Happy Birthday

I cannot believe that this experiment has lasted an entire year. I know that I could have written more but I think things have gone fairly well for the first year. It looks like through the generous donation of space by Rampant Lion Web Design we will have at least another year to come. I want to do more with the site, it is just hard to deal with everything that has been happening and keep a positive attitude. Working with the Brat Pack has helped. Even if I do not write as often as I want, the Pack has helped me keep the site active by posting some of my creative expressions on the web. I enjoy graphics and it is great fun to be pushed to complete something every week.

A View from My World is one year old. What do I want from the year to come? Well I want to see more consistent writing. Hopefully we can even generate some discussion in the bulletin board section of the Community pages. I want to work on some special projects like a History of my disease. How did I get where I am. For that matter where am I? (Is that even a proper sentence?) Anyway trying to get a handle on my disease and the day to day fluctuations in my emotional balance will be one of the key items up for discussion.

Well I am starting to babble, and that is a bad thing. Lack of sleep can do that to you. That is one of the problems with this experiment. When I have time to write I am also exhausted from working all night. Makes for some very disjointed entries. Bare with me, hopefully year 2 will be a better year all the way around then year 1 was.

Random Thoughts

Thought I would take a few spare minutes and write a bit. Waiting on my wife to get back from the store. It is very agrivating because she has this habbit of doing this when I have to go to work. So I am left wondering if she is going to make it back in time. That is life, one of those things that I cannot chage.

Life is life right now. I have not been 100% in taking my medication so my moods have been fluctuating a little. Ok, fluctuating alot lately. Its better then when I was off the meds but it still is not really good. The weight of our financial situation is a tremendous burden.

My daughter said the other day that she would rather be dead then poor like we are. She didn't know I was still awake and was talking to her mother. She couldn't know how very much her words hurt. I would give almost anything to be able to bring enough money in to meet our needs. As it is there is not enough to pay everything we need to. Seems we are always robbing Peter to pay Paul as the saying goes. Doesn't look like we will have enough money to even send the kids to the fair this year.

Well the wife is home so I will close for now. Hopefully I will write more often in the future.

A curse.....

Financial pressures still exist, that is not going to change very soon. Emotionally I am doing ok, not great and not poor, just ok. I am back on my medications which has helped a lot.Life still seems to be a series of chaotic steps, faltering steps. Sometimes it seems like we just cannot catch a break. I have a possibility o going back to school. Going to get some formal education in computers. It scares me.

Do I still have what it takes to be a student. Can the family survive anf how will the finances be worked out. Mostly I wonder if I can still manage to learn anything new.

I still struggle with an incredible sense of loneliness that pervades my life. I really do try and fit in, like at church, but I get this sense thaat I am still just an outsider looking in. I want to go back home, but my wife wants to stay here. She would really like to move back near her parents I think. Thats all I need. I would really be the odd one out if we did that.

No home is where I want to be. Wife says that it will not be like I remember it, and she is probably right. Still there were friends. File brankruptcy and move up North thats the plan. Yeah right, wife would never go along with it. Maybe it is just wishful thinking. Maybe it is just a memory I am chasing. Maybe I am just running from something. I just wish I knew what it was.

Wife thinks I have lost my dream. She has a point. I consider myself lucky to make it to tomorrow, so how can I dream about the future. Has God abandoned me? I don't have an answer for that question. Oh, I know the standard answer. I am told not to trust my feelings. Yet what else do I have. I have no dream. Everything that has happened over the past two years none of it makes any sense.

If I could I would send my wife and kids away and go off by myself and end it all. Part of what keeps me from doing that is I do not whant to have them have to deal with the mess. That and I know it would cause pain to those I leave behind. Not that they wouldn't be better off without me, they just don't know it. There is a curse on my life and they are caught up in it. If I thought that by my stepping out of the picture I could end that curse and thus free them to live I would.

Well enough of my ramblings. I know suicide is not the answer, it would just make matters worse. Yet I can fully understand why some people choose it as an answer. I just wish I knew what it was I have done to be under such a curse.