Praise Report

I posted a prayer request a few weeks ago (Sept 11) to be exact. The first item on the list was:

• Reliable transportation: You see the state of our vehicles. The van has front brakes that squeal, back brakes that leak, a muffler that is falling off, a side door that wont open, a rack-n-pinion that leaks, battery problems, a transmission that is slipping and leaks. Each day I am fortunate that it still starts. Either send us someone that can make the repairs, and give us the ability to pay for them, or provide us with a new vehicle.

Well God has done some remarkable things. On the day that my wife was to come for one of our family sessions (don't remember if it was the one where they finally sent me home or not) she was pulling into my mothers drive way when suddenly the brakes blew. She had to swerve and use a burn/brush pile to get the van stopped. It was only a matter of time. They have loaned us the use of there vehicle indefinitely, at least until the insurance comes due. They have already bought another car and when the insurance comes due on this car they will sell it to us if we still want it. It is not as big as the van but has more seat belts. It is a mini station wagon and in much better shape overall then the van ever was.

What a Ride

Times they are interesting. This has been on wild ride of a week and a half. Not sure where to begin so much has happened. First off I am home from the hospital, as is probably evident by the fact that I have returned to writing in this Blog. Things have been very interesting that is for sure. Well the doctor at the hospital put me on three different medications acting as mood stabilizers along with the anti depressant I was on. Things really were looking up. I had taken a text book along to do some study on some programming for the web, and I made it through 6 chapters in a week and understood it. I was just starting to get things turned around a corner and then it hit. That point beyond which insurance companies start balking about the length of your stay. Well I have always said it is amazing how much better you get when the Insurance doesn't want to pay.

Anyway we had been talking discharge anyway but this just rushed things. AG our oldest daughter seems to really resent the fact that I got to come home at all. At least that is how she is verbalizing these days. I know that she is just lashing out at what she doesn't understand at what she doesn't know but it hurts so much when she does. But discharge was inevitable and we tried to prepare as best as we could. My doctor basically said that he was not willing to go toe to toe with the insurance company doctors in order to get us any extra time. After discharge the insurance company also dropped coverage on one of my meds. The combo as I said above worked well for me, minus the one med It gets me no where. Ok if I take my meds at about 10:00 pm by about 7 pm the next day I am awake and alert enough to function. That time frame is sped up with the third med (the one they will not cover). Then to top it off I get a letter from the insurance company telling me how important follow up appointments are. No problem there, until the letter goes on to chastise me for not making any follow up appointments to date. The letter stated they expected at least two. That would not be a great big thing either if it were not for the fact that to date (the date on the letter) was the same day as my discharge date.

Monday is better then Friday, at least after an appointment with a Psychiatrist who has half a brain. No it is not the brain that is malfunctioning it is the bedside manner. Here is another kicker for you. When the prescribing psychiatrist was asked to intervene with the insurance company his response was if they won't cover it then he doesn't need it. Damn why and the hell did he prescribe it for me then.

Anyway as I said Monday is better then Friday. Now I just need to get my return to work situation straightened out. My current doc only wanted to do a week at a time for the leave. This puts me smack dab into inventory, and med changes and adjusting to new meds and switching from a daytime schedule to a 3rd shift schedule again. Too much to tackle at once.

To be brutally honest this hospital stay was so much better then the one I had in March of this year. If I could just take the doctors from that hospital and exchange them for the doctors at the hospital, with the food from the first hospital I went to you would have the perfect psych ward. As a general rule the staff was wonderful, they met my needs, explained things to me and did a wonderful job.

Well I am home, and for now there will not be a need for a partial day program. Now I just have to make that appointment for a therapist. I just hope the Blogs 2nd monthly birthday is a little less adventurous.

On a personal note feel free to log in and share the fact that your reading my meanderings in the guest book. You don't even have to use your real name if you don't want to.

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Added a Guestbook to my links at the right. We also have a forum if you need, or want to ask a question, or make a comment about a particular post. I hope all those who read will at least take the time to sign the guestbook, real names are not needed.

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Sureal events mark BLOG's 1 month anniversary

I fully expected this entry to be a much happier one. You see the BLOG turned 1 month old. However as I write this I am looking at the real possibility of a new hospitalization. The events that have lead to this point seem almost sureal.

