adventurous.
On a personal note feel free to log in and share the fact that your reading my meanderings in the guest book. You don't even have to use your real name if you don't want to.
Anyway we had been talking discharge anyway but this just rushed things. AG our oldest daughter seems to really resent the fact that I got to come home at all. At least that is how she is verbalizing these days. I know that she is just lashing out at what she doesn't understand at what she doesn't know but it hurts so much when she does. But discharge was inevitable and we tried to prepare as best as we could. My doctor basically said that he was not willing to go toe to toe with the insurance company doctors in order to get us any extra time. After discharge the insurance company also dropped coverage on one of my meds. The combo as I said above worked well for me, minus the one med It gets me no where. Ok if I take my meds at about 10:00 pm by about 7 pm the next day I am awake and alert enough to function. That time frame is sped up with the third med (the one they will not cover). Then to top it off I get a letter from the insurance company telling me how important follow up appointments are. No problem there, until the letter goes on to chastise me for not making any follow up appointments to date. The letter stated they expected at least two. That would not be a great big thing either if it were not for the fact that to date (the date on the letter) was the same day as my discharge date.
Monday is better then Friday, at least after an appointment with a Psychiatrist who has half a brain. No it is not the brain that is malfunctioning it is the bedside manner. Here is another kicker for you. When the prescribing psychiatrist was asked to intervene with the insurance company his response was if they won't cover it then he doesn't need it. Damn why and the hell did he prescribe it for me then.
Anyway as I said Monday is better then Friday. Now I just need to get my return to work situation straightened out. My current doc only wanted to do a week at a time for the leave. This puts me smack dab into inventory, and med changes and adjusting to new meds and switching from a daytime schedule to a 3rd shift schedule again. Too much to tackle at once.
To be brutally honest this hospital stay was so much better then the one I had in March of this year. If I could just take the doctors from that hospital and exchange them for the doctors at the hospital, with the food from the first hospital I went to you would have the perfect psych ward. As a general rule the staff was wonderful, they met my needs, explained things to me and did a wonderful job.
Well I am home, and for now there will not be a need for a partial day program. Now I just have to make that appointment for a therapist. I just hope the Blogs 2nd monthly birthday is a little less adventurous.
On a personal note feel free to log in and share the fact that your reading my meanderings in the guest book. You don't even have to use your real name if you don't want to.
17 September 2003
Links
Added a Guestbook to my links at the right. We also have a forum if you need, or want to ask a question, or make a comment about a particular post. I hope all those who read will at least take the time to sign the guestbook, real names are not needed.
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16 September 2003
Sureal events mark BLOG's 1 month anniversary
I fully expected this entry to be a much happier one. You see the BLOG turned 1 month old. However as I write this I am looking at the real possibility of a new hospitalization. The events that have lead to this point seem almost sureal.
It started Sunday morning after I had just come off a 9 hour shift. It had been a fairly light night as far as freight goes so I was in a fairly decent mood. I had not been back to church except on one occasion since my hospitalization and loss of job in March of 2003. I was determined to make it to church. It was a typical Sunday morning, lots of yelling and trying to get 4 unmotivated kids out the door in time for Sunday School. I almost gave up at that point. Sunday mornings getting ready for Church can be some of the most unchristian times in our household. My wife gets into the pressure of we have to get ready and all get out of the door by a certain time. Anyway thats the subject for anotehr entry.
Church was, well ok. Nothing spectacular. Sunday School left a little to be desitred in my book. More preaching then teaching, but then the available supply of teachers is pretty low. I should note this is my class, or it used to be before I was hospitalized. I taught the adult class. Anyway after the ussual church service, and getting home about noon, I was wide awake. I finally went to sellp around 2 pm. Up for work again at 9 pm. Work was basically uneventful. On the way home I noticed a fellow employee and gave him a ride home. Finally got home about 9 am. Then it was off to a town about 30 miles away to see my respiratory therapist. DW drove and I slept in the back seat. Spent a fairly good morning with DW and two youngest. Even got a chance to do some window shopping around the mall, before hunger got the better of us all. Came home and it was off to bed for a short nap.
Woke up about 6pm and went with DW to a local homeless shelter were my pastor works. They had some furniture that needed to be gotten rid of, and he thought we might be able to use some. We chose a couch and loaded it up in the back of his truck. He said he was going to deliver it later that night. We came home to the smell of something burnt, and lighter fluid in the house. Seems DS decided to play with fire while we were out. Fortunately no damage done. This is a very frustrating thing, not sure if it is a boy thing, and ADHD thing or combination of both.
Anyway DS was put to work taking out the cussions of the old couch and getting it ready to be taken out to the curb. After everything was prepared my wife asked me to help him take it out. Thats when all the trouble really started. DS try as he might was neither good at pushing or pulling. He is only 11 after all. I told my DW that we would need her help if we stood any chance at getting the couch out. My DW was not much help either. I was getting pretty frustrated trying to move this big couch basically by myself. My DW was accusing me of not giving her propper directions to follow, and I was accusing her on not using common sense. Sensing the tension starting to rise I took off to cool down for a while. I drove around the block a couple of times and then came home. Tensions were still high when I got back home. DW wanted the couch outside, and I had no one to help me do it.
So I did the next logical thing. I found my hammer and proceeded into breaking the chouch down so that I would be able to handle it by myself. Angry and frustrated to begin with I chose to take that anger out on an inanimate object and kill two birds with one stone so to speak. I must have been a sight, I can only imagine. DW says I was in a blind rage. I simply remember tearing apart the couch which was rather sturdy for as falling apart as it was. The more I banged the more it started to come apart. My DW threatened to call my doctor, which she ended up doing. The nurse she spoke to took it on herself to call 911.
By the time the police arrived I was getting near exhaustion. It is alot of work tearign apart a couch. The officers gave me two choices. Either get a disorderly conduct ticket or go find someplace to stay for the night. Well I grabbed my CPAP machine and headed over to my mothers. I should not one of the officers was kind enough to help me carry the remains of the couch out to the curb before I left.
My wife was on the phone with my doctor, and the hospital most of the day today. I slept most of the day. It all seems like so much of a dream. My choices are day program or evening program, or inpatient. All I know is I am tired. Tired of feeling this way. Tired of dealing with this disease. I am tired of trying and getting so far and falling so far back that it feels like I am starting over. I even revoked my no suicide agreement with my doctor today. Not that I feel like hurting myself, it was just I didn't weant it to get in the way. Funny how a little piece of paper really does seem to get in the way.
