Despair and Faith

It is difficult to keep the faith as it were. There are days when all I feel is this crushing weight. I have been reading a book by Michael Card about the life of Peter. In it he talks about looking beyond the present reality to the faith reality. It seems even more difficult now that a little money is starting to trickle in. Where to spend it. So many voices clamoring for what they are owed and yet I have no way of even paying a small portion on any one of them. Then there is the present needs, things we have been going without in order to get by. It is hard not to despair.

I am being effected by my shift more then I think I truly realize. Shift work and lack of sleep, are leading me right into despair. The monetary situation doesn't help either. I know my doctor keeps talking about getting enough sleep and she is right. When I was not working my mind seemed so sharp, the new medications really helped clear the fog and allowed me to get some real work done. I read 3/4 of a programming book and actually comprehended it. Now I sleep through my two days off even with the medications. My work on AVFMW and my other web commitments seems almost at a stand still. I did work on some of the programming that I need for the one sight by the end of the month and it was like slogging through mud. What had been clear as day only a few weeks ago seems so cloudy now. I knew the stuff but even with examples it seemed it took forever to get any code out. And now I go back to work and I will lose the momentum that I have gained.

Then there is the crying. Seems everything these days evoke tears. My grandfather always said it was genetic, our bladder was too close to our eyes. I don't think he knew the truth of his statement. Not the latter part mind you but the former. Like now even as I write this, I can picture him sitting in his work shed, cleaning some odd or end spare part to something no one would ever want again. He was a junk dealer and our house and his shared a common driveway. The thought of it brings back the tears of grief, as if he had died yesterday. I miss him so very much. In the later years we took to calling him Papa Ray. To distinguish him from Grandpa to his great grandchildren. I will never forget the look of peace on his face as he lay in the casket. He was buried in a simple pocket T-Shirt which my brother had slipped a pliers and a screwdriver. He was a large man, until shortly before his death when the cancer caused him to loose a lot of weight. I still remember his hands, they still betrayed the size of a man he had been. He will always be that large a man to me. His words also carry a foreboding prophetic element. My son has ADHD, with depression. Maybe not now but how many of my children did I curse with this disease. Well I really didn't want to go down this road when I started writing this afternoon, but here I am.

Before I go, I want to make a simple plea. If my meanderings have been of some help to you can you spread the word about AVFMW. Tell your family, tell your friends. Tell your therapist, your psychiatrist even. If you have not checked out our community please do. Registration is free, and it will allow you to talk to other members in our forums, submit news articles and a whole lot more. The more people in the community the better it will serve all of us.

Holiday Stress Part I

Controlled chaos, that is what life seems like these days. My doctor asked if I saw light at the end of the tunnel. I guess if I am really honest I do. The holidays that are fast approaching worry me. They are always an overwhelming time. I told my wife that I wanted a VERY understated holiday display. She seemed less then impressed. I am going to open a discussion forum in the community to discuss holiday displays. My idea is to have a simple Creche and Nativity, leaving our other decorations in the basement where they are stored. My thoughts are to make a statement against the hustle and bustle that is the Holiday Season. It would also save us from major stress which we don't need in our lives right now. It would also be a statement to our children of the true meaning behind the holiday. I know my views are radical and extreme.

As a backdrop your talking about an avid Santa Claus fan. I collect them. I own well over 200, probably up to 300 now. It started as a whim and now has grown into an obsession (grin). Maybe in the fun and excitement of the collecting I have lost my focus a little too. Trying to sort out the real from the perceived.