It started Sunday morning after I had just come off a 9 hour shift. It had been a fairly light night as far as freight goes so I was in a fairly decent mood. I had not been back to church except on one occasion since my hospitalization and loss of job in March of 2003. I was determined to make it to church. It was a typical Sunday morning, lots of yelling and trying to get 4 unmotivated kids out the door in time for Sunday School. I almost gave up at that point. Sunday mornings getting ready for Church can be some of the most unchristian times in our household. My wife gets into the pressure of we have to get ready and all get out of the door by a certain time. Anyway thats the subject for anotehr entry.

Church was, well ok. Nothing spectacular. Sunday School left a little to be desitred in my book. More preaching then teaching, but then the available supply of teachers is pretty low. I should note this is my class, or it used to be before I was hospitalized. I taught the adult class. Anyway after the ussual church service, and getting home about noon, I was wide awake. I finally went to sellp around 2 pm. Up for work again at 9 pm. Work was basically uneventful. On the way home I noticed a fellow employee and gave him a ride home. Finally got home about 9 am. Then it was off to a town about 30 miles away to see my respiratory therapist. DW drove and I slept in the back seat. Spent a fairly good morning with DW and two youngest. Even got a chance to do some window shopping around the mall, before hunger got the better of us all. Came home and it was off to bed for a short nap.

Woke up about 6pm and went with DW to a local homeless shelter were my pastor works. They had some furniture that needed to be gotten rid of, and he thought we might be able to use some. We chose a couch and loaded it up in the back of his truck. He said he was going to deliver it later that night. We came home to the smell of something burnt, and lighter fluid in the house. Seems DS decided to play with fire while we were out. Fortunately no damage done. This is a very frustrating thing, not sure if it is a boy thing, and ADHD thing or combination of both.

Anyway DS was put to work taking out the cussions of the old couch and getting it ready to be taken out to the curb. After everything was prepared my wife asked me to help him take it out. Thats when all the trouble really started. DS try as he might was neither good at pushing or pulling. He is only 11 after all. I told my DW that we would need her help if we stood any chance at getting the couch out. My DW was not much help either. I was getting pretty frustrated trying to move this big couch basically by myself. My DW was accusing me of not giving her propper directions to follow, and I was accusing her on not using common sense. Sensing the tension starting to rise I took off to cool down for a while. I drove around the block a couple of times and then came home. Tensions were still high when I got back home. DW wanted the couch outside, and I had no one to help me do it.

So I did the next logical thing. I found my hammer and proceeded into breaking the chouch down so that I would be able to handle it by myself. Angry and frustrated to begin with I chose to take that anger out on an inanimate object and kill two birds with one stone so to speak. I must have been a sight, I can only imagine. DW says I was in a blind rage. I simply remember tearing apart the couch which was rather sturdy for as falling apart as it was . The more I banged the more it started to come apart. My DW threatened to call my doctor, which she ended up doing. The nurse she spoke to took it on herself to call 911.

By the time the police arrived I was getting near exhaustion. It is alot of work tearign apart a couch. The officers gave me two choices. Either get a disorderly conduct ticket or go find someplace to stay for the night. Well I grabbed my CPAP machine and headed over to my mothers. I should not one of the officers was kind enough to help me carry the remains of the couch out to the curb before I left.

My wife was on the phone with my doctor, and the hospital most of the day today. I slept most of the day. It all seems like so much of a dream. My choices are day program or evening program, or inpatient. All I know is I am tired. Tired of feeling this way. Tired of dealing with this disease. I am tired of trying and getting so far and falling so far back that it feels like I am starting over. I even revoked my no suicide agreement with my doctor today. Not that I feel like hurting myself, it was just I didn't weant it to get in the way. Funny how a little piece of paper really does seem to get in the way.

So if this BLOG should grow silent for a time, please don't abandon it. I haven't, and I won't. I'll be back just as soon as I can get access to a PC and the internet again.

Awards

Ok I lied, or at the very least I was mistaken. This had come a few weeks earlier and I had not upacked the zip file. Technically this is the first award recieved by my Blog. Hmm, may have to develop an awards page if this keeps up.

Miracle Needed

Last night at work I was thinking. It was payday, and after the check was depositied we had a wopping $50.00 in the bank. It is very frustrating working as hard as I do and being so far behind. Right now I need a major financial miracle in my life. I am reminded of the verse that says God is able to do exceedingly abundently above all we can ask or imagine. My question is When will he?

Dear Lord,
I know that you exist and that you see the plight of your people. Forgive my unbelief. It is a product of my illness. Here is my need, I post it here so that my brothers and sisters out there can also pray.