So if this BLOG should grow silent for a time, please don't abandon it. I haven't, and I won't. I'll be back just as soon as I can get access to a PC and the internet again.
It started Sunday morning after I had just come off a 9 hour shift. It had been a fairly light night as far as freight goes so I was in a fairly decent mood. I had not been back to church except on one occasion since my hospitalization and loss of job in March of 2003. I was determined to make it to church. It was a typical Sunday morning, lots of yelling and trying to get 4 unmotivated kids out the door in time for Sunday School. I almost gave up at that point. Sunday mornings getting ready for Church can be some of the most unchristian times in our household. My wife gets into the pressure of we have to get ready and all get out of the door by a certain time. Anyway thats the subject for anotehr entry.
Church was, well ok. Nothing spectacular. Sunday School left a little to be desitred in my book. More preaching then teaching, but then the available supply of teachers is pretty low. I should note this is my class, or it used to be before I was hospitalized. I taught the adult class. Anyway after the ussual church service, and getting home about noon, I was wide awake. I finally went to sellp around 2 pm. Up for work again at 9 pm. Work was basically uneventful. On the way home I noticed a fellow employee and gave him a ride home. Finally got home about 9 am. Then it was off to a town about 30 miles away to see my respiratory therapist. DW drove and I slept in the back seat. Spent a fairly good morning with DW and two youngest. Even got a chance to do some window shopping around the mall, before hunger got the better of us all. Came home and it was off to bed for a short nap.
Woke up about 6pm and went with DW to a local homeless shelter were my pastor works. They had some furniture that needed to be gotten rid of, and he thought we might be able to use some. We chose a couch and loaded it up in the back of his truck. He said he was going to deliver it later that night. We came home to the smell of something burnt, and lighter fluid in the house. Seems DS decided to play with fire while we were out. Fortunately no damage done. This is a very frustrating thing, not sure if it is a boy thing, and ADHD thing or combination of both.
Anyway DS was put to work taking out the cussions of the old couch and getting it ready to be taken out to the curb. After everything was prepared my wife asked me to help him take it out. Thats when all the trouble really started. DS try as he might was neither good at pushing or pulling. He is only 11 after all. I told my DW that we would need her help if we stood any chance at getting the couch out. My DW was not much help either. I was getting pretty frustrated trying to move this big couch basically by myself. My DW was accusing me of not giving her propper directions to follow, and I was accusing her on not using common sense. Sensing the tension starting to rise I took off to cool down for a while. I drove around the block a couple of times and then came home. Tensions were still high when I got back home. DW wanted the couch outside, and I had no one to help me do it.
So I did the next logical thing. I found my hammer and proceeded into breaking the chouch down so that I would be able to handle it by myself. Angry and frustrated to begin with I chose to take that anger out on an inanimate object and kill two birds with one stone so to speak. I must have been a sight, I can only imagine. DW says I was in a blind rage. I simply remember tearing apart the couch which was rather sturdy for as falling apart as it was
By the time the police arrived I was getting near exhaustion. It is alot of work tearign apart a couch. The officers gave me two choices. Either get a disorderly conduct ticket or go find someplace to stay for the night. Well I grabbed my CPAP machine and headed over to my mothers. I should not one of the officers was kind enough to help me carry the remains of the couch out to the curb before I left.
My wife was on the phone with my doctor, and the hospital most of the day today. I slept most of the day. It all seems like so much of a dream. My choices are day program or evening program, or inpatient. All I know is I am tired. Tired of feeling this way. Tired of dealing with this disease. I am tired of trying and getting so far and falling so far back that it feels like I am starting over. I even revoked my no suicide agreement with my doctor today. Not that I feel like hurting myself, it was just I didn't weant it to get in the way. Funny how a little piece of paper really does seem to get in the way.
So if this BLOG should grow silent for a time, please don't abandon it. I haven't, and I won't. I'll be back just as soon as I can get access to a PC and the internet again.
13 September 2003
Awards
 | Ok I lied, or at the very least I was mistaken. This had come a few weeks earlier and I had not upacked the zip file. Technically this is the first award recieved by my Blog. Hmm, may have to develop an awards page if this keeps up. |
11 September 2003
Miracle Needed
Last night at work I was thinking. It was payday, and after the check was depositied we had a wopping $50.00 in the bank. It is very frustrating working as hard as I do and being so far behind. Right now I need a major financial miracle in my life. I am reminded of the verse that says God is able to do exceedingly abundently above all we can ask or imagine. My question is When will he?
Dear Lord,
I know that you exist and that you see the plight of your people. Forgive my unbelief. It is a product of my illness. Here is my need, I post it here so that my brothers and sisters out there can also pray.
Thats my prayer. Most of it anyway. I am getting very tired having been up working on our churches website most of the morning while my DW was at a doctors appointment. I need sleep and it is getting very late.
Dear Lord,
I know that you exist and that you see the plight of your people. Forgive my unbelief. It is a product of my illness. Here is my need, I post it here so that my brothers and sisters out there can also pray.
- Reliable transportation: You see the state of our vehicles. The van has front brakes that squeel, back brakes that leak, a muffler that is falling off, a side door that wont open, a rack-n-pinion that leaks, battery problems, a transmission that is slipping and leaks. Each day I am fortunate that it still starts. Either send us someone that can make the repairs, and give us the ability to pay for them, or provide us with a new vehicle.
- Utilities: Help us get the things repaired around the house that need to be repaired. Faucets that drip, toilets that leak. The add immensly to our water and sewer bills. Help us find ways to keep energy costs down. Help us budget out enough money top pay the utilities so we don't continually face cut offs. This month our electric bill was $150.00 and our heat bill did not get paid due to overdrafts on our checking account. And now with the overdrafts this week, there still is no money.
- Rent: We owe about $2,000.00 in back rent. You know the exact figure. I do not know what Marci has been able to pay but Tom's patience cannot last forever. We can not afford an eviction, nor the expenses of moving.
- Student Loans: It seems almost ironic that I went to college to help make a better living. I have not been able to make enough to even make a dent in our student loans. Now due to my depression, I cannot handle the stress of a job that will pay better. I can barely handle the stress of the job that I have now.
- Medical: I am facing another change in insurance. I cannot afford the coverage provided by work. Not sure that we can stay on this coverage. If I loose medical insurance I will loose acceess to treatment of my depression. I do not even want to think of the consequences of that.
- Family: Help us all in the family understand each other and help each other more. DW is so frustrated with life right now. I know she did not mean to call AG and JG the names she used when she woke up from her nap yesterday. I cannot imagine how much that must have hurt them. I know I am not perfect, but I pray my children make it through there mother and my illness with a little understanding, and not too emotionally scarred.
