Back to the Dark Ages

I hope and pray that things go well tomorrow. DW and I have to go down and try to get the electric company to keep the lights on. If it doesn't work then I am not sure what we will do. We need about $500 to guarantee that we can get them to work with us, of which we only have $100 and that is stretching our living budget for the next two weeks. We thought we were going to get a state tax refund, but that looks like it was gobbled up by someone else. Our only hope now is that it was taken by whom we think it was. If so it will still leave us with some cash to work with, but not before tomorrows deadline. We did manage to scrape enough together to pay off a chunk on the overdrafts (the ones that would have ended up going to court) and pay this months rent. Not sure what we were going to do on the back rent as we were counting on this tax check to take care of a large portion of that as well.

I know God is good, but I have to wonder where he is right now. This is not his fault it is our fault, but doesn't scripture say that even when we are not faithful he is. I could sure use some of his grace and mercy right now. I just want this nightmare to end. Every time it looks like we get a bit of good news (like the tax refund) we get slammed. Every silver lining has its cloud. I keep telling my family that this will all work out, that God will take care of us. I just wish I could see some evidence that is truly what will happen. My faith is wavering, like Peter drowning in the sea that he was so confident that he could walk on. I need Jesus to reach out and grab my hand, in a very real and practical sense.

If the lights do go off, then my notes here will be even less frequent. I will have to use public access computers to write my logs. Just downloading my emails will be a nightmare in a public access setting. Well anyway I have to be prepared for that eventuality that by tomorrow we will be living in the dark. Not a pretty thought but it will teach the kids what it was like before the electric light bulb.

God is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we can ask or imagine. So the scriptures teach. I can imagine not being in this financial abyss. I don't want to be rich, I just want enough to be able to see my family fed, clothed, and have proper shelter over our heads. God if your listening, and your word says that you are, show myself and my family some mercy and make that way of escape. I am trying to believe, please help my unbelief. It is so very difficult to trust you right now, give me the strength to trust, and the will to follow through where you would lead.

What does God want?

Well what can I say. We got our 14-day eviction notice today. Sucks really thinking of my family of 6 out on the street, but that is where we are destined. Life should be good right now. I have a job, my son is graduating from cub scouts. We lost our housing and now are up a creek without a paddle. It is a struggle to get the current months rent out let alone the back rent. Then you add the utilities on to the picture, and trying to redeem all the bounced checks before one of us ends up in jail or owing even more.

I am not sure what to believe anymore. No matter what we just can't seem to catch a break. I just don't know what is real anymore. DW says she has conversations with certain individuals, and yet then seems to contradict herself later. I want to believe her but it is difficult. She herself admits there are times when she does things and doesn't remember doing them. Maybe she is honestly remembering doing things that she has not done as well. As much as I love her she can frustrate me sometimes. Simply writing a letter a day or two earlier then she did might have been the difference between us loosing our housing and getting it restored. She refuses to tell me when she makes a mistake because she is afraid I will get mad at her. She has actively chosen to lie to me rather then admit that there is a problem in the past. So now when I need her to be honest, and I need her to fight along side me to save our home, I cannot be certain she is doing either.

I feel so helpless, so very alone. Those who care, and would want to help haven't got the means to do anything. If God is trying to get my attention he can stop anytime 'cause he has it. I just do not know what more he wants of me.