Venting

I think I just need a place to vent tonight. If your not into listening to someone vent, please just hit the delete key now. It seems that no matter what we do life is turning on us. I wonder sometimes if even God is left on our side. It started, last year January when the bottom of our world fell out. I lost my job (fired) and it took us a while to get things under control. That was my first hospitalize for depression in several years. Things were tough financially but we were hanging in there. Then I finally did find a job, and things went ok until September when I had my second hospitalization. So much was happening and now here I was out of work again. My wife was struggleing with her own illness (ADHD/Depression possible bipolar) and my son's (ADHD/depression possible bipolar) and our finances went in the crapper. We started to float checks and eventually it caught up with us. Once I got back to work we tried to catch up but could not keep ahead of the bounced check fees etc. We ended up having to switch banks because our old bank would not work with us at all. Despite letters from them offering to help, and us calling, and writing emails asking to take advantage of those offers, nothing was ever done. It was a viscous cycle.

In the hospital the medications prescribed worked but my Insurance decided out of the hospital it would not cover one of my prescriptions (Provigil). I am on Ritilin now and it is a poor substitute. I work third shift and the hours are just killing me. My medication schedule means that I have to keep the same basic schedule on my days off. My relationship with my family is really suffering.

The same time that I went back to work we faxed over a change of income form to the housing department. The claimed they never got it, but it somehow showed up in our chart, with the date stamp conveniently cut off. After a review it was determined that "we were at fault for not turning in a timely notice, but that we would not have to repay the difference in the rent amounts." Can you say CYA. Then come November and the beginning of all the chaos surrounding the holidays. During this time we had our annual housing inspection. The inspector not picked the house to death. Holes in screens, a minor crack in a water faucet handle, stains on the carpet, a broken ceiling tile in the bathroom, were all things that had passed without mention the year before. The landlord came over once to review the repairs and we never saw him again. Despite calls that were never returned. We ended up initiating the repairs ourselves. All that we could do. Our housing caseworker assured us that since the landlord was at fault in not making the repairs that we would not be liable for the difference in the rent. Then we get a letter that stated that since "we" did not let our landlord in to the unit to make repairs we were being terminated from the housing program. We sent in our appeal to the decision but that too was lost for a time until it was late.

In the mean time our landlord committed suicide. His father is taking over the property so that is a small ray of light in the whole mess. Our appeal of the denial of the appeal was turned down. We have had three denials and have not even had the courtesy of presenting our case. We got a notice today that we are being sent to a collection agency for not paying a school registration fee (which we were assured by the principle would be waived back in September). And my wife got stopped for a headlight out, only to find that her license had been suspended back in November. Something about failing to pay a fine. The only fine we can think of was paid, and we never got notice of the suspension. The only thing that we can figure is that it was one of the checks that bounced, but we thought we had taken care of all of them (or at least made arrangements for them).

Speaking of bounced checks we are again in a pickle due to a mathematical error and a fanatical bank policy. Right now half a dozen checks for about $400 are sitting with the local police department, and they need to be paid by the end of the month. We still have $200 dollars worth written to the place I work (yeah, I was written up for that), but they at least are being somewhat flexible. There are a handful of misc. checks out there that need to be taken care of and they are all demanding immediate payment. The checks already with the police will turn into $475 dollar tickets a piece if not paid by the end of the month.

My son (the one with ADHD is on a rampage and seriously acting up in school again. My daughter is given up on the 6th grade and has stopped applying herself to 95% of her classes. I have stopped wondering what more could go wrong because it always seems that something can. I am honestly at the end of my ropes, and have no idea where to turn. Our church has helped us so much in the past I hate to go to them yet again. Both of our parents are tapped financially. I too will soon be faced with past due utility bills that we have been lucky not to have turned off due to a winter moratorium. That will be ending soon.

Well I suppose I should end this email. I just needed a place to vent. Someone's shoulder to cry on for a while. Just not sure what I am doing wrong. Is this some sort of cosmic judgment. I am so trying to stay faithful, to not shake my fist at God and demand an answer. I have pleaded for one, but have not received one. I have no strength left to fight. I don't even think I want to keep fighting at times.

Day 2: I am not an accident

It does seem like it at times. This strange concoction that is my life. Much of it I did not ask for and would not wish on my own worst enemy. Why did God allow the things to happen to me that did? To what end do they serve? If I had been planning my life there are alot of things I would leave out, my mental illness for one. Number two would be the sexual abuse and the resulting sexualization of my young life. The combination of the two lead for some turmultuous years that still effect me to this day.

There are other areas of my life that God spared me from. I have to believe that in his infinate mercy he knew that those pits would have been too much for me to handle. What if I had never made that step toward God. I would not have had the dichotomous life that I had growing up. Having to be one thing on the outside but compelled to be another beneath the surface. I wonder sometimes if I could go back, back before the snowball started to roll down hill. If I could just have said something to someone. Said the right thing to make them see that I really needed help. I have a hard time describing how I feel now, I had no idea what depression or bipolar were back then. I had no idea what a sexual addiction was, and how I was using it to medicate the pain short term, but how the guilt would fuel the depression. I had not idea, and yet I have to believe that it was not an accident. I must confess I do not understand how this could NOT be an accident. If it was not an accident, then I want to scream, "Why did he turn a blind eye to all of it!" Yet even as I do I realize that worse things could have happened. Things I was saved from. Deep inside the truth that I am not an accident resonates.

I do not understand what purpose it could be for, but it is all for a purpose. If it were not, it would be like cutting the last thread that holds this fragile existance together.