- Computer: This is the least of my concerns. With starting to develope my web presence, and trying to set up the Churches as well as HCY's web site I am running into serious hardware and software limitations.
- Food/Shelter: Lord you know that the state is providing the vast majority of these needs. DW tells me that she has notified them of my new job. As yet they do not seem to have noticed, and have not adjusted our benefits. I do have to admit that that worries me a little, I would have thought there would have been some adjustment by now. Marci has her review with the case worker tommorow. I pray that all will go well, and that these expenses will not be thrust on us too suddenly.
- Unemployment: I still owe unemployment repayments from the last time I was off work. Still a few thousand dollars.
- Medical Bills: We need to find a way to start repaying these. I loose track of how many we have. Marci's surgery from when our insurance benefits ran out. All the kids bills from before we had MA.
- Work: Work is hard physically. The late nights are taking there toll. Last night I missed a step on the ladder and landed hard on my leg. It jarred my ankle, my knee, and my hip. I pray my body will continue to take the physical punishment of the job. I pray that I will find some way to speed up my work so that my boss will get off my back. I know that my speed is probably part of my disability, but I am afraid if I say anything it will be three jobs I have lost directly or indirectly due to the depression. Then there is the stress of home that weighs on me at work. DW is in such a fragile state right now. I worry about her home with the kids. What if JS gets out of hand, or she yells at the girls, or worse kicks them out of the house like she did yesterday. Sex: I know that DW and my problems emotionally are manifest in our physical life. I am trying to keep myself through all this. Not push her, not demand physical affection from her. I am struggling with reverting bacck to old habbits. I pray that through all of this you will keep me pure, and somehow allow DW and I to rebond again. To put our past behind us. To enjoy real physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy with each other.
Thats my prayer. Most of it anyway. I am getting very tired having been up working on our churches website most of the morning while my DW was at a doctors appointment. I need sleep and it is getting very late.
10 September 2003
Awards
 | My meager little blog has earned its first award. I wish to thank all the special friends I have made at Child of God Webring. If you follow the link to the ring at the bottom of this page you will find more sites devoted to Christians recovering from or dealing with mental illnesses. Most of which are much more up beat and encouraging then my journal. Soon I hope to add a links page so visitors can visit some of the sites that I have found encouraging and informative in dealing with my depression. My hope is to build this site beyond just the journal portion, but all good things come with time. |
Out of the Boat
What is life? Is life really what is happening right now? It seems more like a nightmare at times. Quite often just a dream. We had a family meeting last night. To try and bring some order to chaos. Chaos is just what we have right now. Our finances are a mess. Emotionally and physically my wife and I just don't seem to connect. My daughter told me the other day that if we got a divorce she was never coming to see me. A moment seems like it can last so long.
Peter stepped from the boat. He had done this more times then he could count. The only difference was each of those times had been in sight of dry land. Now he was stepping out into the middle of the sea. Why had he opened his mouth? He knew his impatients would be the death of him yet. He looked out across the waves to where the master stood. He found his feet secure in the water as they were on land. Letting go of the side of the boat he took a step out toward the master. For an instant he thought he saw a small smile cross the master's face. He took another step and the master's smile grew. Just then a gust of wind caused a wave to splash against his leg. What on earth was he doing. He was miles from solid land. He looked back at the boat. if he jumped just right he could make it back to safety. He looked down and saw the water lapping at his knees. He felt the rush in an instant. The water colapsed around him and he fell. He tried to find the master but he was obscured by the waves. Peter struggled to swim back to the boat but it too was gone. Disapearing behind the waves he was suddenly alone. His mouth, his damnable mouth. He had to open his mouth. "If its you master, tell me to come to you on the waves." Why had he said those words. His thoughts turned toward his wife. He had survived years at sea, in storms far worse then this one. He saw his brother, Andrew, standing at the door to his house, his wife colapsed from grief in his arms. What had posessed him to follow this man from Nazareth. What had possessed him to have so much faith, that he would step out of a boat in the middle of the night. Water stung his lungs, he began to cough. He went under, pulled down by the force of the waves. He fought the urge to breath until he could reach the surface again. His hand broke the surface and then his head. "Help me Jesus." He coughed as his head again disapeared below the waves. Something caught his hand, something soft yet firm. It pulled him above the water and he opened his eyes. He was stareing into the eyes of the Master. In that instant he saw disapointment, and love. He averted his eyes, as Jesus wrapped his arm around him. Together they walked back to the boat. Climbing inside John handed them both a towel to help dry off. At that moment Peter wished he could just disapear. He had failed so miserably. Lost were those mements of triumph has he had sprung over the side of the boat. Lost were those first faith filled steps into the storm. He had failed.
I know there is more to the story. Peter found the faith he needed in the end. This was not the first failure, nor was it the last for Peter. It is in that moment when the waves of life crash around us, when we reach our hand as far as we can toward heaven and cry out "God I need you!" That is where I am right now. It seems like Peter that I have been here before. Failed to keep my eyes on the author of life, and looked instead to the circumstances of life. How desperately I need Jesus to reach down and grasp my upstretched hand. How desperately I need to stop relying on my own strength to rescue myself. I have lost my focus. I cannot find Jesus nor the boat through the waves. The waves of debt crash against me. Threatening to drown me. The waves of doubt push me down. I do not know how to get my kids to mind. How to I bring organization to the chaos around me if I cannot bring organization to the chaos within me.
Peter stepped from the boat. He had done this more times then he could count. The only difference was each of those times had been in sight of dry land. Now he was stepping out into the middle of the sea. Why had he opened his mouth? He knew his impatients would be the death of him yet. He looked out across the waves to where the master stood. He found his feet secure in the water as they were on land. Letting go of the side of the boat he took a step out toward the master. For an instant he thought he saw a small smile cross the master's face. He took another step and the master's smile grew. Just then a gust of wind caused a wave to splash against his leg. What on earth was he doing. He was miles from solid land. He looked back at the boat. if he jumped just right he could make it back to safety. He looked down and saw the water lapping at his knees. He felt the rush in an instant. The water colapsed around him and he fell. He tried to find the master but he was obscured by the waves. Peter struggled to swim back to the boat but it too was gone. Disapearing behind the waves he was suddenly alone. His mouth, his damnable mouth. He had to open his mouth. "If its you master, tell me to come to you on the waves." Why had he said those words. His thoughts turned toward his wife. He had survived years at sea, in storms far worse then this one. He saw his brother, Andrew, standing at the door to his house, his wife colapsed from grief in his arms. What had posessed him to follow this man from Nazareth. What had possessed him to have so much faith, that he would step out of a boat in the middle of the night. Water stung his lungs, he began to cough. He went under, pulled down by the force of the waves. He fought the urge to breath until he could reach the surface again. His hand broke the surface and then his head. "Help me Jesus." He coughed as his head again disapeared below the waves. Something caught his hand, something soft yet firm. It pulled him above the water and he opened his eyes. He was stareing into the eyes of the Master. In that instant he saw disapointment, and love. He averted his eyes, as Jesus wrapped his arm around him. Together they walked back to the boat. Climbing inside John handed them both a towel to help dry off. At that moment Peter wished he could just disapear. He had failed so miserably. Lost were those mements of triumph has he had sprung over the side of the boat. Lost were those first faith filled steps into the storm. He had failed.