• Reliable transportation: You see the state of our vehicles. The van has front brakes that squeel, back brakes that leak, a muffler that is falling off, a side door that wont open, a rack-n-pinion that leaks, battery problems, a transmission that is slipping and leaks. Each day I am fortunate that it still starts. Either send us someone that can make the repairs, and give us the ability to pay for them, or provide us with a new vehicle.
• Utilities: Help us get the things repaired around the house that need to be repaired. Faucets that drip, toilets that leak. The add immensly to our water and sewer bills. Help us find ways to keep energy costs down. Help us budget out enough money top pay the utilities so we don't continually face cut offs. This month our electric bill was $150.00 and our heat bill did not get paid due to overdrafts on our checking account. And now with the overdrafts this week, there still is no money.
• Rent: We owe about $2,000.00 in back rent. You know the exact figure. I do not know what Marci has been able to pay but Tom's patience cannot last forever. We can not afford an eviction, nor the expenses of moving.
• Student Loans: It seems almost ironic that I went to college to help make a better living. I have not been able to make enough to even make a dent in our student loans. Now due to my depression, I cannot handle the stress of a job that will pay better. I can barely handle the stress of the job that I have now.
• Medical: I am facing another change in insurance. I cannot afford the coverage provided by work. Not sure that we can stay on this coverage. If I loose medical insurance I will loose acceess to treatment of my depression. I do not even want to think of the consequences of that.
• Family: Help us all in the family understand each other and help each other more. DW is so frustrated with life right now. I know she did not mean to call AG and JG the names she used when she woke up from her nap yesterday. I cannot imagine how much that must have hurt them. I know I am not perfect, but I pray my children make it through there mother and my illness with a little understanding, and not too emotionally scarred.
• Computer: This is the least of my concerns. With starting to develope my web presence, and trying to set up the Churches as well as HCY's web site I am running into serious hardware and software limitations.
• Food/Shelter: Lord you know that the state is providing the vast majority of these needs. DW tells me that she has notified them of my new job. As yet they do not seem to have noticed, and have not adjusted our benefits. I do have to admit that that worries me a little, I would have thought there would have been some adjustment by now. Marci has her review with the case worker tommorow. I pray that all will go well, and that these expenses will not be thrust on us too suddenly.
• Unemployment: I still owe unemployment repayments from the last time I was off work. Still a few thousand dollars.
• Medical Bills: We need to find a way to start repaying these. I loose track of how many we have. Marci's surgery from when our insurance benefits ran out. All the kids bills from before we had MA.
• Work: Work is hard physically. The late nights are taking there toll. Last night I missed a step on the ladder and landed hard on my leg. It jarred my ankle, my knee, and my hip. I pray my body will continue to take the physical punishment of the job. I pray that I will find some way to speed up my work so that my boss will get off my back. I know that my speed is probably part of my disability, but I am afraid if I say anything it will be three jobs I have lost directly or indirectly due to the depression. Then there is the stress of home that weighs on me at work. DW is in such a fragile state right now. I worry about her home with the kids. What if JS gets out of hand, or she yells at the girls, or worse kicks them out of the house like she did yesterday. Sex: I know that DW and my problems emotionally are manifest in our physical life. I am trying to keep myself through all this. Not push her, not demand physical affection from her. I am struggling with reverting bacck to old habbits. I pray that through all of this you will keep me pure, and somehow allow DW and I to rebond again. To put our past behind us. To enjoy real physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy with each other.

Thats my prayer. Most of it anyway. I am getting very tired having been up working on our churches website most of the morning while my DW was at a doctors appointment. I need sleep and it is getting very late.

Awards

My meager little blog has earned its first award. I wish to thank all the special friends I have made at Child of God Webring. If you follow the link to the ring at the bottom of this page you will find more sites devoted to Christians recovering from or dealing with mental illnesses. Most of which are much more up beat and encouraging then my journal. Soon I hope to add a links page so visitors can visit some of the sites that I have found encouraging and informative in dealing with my depression. My hope is to build this site beyond just the journal portion, but all good things come with time.

Out of the Boat

What is life? Is life really what is happening right now? It seems more like a nightmare at times. Quite often just a dream. We had a family meeting last night. To try and bring some order to chaos. Chaos is just what we have right now. Our finances are a mess. Emotionally and physically my wife and I just don't seem to connect. My daughter told me the other day that if we got a divorce she was never coming to see me. A moment seems like it can last so long.

