Out of the Boat

What is life? Is life really what is happening right now? It seems more like a nightmare at times. Quite often just a dream. We had a family meeting last night. To try and bring some order to chaos. Chaos is just what we have right now. Our finances are a mess. Emotionally and physically my wife and I just don't seem to connect. My daughter told me the other day that if we got a divorce she was never coming to see me. A moment seems like it can last so long.

Peter stepped from the boat. He had done this more times then he could count. The only difference was each of those times had been in sight of dry land. Now he was stepping out into the middle of the sea. Why had he opened his mouth? He knew his impatients would be the death of him yet. He looked out across the waves to where the master stood. He found his feet secure in the water as they were on land. Letting go of the side of the boat he took a step out toward the master. For an instant he thought he saw a small smile cross the master's face. He took another step and the master's smile grew. Just then a gust of wind caused a wave to splash against his leg. What on earth was he doing. He was miles from solid land. He looked back at the boat. if he jumped just right he could make it back to safety. He looked down and saw the water lapping at his knees. He felt the rush in an instant. The water colapsed around him and he fell. He tried to find the master but he was obscured by the waves. Peter struggled to swim back to the boat but it too was gone. Disapearing behind the waves he was suddenly alone. His mouth, his damnable mouth. He had to open his mouth. "If its you master, tell me to come to you on the waves." Why had he said those words. His thoughts turned toward his wife. He had survived years at sea, in storms far worse then this one. He saw his brother, Andrew, standing at the door to his house, his wife colapsed from grief in his arms. What had posessed him to follow this man from Nazareth. What had possessed him to have so much faith, that he would step out of a boat in the middle of the night. Water stung his lungs, he began to cough. He went under, pulled down by the force of the waves. He fought the urge to breath until he could reach the surface again. His hand broke the surface and then his head. "Help me Jesus." He coughed as his head again disapeared below the waves. Something caught his hand, something soft yet firm. It pulled him above the water and he opened his eyes. He was stareing into the eyes of the Master. In that instant he saw disapointment, and love. He averted his eyes, as Jesus wrapped his arm around him. Together they walked back to the boat. Climbing inside John handed them both a towel to help dry off. At that moment Peter wished he could just disapear. He had failed so miserably. Lost were those mements of triumph has he had sprung over the side of the boat. Lost were those first faith filled steps into the storm. He had failed.

I know there is more to the story. Peter found the faith he needed in the end. This was not the first failure, nor was it the last for Peter. It is in that moment when the waves of life crash around us, when we reach our hand as far as we can toward heaven and cry out "God I need you!" That is where I am right now. It seems like Peter that I have been here before. Failed to keep my eyes on the author of life, and looked instead to the circumstances of life. How desperately I need Jesus to reach down and grasp my upstretched hand. How desperately I need to stop relying on my own strength to rescue myself. I have lost my focus. I cannot find Jesus nor the boat through the waves. The waves of debt crash against me. Threatening to drown me. The waves of doubt push me down. I do not know how to get my kids to mind. How to I bring organization to the chaos around me if I cannot bring organization to the chaos within me.