Just setting here wondering what to say. It has been a while since I have written and I should probably write something. I want to write something but I also feel this weight hanging over me. So much I want to do and so much that just doesn't seem to get done. I just don't seem to have motivation to do anything.
Motivation is the main thing that I see missing from my life right now. Oh I could blame it on the lack of medication and I am sure that has a lot to do with it. I just don't know where to turn these days. It seems like everytyhing just takes so much energy and I don't have the energy to do the things that I know need to be done.
On a late day in September 2010 my life changed forever. Now its time to pick up the pieces and see where the road leads from here.
20 October 2006
07 September 2006
Missouri's Stem Cell Initiative
http://centralassembly.podomatic.com/entry/2006-08-31T16_56_52-07_00
The following link will take you to a pod cast of a very informative panel descussion on the up coming Stem Cell Initiative that Missouri residents will be voting on in November.
The following link will take you to a pod cast of a very informative panel descussion on the up coming Stem Cell Initiative that Missouri residents will be voting on in November.
23 August 2006
Back in the Saddle
Ok, not sure how many are still around to read these ramblings but I am back. Hopefully for a little more regular installment plan. Anyway there is so very much that has happened in the past couple of months that it is hard to know where to start.
1) Our biggest news is that we are no longer in Wisconsin. I fear I have left my home for what looks like the final time. Maybe someday when I am rich and famous I will be able to retire there but for now I am with my family in Missouri. Don't get me wrong Missouri is a beautiful state but it is no Wisconsin. Wisconsin was my home and will always in my heart remain my home. The children are having understandably mixed reactions as we prepare them for the start of School in a few days.
2) I had the wonderful privledge of experiencing the services of Missouri's Division of Family Services. Someone did me the dubious honor of filing a false child molestation report against me and my son. The charges have been dropped but let me tell you whoever said a person was presumed inocent until proven guilty never had to face the police on these kinds of charges. It is over now (at least I hope it is) and life can resume some normalcy.
3) Medications. While I was doing fairly stable on my new medication regime I am now at the mercy of a different insurance. Over $100.00 a month for my medications and that is even leaving one off the list. Some have said I should be lucky that it is only $100.00 a month but that is still expensive and I am not sure how we can afford it. Not when You figure that we will have to add my wifes medication to that ammount to and that stands to be at least as expensive as mine. Right now I have been off my medications for several weeks and I can sure feel the difference.
4) My dear son is back in the hospital. They have taken him off his lithium and put him on a anti-depresent. He is on a stimulant in the morning for his ADHD, and an anti-depresent at night. This seems a little scary to me as he no longer has a mood stabalizer and he is on two medications to elivate his mood. Saw him in the hospital and he is noteably upset. He just appeared angry and had a chip on his shoulders. The hospital lost a pair of his pants and he is mad about that. I had to repeat several times for him to quit yelling at me as he was talking about the incident. We have an appointment with the family councilor on Thursday so hopefully we can get some answers.
Well those are the four major events in my life at the moment and I will try to keep you updated on a little more regular basis.
1) Our biggest news is that we are no longer in Wisconsin. I fear I have left my home for what looks like the final time. Maybe someday when I am rich and famous I will be able to retire there but for now I am with my family in Missouri. Don't get me wrong Missouri is a beautiful state but it is no Wisconsin. Wisconsin was my home and will always in my heart remain my home. The children are having understandably mixed reactions as we prepare them for the start of School in a few days.
2) I had the wonderful privledge of experiencing the services of Missouri's Division of Family Services. Someone did me the dubious honor of filing a false child molestation report against me and my son. The charges have been dropped but let me tell you whoever said a person was presumed inocent until proven guilty never had to face the police on these kinds of charges. It is over now (at least I hope it is) and life can resume some normalcy.
3) Medications. While I was doing fairly stable on my new medication regime I am now at the mercy of a different insurance. Over $100.00 a month for my medications and that is even leaving one off the list. Some have said I should be lucky that it is only $100.00 a month but that is still expensive and I am not sure how we can afford it. Not when You figure that we will have to add my wifes medication to that ammount to and that stands to be at least as expensive as mine. Right now I have been off my medications for several weeks and I can sure feel the difference.
4) My dear son is back in the hospital. They have taken him off his lithium and put him on a anti-depresent. He is on a stimulant in the morning for his ADHD, and an anti-depresent at night. This seems a little scary to me as he no longer has a mood stabalizer and he is on two medications to elivate his mood. Saw him in the hospital and he is noteably upset. He just appeared angry and had a chip on his shoulders. The hospital lost a pair of his pants and he is mad about that. I had to repeat several times for him to quit yelling at me as he was talking about the incident. We have an appointment with the family councilor on Thursday so hopefully we can get some answers.
Well those are the four major events in my life at the moment and I will try to keep you updated on a little more regular basis.
22 March 2006
Dealing with people
It has been, what two months since my last post. Doc has put me on some new medication. Seems to be working great, if I can manage a few of the side effects that is. Almost hate to bring them up to doc as I do not want to loose the benefits of the med. Anyway that is not really the subject of this post.