Peter stepped from the boat. He had done this more times then he could count. The only difference was each of those times had been in sight of dry land. Now he was stepping out into the middle of the sea. Why had he opened his mouth? He knew his impatients would be the death of him yet. He looked out across the waves to where the master stood. He found his feet secure in the water as they were on land. Letting go of the side of the boat he took a step out toward the master. For an instant he thought he saw a small smile cross the master's face. He took another step and the master's smile grew. Just then a gust of wind caused a wave to splash against his leg. What on earth was he doing. He was miles from solid land. He looked back at the boat. if he jumped just right he could make it back to safety. He looked down and saw the water lapping at his knees. He felt the rush in an instant. The water colapsed around him and he fell. He tried to find the master but he was obscured by the waves. Peter struggled to swim back to the boat but it too was gone. Disapearing behind the waves he was suddenly alone. His mouth, his damnable mouth. He had to open his mouth. "If its you master, tell me to come to you on the waves." Why had he said those words. His thoughts turned toward his wife. He had survived years at sea, in storms far worse then this one. He saw his brother, Andrew, standing at the door to his house, his wife colapsed from grief in his arms. What had posessed him to follow this man from Nazareth. What had possessed him to have so much faith, that he would step out of a boat in the middle of the night. Water stung his lungs, he began to cough. He went under, pulled down by the force of the waves. He fought the urge to breath until he could reach the surface again. His hand broke the surface and then his head. "Help me Jesus." He coughed as his head again disapeared below the waves. Something caught his hand, something soft yet firm. It pulled him above the water and he opened his eyes. He was stareing into the eyes of the Master. In that instant he saw disapointment, and love. He averted his eyes, as Jesus wrapped his arm around him. Together they walked back to the boat. Climbing inside John handed them both a towel to help dry off. At that moment Peter wished he could just disapear. He had failed so miserably. Lost were those mements of triumph has he had sprung over the side of the boat. Lost were those first faith filled steps into the storm. He had failed.

I know there is more to the story. Peter found the faith he needed in the end. This was not the first failure, nor was it the last for Peter. It is in that moment when the waves of life crash around us, when we reach our hand as far as we can toward heaven and cry out "God I need you!" That is where I am right now. It seems like Peter that I have been here before. Failed to keep my eyes on the author of life, and looked instead to the circumstances of life. How desperately I need Jesus to reach down and grasp my upstretched hand. How desperately I need to stop relying on my own strength to rescue myself. I have lost my focus. I cannot find Jesus nor the boat through the waves. The waves of debt crash against me. Threatening to drown me. The waves of doubt push me down. I do not know how to get my kids to mind. How to I bring organization to the chaos around me if I cannot bring organization to the chaos within me.

Baby Steps

It was a long, and hard night last night. I did manage to stay out of my bosses way for most of the night. Anyway I will make this short, or at least try to. If I start to ramble a little please forgive me. I thought I would explore steps. No not the twelve steps, although those can be useful. Just simple steps. DW and I seem to disagree on just what steps need to be done, and how fast. My counselor ( I should say former counselor), had recomended that I pick one thing. If I can do that one thing then the day is a success. No matter what else gets done, or doesn't get done.

You may ask why my counselor is my former counselor. Well did I mention I HATE INSURANCE COMPANIES. After my last hospitalization I was set up with a counselor. Nice guy, easy to talk to. I have not done talk therapy in a while. Anyway things were going well. I was worried that since I had just been fired I was loosing my insurance and would be transfering to Medical Assistance. My counselor assured me that it didn't matter, once I was his client, I would stay his client, we would work out the insurance thing when it happened. Well it happened, and guess what. The insurance refuses to certify the clinic. Now that I am working again and approaching 90 days I have NO idea what will happen to my insurance. It will probably all disapear. You see I cannot afford the insurance offered at work, and there is a real possibility that I will loose the insurance. Then what happens? No medication, no doctor, no counselor? Well anyway I am finding it very difficult to go back to a new counselor only to have the services torn out from under me yet again.

Any way those are tommorrows steps. I need to remember to deal with todays steps. What steps am I taking?

Medication:

Working with my Psychiatrist we are looking at trying different medications. I have been on Zoloft, Prozac, and Paxil. Zoloft worked but it is not working now. We are switching to Welbutrin SR. So far it has appeared to help.

Journaling:

This is an experiment and a tool. Your reading the journal. While not daily it is good to be able to put down on paper (electronic though it may be) my feelings, thoughts and activities.