The Brat Pack

The Brat Pack. Not quite sure what I am getting myself into but I have joined a group on the internet known as Brat Pack. They seem like a friendly enough group and are into graphics. I consider myself a beginner when it comes to my graphic skills so I joined to improve my skills. Little did I know I would be there first and so far only male member. Should be an interesting endeavor to say the least.

On a different note, I have started reading Rick Warren's book "A purpose Diven Life". It is a 40 day adventure type book, with 40 small chapters to be read over consecutive days. Todays chapter was basically about the truth "It's not about you." That is a hard concept to really sink in. I know its not about me, but when your dealing with bipolar it is easy to make it all about you or to make it completely not about you. Personally aI do not think that either extreme is really that healthy. While the search for human purpose is indeed not about me, it is about God and his purpose for our lives, we are in the picture.

We cannot disassociate ourselves from our search for purpose. We must seek to find what God's purpose is for us, not what we want his purpose to be.

Raising a Modern-Day Knight

Raising a Modern-Day Knight. I found this article interesting since I was going to touch on the subject matter anyway. With me working nights it has been ever increasingly more difficult to do the things that I used to with my DS. I was up to this job VERY active with the local cub scout pack. This year is his last year of Webelos. He moves up into Boy Scouts next in a couple of months. Up until this year I was his Den leader and my DW helped as an assistant DL. However this year I have had to push most if not all the DL responsibility onto my DW. She has handled it gracefully, but I know it was not a role that she really wanted.

I wonder some times if it is too late. You see DS and I have our differences. It is difficult for his 12 year old mind to understand his own ADHD, let alone his Dad's Bipolar. Most of the time he sees me as the disciplinarian, the one who yells alot. I really do not want to have that define our relationship, and scouts was one way that we were reconecting. I am hoping that will start to change with Boy Scouts. It is a balancing act to know how much he wants my involvement and how much he wants independence. I'd like to see how he does with a different leader other then his Mom and me. My thought at present is to take a year off and re-enter the cub dens at a tiger (first grade) level, even thoiugh we have no boys in that group.

I wish there was an easy answer. I think about my own relationship with my father (or lack there of) alot. I am trying to be the best father and husband I can with little or no practicle example to follow. That is however a subject for a whole new post.

Update

Financial: Life is still a mess. We have lost our housing and are attempting to appeal that decision, but it doesn't look good. Our landlord has committed suicide, so just who owns the property and to whom we need to pay rent is anyone's guess. Student loans still have us in debt to the nth degree. I have the opportunity to go back to school, but that will create several problems with the finances.

Work: I got my third day off, that is a VERY good thing. Hopefully that will take some of the pressure off that working third shift has created.

Spiritual: Read my Blog on the passion for details. The third day off has made it somewhat easier for me to attend Church. It still was very difficult. Life would be so much easier if I could just work a "normal" shift, all the way around.

Home: Still a lot of chaos, but it seems to at least be slowing down if not getting better. DW and I don't talk as much as I would like, but at least we are not fighting as much as we did. Intimacy is an up and down thing but that is life with bipolar and ADHD.

Health: We are still up in the air. My therapist has left my HMO so I am without a therapist yet again. My Psychiatrist is also moving to limit the number of family members she will treat within one family to one. My DW has decided that it is best that our son stay with her and that we seek other doctors. All of this is very frustrating and a little scary to me.

The Passion

I suppose it was inevitable that I address this movie here eventually. Now seems as good a time as any. My wife and I went with a group from our Church to see it opening night. The range of human emotions ran through me, but in a way that was unexpected even to me. To understand my response one needs to know that I cannot view a sappy cartoon without crying. I fully expected this to be my primary reaction as I witnessed the brutality against my God. I did weep, but not as much as I had expected.

What hit me hardest was that this level of brutality was even necessary. My separation from God was so real, so absolutely complete that Christ had this terrible price that needed to be paid to redeem me. Others who do not understand the Holiness of God see this as an example of God's wrath. If God had chosen wrath, it would have been simpler to start over to wipe us all off the face of his earth. Instead he chose to redeem us. To buy us back as it were.

One of the things that touched me was the reaction of Judas. He was tormented because he had betrayed the Son of Man. Yet his sin was no more severe then that of Peter, who betrayed him three times. So what was the source of his torment. You cannot come away without realizing that Satan was behind the torment. But he was behind Peter's as well. Some of the last words Jesus spoke to Peter was that Satan had asked to sift him. (ok my paraphrase). Judas had but to reach out to Christ, rather then take matters into his own hands and I believe like Peter he would have been restored.

Depression leads many to contemplate, attempt and even succeed at taking there own lives. I have been there, and have seen suicide from many different angles. Just recently our landlord took his own life, only days before he had planned on seeing this movie himself. The odd thing is all I saw was a man who was making my life difficult, and was causing us to loose our housing. I did not see him as a man for whom Christ died, and in need of salvation.

While I know the desperation that pushes a person to suicide, one of the main things that I came away from this movie with was a sense of acceptance. Judas felt condemnation, but Jesus offers us forgiveness in exchange for the condemnation that Satan offers. I still find myself listening to the condemnation, but the images of the beating help to bring me back. They help me focus on the reality that Christ did that for me. I must be worth something for him to have paid such a terrible price to redeem me.

It has also had another unexpected result. It makes me think twice when temptations come. Temptations come to all of us. It has helped me to focus, so I know what the end result of those temptations. The result of all temptation to sin is found in the crucifixion. Christ's death paid the price for my sin, both those I have committed and those I will commit. I now have a clearer picture of what that "little sin" really costs.