Here I am again trying to make sense out of the senseless. I am trying not to be ruled by emotions but it can be so hard some days. Seems most of my days are spent going to work, coming home, sleeping, getting up, and going back to work. Our debt load is unmanageable. The house is a shambles on most days, and when its not 4 kids usually make short work out of any cleanliness there was. Third shift is killing me but I cannot afford to go to first, the cut in pay would be devastating. I don't have the time nor energy to do family activities and when I do I don't enjoy them. Add to this I have to find a new psychiatrist and therapist.
I just wish this made sense. I have no connection to anything and that scares me. I try and go to church but I am so physically exhausted that I can't. Even when I go there is a disconnect. There is no commonality or true friendships. I sometimes feel that if I really let others know how much I am in need others will grow tired of hearing me complain. I have the same questions I did as a teen, and they all boil down to why me. It makes no sense. I know that God exists and that he sent his son to purchase my salvation. I know that I have accepted him as savior, and yet beyond that nothing seems to make sense. Is this all some cosmic judgment or discipline for my mistakes? Why does it seem that no matter what we do we just can't seem to catch a break? I feel like Job or Joseph having trouble heaped on trouble and yet I have no claim to righteousness. Quite the opposite in fact is true. I have wants and lusts, and desires that rage and for which I have found no freedom or spiritual release in the last 27 years. All I have been able to manage are momentary lulls and a lessoning of the urges but they have never completely gone away.
They are in themselves a form of self medication, and at the same time a part of the problem. My current medication regime does not appear to be working, but that seems only evident to me. When I talked last to my old psychiatrist she didn't want to make any drastic changes in meds. Probably waiting on the new psychiatrist to tackle that problem. I just want a sense of stability, where ever that may come from. I needed to know that I am on course for something.
Its not all doom and gloom though. I have moments, sometimes lasting a few hours in a day that I have hope. I go from knowing that God exists to believing that he is really in control. I have hope, a dream and a belief that it will work out. I have my DVR review coming up this month. That is a good thing. Its funny I went through them once before so I could leave manual labor behind. Now my mind is starting to fail me so where do I turn. Where can I find a low stress job that won't leave my physical body a wreck, but that offers enough financial reward that I can provide for my family without loosing my mind in the process.
The general question is how do I keep going, when most days I just want to crawl in a hole. I do manage to keep going bit by bit, mostly out of fear of what a complete breakdown would do to my children. This is so difficult for them to understand. I cry sometimes just thinking about the hell that they must be experiencing between my mood swings and those of my wife. Add to that my son's ADHD and his temper and our whole emotional make up of a family is short circuited.