Bible reading:

I started this a few weeks ago. You see I have tried several different ways to have daily reading time and they work for a while and then I fail. Internet to the rescue yet again. Enter E-dification.com. They have a service where they will break down the Old and/or New Testament into a daily bite. So you can get through it in a year. They mail the portion to you daily. SO far its been working, as I do tend to check my email daily. I am doing just the new testament. They also use a new translation which is really easy to read and understand.

Work:

I have been going every day, no calling in sick. Ok I did come home sick Thursday night after working half a shift.

Exercise:

This is work too. Ok I unload freight all night. Lifting 5 gallon buckets of paint and assorted other things is a real work out.

Sleep:

I am REALLY trying to get 8 hours sleep every night. I use my CPAP machine almost every time. I still have some work on this one because I will drift off on the couch and not be on my machine.

Are there other things I could be doing? Most definately yes. My wife probably has a list of them. These are the steps I am taking. Right now that is enough. I have also begun to program again. Creating this web page, and the churches web page have really helped me focus. To DW these are just distractions. She sees them as attempts on my part to isolate. I am just not ready for groups right now. Its hard enogh for me to deal with work for 9 hours. There are other things that I would like to do.

Geocaching:

This is a new sport, where you use a GPS devise to go out and find things that others have left in the woods. Its something you can do alone or in a group. Unfortunately it costs money. You have to buy the GPS. They start at $100.00 and go up from there. Thats not much money but when normal expenses puts your bank account $200+ dollars in the hole and you have a week left before payday. I try not to spend money, but occasionally I will. My wife controls the books and I always wonder if we will have lights and heat from day to day.

Even help costs money. I went to a site of a Christian Ministry to look for help. Every link that offered real help, seemed to cost something. there conferneces seemed like they would REALLY help but they cost money. Everything costs money. Well I am starting to bable and get off track.

Isolation

Why do I tend to isolate myself? That is the question I have been asking myself lately. Maybe it is an attempt to shield myself from further pain. I have not been to church except for one occasion since my last hospitalization. At first I was just too embarased. I have not made a very public expression of my illness. I had lost my job for the second time in 2 years. When I came home from the hospital I just didn't want to face anyone. Maybe part of it was that I was a little disapointed in how few people actually came to visit or write or call. Part of it is I think my wife kept it a secret. I know when my son was hospitalized she didn't want alot of people to know. In her own way she is afraid of how people will react. Mostly I think I just didn't want to have to answer any questions about why I was in the hospital.

The more my absence was made an issue (by my wife and the pastor) the more I didn't want to come back. Then came my job. Working third shift on both Sunday and Monday nights makes it very difficult to stay awake. I have been working on my stamina and last week I actually stayed up until my wife got home. I was fair at work the next night. I just wish I wouldn't keep getting the comments. Night before last a coworker who occassionally attends my church mentioned that the Pastor had asked him to tell me that I should come back. It upset me a little. My wife thought it was funny.

They act as if I do not want to go back. I do. I am just afraid. I was a leader in the church. I was up for election as a member of the church board. I taught adult sunday school. Now I am left wondering if God has abandoned me. Like C. S. Lewis it is not that I am beginning to not believe in God that scares me, it is what I am starting to think about God that scares me. Intellectually I still know that God exists. If he is the loving and compasionate God that I have always professed where is he in my hour of need. Then I answer that with the observation that part of this is a need of my own making. As much as I do not "want" to belive this, I am really beginning to feel that my depression is a result of my sin.

I know, I know that is not true. But it is a struggle of intelect verses emotions. What I need is someone who can come along side me, and carry me back to the God I once knew. Not goad me into coming back to a church that may or may not even care if I am there. My pastor has invited me out to breakfast a couple times. I could tell he was trying his best to just be friends, trying too hard. He mentioned only briefly that I was missed and that he "needed" me back at church. Need, everyone seems to need something from me. My pastor who is hopelessly overworked need me. He needs someone who can teach Sunday School. My wife needs me to help her with the house. My kids need me to be an example and a good father. The Cub Scout pack needs me to be a good leader. My boss needs me to put out 1 pallet of freight per hour. All my life I have been the one who has to buck up and do the right thing. I do not want to do the right thing anymore. I do not want to be the strong one. I want to be the one who needs something, and not have to feel guilty that I do. I need a real friend. Someone who will not judge me, but will accept me for who I am and where I am at that moment. I need Jesus, but I need him to wear clothes and walk this earth in flesh and blood.