I know there is more to the story. Peter found the faith he needed in the end. This was not the first failure, nor was it the last for Peter. It is in that moment when the waves of life crash around us, when we reach our hand as far as we can toward heaven and cry out "God I need you!" That is where I am right now. It seems like Peter that I have been here before. Failed to keep my eyes on the author of life, and looked instead to the circumstances of life. How desperately I need Jesus to reach down and grasp my upstretched hand. How desperately I need to stop relying on my own strength to rescue myself. I have lost my focus. I cannot find Jesus nor the boat through the waves. The waves of debt crash against me. Threatening to drown me. The waves of doubt push me down. I do not know how to get my kids to mind. How to I bring organization to the chaos around me if I cannot bring organization to the chaos within me.
05 September 2003
Baby Steps
It was a long, and hard night last night. I did manage to stay out of my bosses way for most of the night. Anyway I will make this short, or at least try to. If I start to ramble a little please forgive me. I thought I would explore steps. No not the twelve steps, although those can be useful. Just simple steps. DW and I seem to disagree on just what steps need to be done, and how fast. My counselor ( I should say former counselor), had recomended that I pick one thing. If I can do that one thing then the day is a success. No matter what else gets done, or doesn't get done.
You may ask why my counselor is my former counselor. Well did I mention I HATE INSURANCE COMPANIES. After my last hospitalization I was set up with a counselor. Nice guy, easy to talk to. I have not done talk therapy in a while. Anyway things were going well. I was worried that since I had just been fired I was loosing my insurance and would be transfering to Medical Assistance. My counselor assured me that it didn't matter, once I was his client, I would stay his client, we would work out the insurance thing when it happened. Well it happened, and guess what. The insurance refuses to certify the clinic. Now that I am working again and approaching 90 days I have NO idea what will happen to my insurance. It will probably all disapear. You see I cannot afford the insurance offered at work, and there is a real possibility that I will loose the insurance. Then what happens? No medication, no doctor, no counselor? Well anyway I am finding it very difficult to go back to a new counselor only to have the services torn out from under me yet again.
Any way those are tommorrows steps. I need to remember to deal with todays steps. What steps am I taking?
Are there other things I could be doing? Most definately yes. My wife probably has a list of them. These are the steps I am taking. Right now that is enough. I have also begun to program again. Creating this web page, and the churches web page have really helped me focus. To DW these are just distractions. She sees them as attempts on my part to isolate. I am just not ready for groups right now. Its hard enogh for me to deal with work for 9 hours. There are other things that I would like to do.
Even help costs money. I went to a site of a Christian Ministry to look for help. Every link that offered real help, seemed to cost something. there conferneces seemed like they would REALLY help but they cost money. Everything costs money. Well I am starting to bable and get off track.
You may ask why my counselor is my former counselor. Well did I mention I HATE INSURANCE COMPANIES. After my last hospitalization I was set up with a counselor. Nice guy, easy to talk to. I have not done talk therapy in a while. Anyway things were going well. I was worried that since I had just been fired I was loosing my insurance and would be transfering to Medical Assistance. My counselor assured me that it didn't matter, once I was his client, I would stay his client, we would work out the insurance thing when it happened. Well it happened, and guess what. The insurance refuses to certify the clinic. Now that I am working again and approaching 90 days I have NO idea what will happen to my insurance. It will probably all disapear. You see I cannot afford the insurance offered at work, and there is a real possibility that I will loose the insurance. Then what happens? No medication, no doctor, no counselor? Well anyway I am finding it very difficult to go back to a new counselor only to have the services torn out from under me yet again.
Any way those are tommorrows steps. I need to remember to deal with todays steps. What steps am I taking?
- Medication:
- Working with my Psychiatrist we are looking at trying different medications. I have been on Zoloft, Prozac, and Paxil. Zoloft worked but it is not working now. We are switching to Welbutrin SR. So far it has appeared to help.
- Journaling:
- This is an experiment and a tool. Your reading the journal. While not daily it is good to be able to put down on paper (electronic though it may be) my feelings, thoughts and activities.
- Bible reading:
- I started this a few weeks ago. You see I have tried several different ways to have daily reading time and they work for a while and then I fail. Internet to the rescue yet again. Enter E-dification.com. They have a service where they will break down the Old and/or New Testament into a daily bite. So you can get through it in a year. They mail the portion to you daily. SO far its been working, as I do tend to check my email daily. I am doing just the new testament. They also use a new translation which is really easy to read and understand.
- Work:
- I have been going every day, no calling in sick. Ok I did come home sick Thursday night after working half a shift.
- Exercise:
- This is work too. Ok I unload freight all night. Lifting 5 gallon buckets of paint and assorted other things is a real work out.
- Sleep:
- I am REALLY trying to get 8 hours sleep every night. I use my CPAP machine almost every time. I still have some work on this one because I will drift off on the couch and not be on my machine.
Are there other things I could be doing? Most definately yes. My wife probably has a list of them. These are the steps I am taking. Right now that is enough. I have also begun to program again. Creating this web page, and the churches web page have really helped me focus. To DW these are just distractions. She sees them as attempts on my part to isolate. I am just not ready for groups right now. Its hard enogh for me to deal with work for 9 hours. There are other things that I would like to do.
- Geocaching:
- This is a new sport, where you use a GPS devise to go out and find things that others have left in the woods. Its something you can do alone or in a group. Unfortunately it costs money. You have to buy the GPS. They start at $100.00 and go up from there. Thats not much money but when normal expenses puts your bank account $200+ dollars in the hole and you have a week left before payday. I try not to spend money, but occasionally I will. My wife controls the books and I always wonder if we will have lights and heat from day to day.
