It does seem like it at times. This strange concoction that is my life. Much of it I did not ask for and would not wish on my own worst enemy. Why did God allow the things to happen to me that did? To what end do they serve? If I had been planning my life there are alot of things I would leave out, my mental illness for one. Number two would be the sexual abuse and the resulting sexualization of my young life. The combination of the two lead for some turmultuous years that still effect me to this day.
There are other areas of my life that God spared me from. I have to believe that in his infinate mercy he knew that those pits would have been too much for me to handle. What if I had never made that step toward God. I would not have had the dichotomous life that I had growing up. Having to be one thing on the outside but compelled to be another beneath the surface. I wonder sometimes if I could go back, back before the snowball started to roll down hill. If I could just have said something to someone. Said the right thing to make them see that I really needed help. I have a hard time describing how I feel now, I had no idea what depression or bipolar were back then. I had no idea what a sexual addiction was, and how I was using it to medicate the pain short term, but how the guilt would fuel the depression. I had not idea, and yet I have to believe that it was not an accident. I must confess I do not understand how this could NOT be an accident. If it was not an accident, then I want to scream, "Why did he turn a blind eye to all of it!" Yet even as I do I realize that worse things could have happened. Things I was saved from. Deep inside the truth that I am not an accident resonates.
I do not understand what purpose it could be for, but it is all for a purpose. If it were not, it would be like cutting the last thread that holds this fragile existance together.
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