The subject of this post is my struggle to deal with people and criticisms. More then likely it is perceived criticisms. I am not sure at all if they are meant to be criticisms or not. It is frustrating because I want to throw my hands up and say, "Here you do it, see if you can do any better!" I want to run and hide and not be hurt. I don't really think they are out to hurt me it is just that (yet again) I am betrayed by my feelings.
Those are the times that I think I would give up any benefits I am getting from the meds to go back to not feeling at all. I don't and I won't do that (obviously). At least not of my own volition (that is a subject for another post). I just struggle with this fight or flight response to the littlest things it seems these days. Maybe I am just noticing it more that I am on the meds. You know thinking about it that may be what my depression was all about. Fleeing from everything! Now I know I am doing it, or at least I care about the fact that I am doing it.
Life is funny that way I think. You become depressed to stop feeling the hurt, and you stop feeling everything. Ok, that may be, or that is a very oversimplification of the process. The problem is that you still have the pain when you start to come out of the depression. Or in my case bipolar. I just keep taking it one step at a time, and work through everything as I go but it is so hard not to run. My wife says its an all or nothing attitude (grin). She would like that I admitted its true.
The subject of this post is my struggle to deal with people and criticisms. More then likely it is perceived criticisms. I am not sure at all if they are meant to be criticisms or not. It is frustrating because I want to throw my hands up and say, "Here you do it, see if you can do any better!" I want to run and hide and not be hurt. I don't really think they are out to hurt me it is just that (yet again) I am betrayed by my feelings.
Those are the times that I think I would give up any benefits I am getting from the meds to go back to not feeling at all. I don't and I won't do that (obviously). At least not of my own volition (that is a subject for another post). I just struggle with this fight or flight response to the littlest things it seems these days. Maybe I am just noticing it more that I am on the meds. You know thinking about it that may be what my depression was all about. Fleeing from everything! Now I know I am doing it, or at least I care about the fact that I am doing it.
Life is funny that way I think. You become depressed to stop feeling the hurt, and you stop feeling everything. Ok, that may be, or that is a very oversimplification of the process. The problem is that you still have the pain when you start to come out of the depression. Or in my case bipolar. I just keep taking it one step at a time, and work through everything as I go but it is so hard not to run. My wife says its an all or nothing attitude (grin). She would like that I admitted its true.
07 January 2006
Stigma
Why is there such a stigma associated with Mental Illness. Recently my sone who is diagnosed with bipolar qualified for SSI benefits. Now if our son was disabled and in a wheel chair no one would think twice. Recently my wife commented on the relief it was that we no longer had to worry about his medical care. She was told by a friend that maybe she shouldn't talk about it because people might not understand. My question is understand what?
I am bipolar, and I am beginning to be bolder about acknowledging that. The rub is that I have lost two jobs directly related to my illness. This makes it difficult for me to talk about it. If I had Diabeties then no one would think twice about it. They would understand the expensive medical treatments. But because it is a "Mental Illness" they do not understand.
It is sad really. There is so much that we can learn from those who have mental illnesses. Some of our greatest thinkers, artist, and such had some form of mental illness. Everytime I post here it is a scary experience. While I am growing bolder in admitting to my illness, I do realize the sterio types associated with mental illness. I wonder some time if someone I know will wander in here and recognize something that I have said. What will there responce be if they do? I know I shouldn't worry about that but I do. Well its late and tomorrow is an early day.
I am bipolar, and I am beginning to be bolder about acknowledging that. The rub is that I have lost two jobs directly related to my illness. This makes it difficult for me to talk about it. If I had Diabeties then no one would think twice about it. They would understand the expensive medical treatments. But because it is a "Mental Illness" they do not understand.
It is sad really. There is so much that we can learn from those who have mental illnesses. Some of our greatest thinkers, artist, and such had some form of mental illness. Everytime I post here it is a scary experience. While I am growing bolder in admitting to my illness, I do realize the sterio types associated with mental illness. I wonder some time if someone I know will wander in here and recognize something that I have said. What will there responce be if they do? I know I shouldn't worry about that but I do. Well its late and tomorrow is an early day.
01 January 2006
Happy New Year
Well the new year is on us. We went over to my parent's house for a party. Surprisingly even my son and my nephews seemed to get along. Some minor problems but none near as bad as we had at Christmas. We did go see Narnia this afternoon with my son and 6 year old daughter. I wanted to take my 14 year old too, but she balked so much that we let her stay home. She was also upset that she had to go to the party at my parents. She wanted to go to a party at her boy friends house. She did not seem to understand my concerns with her being out that late with her boyfriend. I am not sure I did the best job explaining my concerns. She is growing up, and I know that I have to start letting go and trusting more. I cannot protect her forever but I do want to protect her for as long as I can. Its a father thing I guess.
I want this new year to be different. I want to bring my family back together after all that has happened to tear them apart over the past couple of years. I just wish there was a clear way to go. Some instruction book that told me how to do what needs to be done. That is the problem with life there is no instruction manual. No way to tell if your making a mistake until after you have made it.
I want this new year to be different. I want to bring my family back together after all that has happened to tear them apart over the past couple of years. I just wish there was a clear way to go. Some instruction book that told me how to do what needs to be done. That is the problem with life there is no instruction manual. No way to tell if your making a mistake until after you have made it.
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