Even help costs money. I went to a site of a Christian Ministry to look for help. Every link that offered real help, seemed to cost something. there conferneces seemed like they would REALLY help but they cost money. Everything costs money. Well I am starting to bable and get off track.
02 September 2003
Isolation
Why do I tend to isolate myself? That is the question I have been asking myself lately. Maybe it is an attempt to shield myself from further pain. I have not been to church except for one occasion since my last hospitalization. At first I was just too embarased. I have not made a very public expression of my illness. I had lost my job for the second time in 2 years. When I came home from the hospital I just didn't want to face anyone. Maybe part of it was that I was a little disapointed in how few people actually came to visit or write or call. Part of it is I think my wife kept it a secret. I know when my son was hospitalized she didn't want alot of people to know. In her own way she is afraid of how people will react. Mostly I think I just didn't want to have to answer any questions about why I was in the hospital.
The more my absence was made an issue (by my wife and the pastor) the more I didn't want to come back. Then came my job. Working third shift on both Sunday and Monday nights makes it very difficult to stay awake. I have been working on my stamina and last week I actually stayed up until my wife got home. I was fair at work the next night. I just wish I wouldn't keep getting the comments. Night before last a coworker who occassionally attends my church mentioned that the Pastor had asked him to tell me that I should come back. It upset me a little. My wife thought it was funny.
They act as if I do not want to go back. I do. I am just afraid. I was a leader in the church. I was up for election as a member of the church board. I taught adult sunday school. Now I am left wondering if God has abandoned me. Like C. S. Lewis it is not that I am beginning to not believe in God that scares me, it is what I am starting to think about God that scares me. Intellectually I still know that God exists. If he is the loving and compasionate God that I have always professed where is he in my hour of need. Then I answer that with the observation that part of this is a need of my own making. As much as I do not "want" to belive this, I am really beginning to feel that my depression is a result of my sin.
I know, I know that is not true. But it is a struggle of intelect verses emotions. What I need is someone who can come along side me, and carry me back to the God I once knew. Not goad me into coming back to a church that may or may not even care if I am there. My pastor has invited me out to breakfast a couple times. I could tell he was trying his best to just be friends, trying too hard. He mentioned only briefly that I was missed and that he "needed" me back at church. Need, everyone seems to need something from me. My pastor who is hopelessly overworked need me. He needs someone who can teach Sunday School. My wife needs me to help her with the house. My kids need me to be an example and a good father. The Cub Scout pack needs me to be a good leader. My boss needs me to put out 1 pallet of freight per hour. All my life I have been the one who has to buck up and do the right thing. I do not want to do the right thing anymore. I do not want to be the strong one. I want to be the one who needs something, and not have to feel guilty that I do. I need a real friend. Someone who will not judge me, but will accept me for who I am and where I am at that moment. I need Jesus, but I need him to wear clothes and walk this earth in flesh and blood.
The more my absence was made an issue (by my wife and the pastor) the more I didn't want to come back. Then came my job. Working third shift on both Sunday and Monday nights makes it very difficult to stay awake. I have been working on my stamina and last week I actually stayed up until my wife got home. I was fair at work the next night. I just wish I wouldn't keep getting the comments. Night before last a coworker who occassionally attends my church mentioned that the Pastor had asked him to tell me that I should come back. It upset me a little. My wife thought it was funny.
They act as if I do not want to go back. I do. I am just afraid. I was a leader in the church. I was up for election as a member of the church board. I taught adult sunday school. Now I am left wondering if God has abandoned me. Like C. S. Lewis it is not that I am beginning to not believe in God that scares me, it is what I am starting to think about God that scares me. Intellectually I still know that God exists. If he is the loving and compasionate God that I have always professed where is he in my hour of need. Then I answer that with the observation that part of this is a need of my own making. As much as I do not "want" to belive this, I am really beginning to feel that my depression is a result of my sin.
I know, I know that is not true. But it is a struggle of intelect verses emotions. What I need is someone who can come along side me, and carry me back to the God I once knew. Not goad me into coming back to a church that may or may not even care if I am there. My pastor has invited me out to breakfast a couple times. I could tell he was trying his best to just be friends, trying too hard. He mentioned only briefly that I was missed and that he "needed" me back at church. Need, everyone seems to need something from me. My pastor who is hopelessly overworked need me. He needs someone who can teach Sunday School. My wife needs me to help her with the house. My kids need me to be an example and a good father. The Cub Scout pack needs me to be a good leader. My boss needs me to put out 1 pallet of freight per hour. All my life I have been the one who has to buck up and do the right thing. I do not want to do the right thing anymore. I do not want to be the strong one. I want to be the one who needs something, and not have to feel guilty that I do. I need a real friend. Someone who will not judge me, but will accept me for who I am and where I am at that moment. I need Jesus, but I need him to wear clothes and walk this earth in flesh and blood.
27 August 2003
Ghosts from the Past
As a result of the Dreams last night I woke up about 2am. My wife and I had a long talk. My daughter woke up (4 yr old) and started screaming that her bottom hurt. She had mentioned what could have been a molestation incident, and we were going to get her an appointment with the a Therapist to try and get some answers. While my wife took her up th the ER, I did some "playing" on the internet. I looked up an old youth organization I was involved in during High School, and early adulthood. Ok I couldn't find much of a web presence, but I did find links to some Youth Ministries related to the one I was involved with. In fact I am listening to an internet Radio music program hosted by a man who served as Camp Speaker, and Evangelist on a number of occasions. I even wrote a press release for his speaking for the local paper when I was in High School. I think I still have it in one of my scrap books. Anyway its been kind of nice taking a stroll down memory lane. You have to understand High School was 20+ years ago. I was a young whipper snapper, bold in my faith, but carrying this terrible burden. I kept the burden hidden because I was afraid. Oh I tried to tell people. I always seemed to stop short. The problem was I didn't understand it back then.
How does a teenager explain a mental illness. I couldn't. All I knew was it felt better if I did certain things. If I looked at certain images. So I self medicated my depression, my suicidal thoughts. The problem was the medication I chose did not work, and it grew to be its own obsession in my life. Now I still find myself at a loss for how to explain how I feel inside. Why I feel at times like God has abandoned me. I cry out as my Lord cried out, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" For now the heavens remain silent.
Please note, my daughter was examined by the SANE Nurse and no evidence of trauma was observed. Together my wife and the SANE Nuse decided not to do an internal exam at this time. The pain was attributed to Pin Worms. Which were very evident during the external exam. Well Pin Worms can be a nuscense but considering the alternative I am grateful for them.
How does a teenager explain a mental illness. I couldn't. All I knew was it felt better if I did certain things. If I looked at certain images. So I self medicated my depression, my suicidal thoughts. The problem was the medication I chose did not work, and it grew to be its own obsession in my life. Now I still find myself at a loss for how to explain how I feel inside. Why I feel at times like God has abandoned me. I cry out as my Lord cried out, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" For now the heavens remain silent.
Please note, my daughter was examined by the SANE Nurse and no evidence of trauma was observed. Together my wife and the SANE Nuse decided not to do an internal exam at this time. The pain was attributed to Pin Worms. Which were very evident during the external exam. Well Pin Worms can be a nuscense but considering the alternative I am grateful for them.
What Dreams may Come!
My DW and I had a fight last night. Not sure now exactly what happened. You see DW and I both suffer from depression and are both in the midst of changes in our medication. The fight was over something stupid. We were having a fairly normal conversation when she got this look. I know the look it usually means I have done something or said something that has made her mad. Well it turns out it wasn't me, a huge sinkfull of dishes had attracted a number of VERY obnoxious house flys. I made the mistake of commenting on theundone dishes. She started into her ussual well if you would help out speach.
Do I help, well I think I do. Do I help enough, most definately not. There in lies the conflict. I do not know where enough is. It seems to me she is more concerned with her life outside the home then her life inside the home. My father worked, and my mother worked. You see most of my father's money went to pay the sallary of the local bartender. My father never lifted a finger around the house. Oh he did many major repairs but even most of those were left to my mother. My mother and us kids did the house work. Ok compared to my father, I do a hell of alot more around the house then I could be doing. Is it as much as I could, no probably not. My mother raised 8 kids, worked and kept the house reasonably clean. My wife does not work, has only 4 kids and cannot keep the house from becoming trashed.
Ok I will be the first to admit that is not entirely a fair comparison. Am I expecting too much from my wife? I am not expecting the moon, what I really want is to not have to worry if I will have a clean, repaired pair of pants to wear to work. That I can walk from most anyplace in the house too most any otherplace and stay on the carpet, or floor, and not be stepping on clothes or dishes or spilled food.
I know I need to do more. I know I tend to isolate. Mostly I know that she struggles too. I just want her to acknowledge that I am trying. She sees what I am doing as isolating, being on the computer and such. This journal, starting to code websites again, they are all baby steps back. Back to doing things, talking to people. I struggle each day with just dropping it all. Just walking away from reality once and for all. Each day I wake up, each day I go to work is a success. I know I am not where I should be, but I thank God I am not were I could be. I just wish I could somehow communicate to DW not to push. Any good, any hope, that I build each day is dashed and broken, when she reminds me just how far I have to come.
I am seriously considering asking my doctor about ECT treatments. It scares me half to death to even say that. My Grandfather had to have them. A former client of mine had them when he became catatonic with depression. I am tired of struggling, tired of feeling like my life is for naught. Tired of my only dream in life being that, I will still be alive next year at this time.
After the fight, I went to sleep. Ussually I feel better after some sleep. Particularly now that I have my CPAP machine. Buty this time I dreamed. Horrible crazy mixed up dreams. Probably a side effect of this new medication. Where my former medication was known for supressing dreams, this new one is known for helping dreams. In the end of the dreams I took a handful of pills. Two police officers tried to stop me, but were unable. The dream ended there. I woke up with a slight renewal of hope. I still have a little fight left in me. I only hope that I am able to claw enough ground to keep me out of the pit until they can get my meds straitened out. A reader pointed out 2 Corinthians 1 in the forums. I am at that stage were Paul was about verse 9 I think, despairing even of life itself. I pray I can rwach the point where I can see God's purpose behind this present suffering.
Do I help, well I think I do. Do I help enough, most definately not. There in lies the conflict. I do not know where enough is. It seems to me she is more concerned with her life outside the home then her life inside the home. My father worked, and my mother worked. You see most of my father's money went to pay the sallary of the local bartender. My father never lifted a finger around the house. Oh he did many major repairs but even most of those were left to my mother. My mother and us kids did the house work. Ok compared to my father, I do a hell of alot more around the house then I could be doing. Is it as much as I could, no probably not. My mother raised 8 kids, worked and kept the house reasonably clean. My wife does not work, has only 4 kids and cannot keep the house from becoming trashed.
Ok I will be the first to admit that is not entirely a fair comparison. Am I expecting too much from my wife? I am not expecting the moon, what I really want is to not have to worry if I will have a clean, repaired pair of pants to wear to work. That I can walk from most anyplace in the house too most any otherplace and stay on the carpet, or floor, and not be stepping on clothes or dishes or spilled food.
I know I need to do more. I know I tend to isolate. Mostly I know that she struggles too. I just want her to acknowledge that I am trying. She sees what I am doing as isolating, being on the computer and such. This journal, starting to code websites again, they are all baby steps back. Back to doing things, talking to people. I struggle each day with just dropping it all. Just walking away from reality once and for all. Each day I wake up, each day I go to work is a success. I know I am not where I should be, but I thank God I am not were I could be. I just wish I could somehow communicate to DW not to push. Any good, any hope, that I build each day is dashed and broken, when she reminds me just how far I have to come.
I am seriously considering asking my doctor about ECT treatments. It scares me half to death to even say that. My Grandfather had to have them. A former client of mine had them when he became catatonic with depression. I am tired of struggling, tired of feeling like my life is for naught. Tired of my only dream in life being that, I will still be alive next year at this time.
After the fight, I went to sleep. Ussually I feel better after some sleep. Particularly now that I have my CPAP machine. Buty this time I dreamed. Horrible crazy mixed up dreams. Probably a side effect of this new medication. Where my former medication was known for supressing dreams, this new one is known for helping dreams. In the end of the dreams I took a handful of pills. Two police officers tried to stop me, but were unable. The dream ended there. I woke up with a slight renewal of hope. I still have a little fight left in me. I only hope that I am able to claw enough ground to keep me out of the pit until they can get my meds straitened out. A reader pointed out 2 Corinthians 1 in the forums. I am at that stage were Paul was about verse 9 I think, despairing even of life itself. I pray I can rwach the point where I can see God's purpose behind this present suffering.
25 August 2003
Whats in a Name?
Whats in a name? As you will notice I go by the monicer Lion's Cub, or just The Cub for short. Why do I do this? Well first let me say I date back to an era of computing before internet, before cable Modems, when 9600 bps was considered fast. Back then it seemed everyone hand a handle or screen name online. Some did it to hide, and still do. Some are hackers and crackers, and virus makers. I am a hacker of the old school. Back when the term didn't necessarily have an evil or criminal conotation to it. Back then it ment someone, anyone who really wanted to know how a computer worked.
I must also confess to a slight case of paranoia. Maybe its deserved and maybe its not. There are people in my life who may come across this website who simply would not understand. The do not understand Depression or Mental Illness. During a recent hospitalization several of us discussed the idea of changing the name of Depression. People think, "Your just sad, get over it and get on with life." If I had a nickle for everytime I heard that going back to my teen years I would not have money problems. There are also those who do not believe that Mental Illness can affect Christians. They like the Pastor I just heard about in Milwaukee, Wisconsin make struggling with this disease even more difficult.
Ok I mentioned this pastor, and for those of you who do not know the story here it is in a nut shell. A child suffering from Autism was taken by his parents to this church. I do not know the name of the church. They had a prayer meeting to cast out the demons who were causing his autism. Long story short the boy is dead, the pastor is in jail. Scenes like this not only give all of Christianity a bad name, they make my blood boil. The mind can be effected and affected by illnesses just like the body. I no more have a Demon because I have Depression, then I do if I have a cold. I will not go into what I think should be done to this pastor, because to do so would definately not show a proper Christian attitude. Don't even get me started on the so called "Faith Movement."
Anyway I had one pastor recomend, and send me off to a "Christian Rehabilitation Program." The program was designed to meet the needs of hard core street drug addicts. I come from hickville Wisconsin, and know nothing of city street life. Besides I have never had problems with Drugs or alchohol, I chose to self medicate my Depression with sexual stimulation. [More on that probably later.] The program told me I was Depressed because I was sinning, and if I quit sinning I woudn't be depressed anymore. The programs doctor took me off my medications. Life has NEVER been the same since. I saw and heard things in that program I wish I never had. So I choose to hide, and stay a little anonymous. It is not total saftey, but it is a little safety.
The name, is of simple deriviation. One of my favorite authors is C.S. Lewis. He wrote a series of books called the Chronicles of Narnia. Aslan the main character in the books is a Lion. He is the type and symbol of Christ through the books. Jesus Christ is described as the Lion of Judah. Since Jesus Christ is God, and I am God's child as well then I too must be a lion, or as the name says a Lion's Cub.
Anyway that is what is in a name, and why I choose the name I do. I also use it to play online games, so if you see TheCub or LionsCub around that just might be me. Say hi, and if it is just ask me what Aslan is doing in my life lately and I will know you have read this. And if you know me in the real world, please there are some secrets that just need to be kept, at least for a while.
I must also confess to a slight case of paranoia. Maybe its deserved and maybe its not. There are people in my life who may come across this website who simply would not understand. The do not understand Depression or Mental Illness. During a recent hospitalization several of us discussed the idea of changing the name of Depression. People think, "Your just sad, get over it and get on with life." If I had a nickle for everytime I heard that going back to my teen years I would not have money problems. There are also those who do not believe that Mental Illness can affect Christians. They like the Pastor I just heard about in Milwaukee, Wisconsin make struggling with this disease even more difficult.
Ok I mentioned this pastor, and for those of you who do not know the story here it is in a nut shell. A child suffering from Autism was taken by his parents to this church. I do not know the name of the church. They had a prayer meeting to cast out the demons who were causing his autism. Long story short the boy is dead, the pastor is in jail. Scenes like this not only give all of Christianity a bad name, they make my blood boil. The mind can be effected and affected by illnesses just like the body. I no more have a Demon because I have Depression, then I do if I have a cold. I will not go into what I think should be done to this pastor, because to do so would definately not show a proper Christian attitude. Don't even get me started on the so called "Faith Movement."
Anyway I had one pastor recomend, and send me off to a "Christian Rehabilitation Program." The program was designed to meet the needs of hard core street drug addicts. I come from hickville Wisconsin, and know nothing of city street life. Besides I have never had problems with Drugs or alchohol, I chose to self medicate my Depression with sexual stimulation. [More on that probably later.] The program told me I was Depressed because I was sinning, and if I quit sinning I woudn't be depressed anymore. The programs doctor took me off my medications. Life has NEVER been the same since. I saw and heard things in that program I wish I never had. So I choose to hide, and stay a little anonymous. It is not total saftey, but it is a little safety.
The name, is of simple deriviation. One of my favorite authors is C.S. Lewis. He wrote a series of books called the Chronicles of Narnia. Aslan the main character in the books is a Lion. He is the type and symbol of Christ through the books. Jesus Christ is described as the Lion of Judah. Since Jesus Christ is God, and I am God's child as well then I too must be a lion, or as the name says a Lion's Cub.
Anyway that is what is in a name, and why I choose the name I do. I also use it to play online games, so if you see TheCub or LionsCub around that just might be me. Say hi, and if it is just ask me what Aslan is doing in my life lately and I will know you have read this. And if you know me in the real world, please there are some secrets that just need to be kept, at least for a while.
21 August 2003
Web Site Updates
Good morning. I know I have not been writing much lately. The doctor is going through a change of medication, and I am being weened off of one and increasing another. So far the changes have not been good. I basically slept through my two days off. Which I know is hard on my kids because there is so precious little time to spend with them. Any way I have done some improvments to the right side menu bar including a forum. Ok its not perfect but it is free, and right now I am limited to free. I have also added a link to a tell a friend feature. If you find my ramblings interesting, or even if you just find them kind of nutty please pass the link on to your friends, or maybe your enemies.
Any way I am VERY tired right now and am heading off to bed. Not expecting to get much sleep because my daughter is going to be watching the two younger girls while my wife is at the doctors. Oh well I suppose its the life of a third shifter.
Any way I am VERY tired right now and am heading off to bed. Not expecting to get much sleep because my daughter is going to be watching the two younger girls while my wife is at the doctors. Oh well I suppose its the life of a third shifter.
17 August 2003
Personality Disorder Test - Personality Test
I took this Personality Disorder Test just out of curiosity. I found the results surprising.
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | High |
| Schizoid: | Very High |
| Schizotypal: | Moderate |
| Antisocial: | Low |
| Borderline: | Moderate |
| Histrionic: | Moderate |
| Narcissistic: | Moderate |
| Avoidant: | High |
| Dependent: | High |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | High |
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- | |
Ok I know its probably not the most accurate diagnostic but it is illuminating in a few ways. more on that later though, right now its time for me to get some sleep.
16 August 2003
Family
Family is important, at least that is what I was taught growing up. I come from a family of 5 brothers and sisters. I now have four of my own. Each cope with my disease in a little different way. I should point out as I think it is relevant that my wife has been diagnosed with depression also. This makes life terribly difficult for our children at times.
AG is our first born. She is 12 now. She struggles quietly without saying much. She is alot like I was as a child. Taking everything in, stewing over it, and lashing out periodically to relieve the pain. She is so quiet about life in general most of the time that I have to keep reminding myself, she is not imune to the effects of this disease. Just yesterday she threw one of her tantrums. When she was sent to her room for displaying her "attitude" she mumbled something about killing herself. Attention seeking behavior, possibly. Well it worked, she got attention all right. Actually we had a rather nice talk.
JB is the second oldest. He is a head strong, energetic, and very curious 11 year old boy. He also has ADHD and possibly depression too. He too has threatened suicide, and that was in first grade. He has no trouble expressing his emotions, and he does so often, and in extremes. He can be the most trying boy, or the sweetest. It all depends. The problem is telling what it depends on. He can go from being that sweet loving child to a holy terror with little notice or apearent provocation.
JG is our 4 year old girl. She addores her big brother. She is following in his foot steps. I do not know if you can learn to be ADHD or if it is a case of birds of a feather flock together. I think in many ways she has it the hardest of all. She tries so hard to fit in, to find her niche in the family. She also has a long memory particularly for promises.
RG is one. She is the baby in the family, literally at this point. She is VERY curious, and persistant. She has surprised us on more then one occasion with her problem solving skills. Typically it involves her attempts to get into something we are trying to keep her out of. If it can make a mess, and she can at all possibly get into it she will.
DW is my wife. As I have mentioned she is also a depression sufferer, and has been diagnosed with ADHD herself. We have been married for 15 years. It is the first marriage for either of us. Marriage is a hell of alot of work under the most ideal of situations. Add to it Depression, ADHD, financial issues (more on that later), and other issues it takes a miracle to survive. There in is the thing, I want more from life then survival. Right now it feels like I barely have that. If I don't have it how can I make sure my kids even have that much.
AG is our first born. She is 12 now. She struggles quietly without saying much. She is alot like I was as a child. Taking everything in, stewing over it, and lashing out periodically to relieve the pain. She is so quiet about life in general most of the time that I have to keep reminding myself, she is not imune to the effects of this disease. Just yesterday she threw one of her tantrums. When she was sent to her room for displaying her "attitude" she mumbled something about killing herself. Attention seeking behavior, possibly. Well it worked, she got attention all right. Actually we had a rather nice talk.
JB is the second oldest. He is a head strong, energetic, and very curious 11 year old boy. He also has ADHD and possibly depression too. He too has threatened suicide, and that was in first grade. He has no trouble expressing his emotions, and he does so often, and in extremes. He can be the most trying boy, or the sweetest. It all depends. The problem is telling what it depends on. He can go from being that sweet loving child to a holy terror with little notice or apearent provocation.
JG is our 4 year old girl. She addores her big brother. She is following in his foot steps. I do not know if you can learn to be ADHD or if it is a case of birds of a feather flock together. I think in many ways she has it the hardest of all. She tries so hard to fit in, to find her niche in the family. She also has a long memory particularly for promises.
RG is one. She is the baby in the family, literally at this point. She is VERY curious, and persistant. She has surprised us on more then one occasion with her problem solving skills. Typically it involves her attempts to get into something we are trying to keep her out of. If it can make a mess, and she can at all possibly get into it she will.
DW is my wife. As I have mentioned she is also a depression sufferer, and has been diagnosed with ADHD herself. We have been married for 15 years. It is the first marriage for either of us. Marriage is a hell of alot of work under the most ideal of situations. Add to it Depression, ADHD, financial issues (more on that later), and other issues it takes a miracle to survive. There in is the thing, I want more from life then survival. Right now it feels like I barely have that. If I don't have it how can I make sure my kids even have that much.
15 August 2003
First Time
Good morning, well at least its morning for me. This is a new experiment for me. Oh I have journaled before, and even allowed select few to read my thoughts, but I have never done so in such a public forum. My intent here is to get away from the paper and pencil journal and go with something online. Two reasons, one I am frequently at the computer, and two I am infrequently found with a pen in my hand.
What is this Blog about, its about me. Its about Depression. Its about my dealing with my depression. My hope is that over time there will be growth, and hope, where right now there is darkness. Right now I am tired, having worked 9 hours last night. This is typically my late evening time, just before I go to bed. My wife is gone with 2 of our four kids. My oldest is at a friends house, and the baby is asleep in her crib.
My wife and I had a fight before she left. She assumed I would be staying up and planned on leaving the baby home with me. I had a rough and hard night and was planning on going to bed, and assumed she was taking the baby with her. I know my working nights is hard on the family, but right now there is little other choice. I suppose the fight could have been worse, as it seems to have resolved before she left. I think what upset me the most was the assumption that I would just watch her. Anyway my wife got upset, and she started to run water to give the baby a bath, so she could get her dressed to go. Acting the Martyr all the way. I got upset, and told her to just leave, that I would stay up, ok I too acted the martyr. She got upset even more, and started yelling at the other two kids. I got upset, and told her if she was mad at me that was fine, but dont take it out on them.
In the end we both backed off. Not quite sure exactly how that happened. She left with the two kids, and I siezed the oportunity to write my first entry.
What is this Blog about, its about me. Its about Depression. Its about my dealing with my depression. My hope is that over time there will be growth, and hope, where right now there is darkness. Right now I am tired, having worked 9 hours last night. This is typically my late evening time, just before I go to bed. My wife is gone with 2 of our four kids. My oldest is at a friends house, and the baby is asleep in her crib.
My wife and I had a fight before she left. She assumed I would be staying up and planned on leaving the baby home with me. I had a rough and hard night and was planning on going to bed, and assumed she was taking the baby with her. I know my working nights is hard on the family, but right now there is little other choice. I suppose the fight could have been worse, as it seems to have resolved before she left. I think what upset me the most was the assumption that I would just watch her. Anyway my wife got upset, and she started to run water to give the baby a bath, so she could get her dressed to go. Acting the Martyr all the way. I got upset, and told her to just leave, that I would stay up, ok I too acted the martyr. She got upset even more, and started yelling at the other two kids. I got upset, and told her if she was mad at me that was fine, but dont take it out on them.
In the end we both backed off. Not quite sure exactly how that happened. She left with the two kids, and I siezed the oportunity to write my first entry.
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