Financial pressures still exist, that is not going to change very soon. Emotionally I am doing ok, not great and not poor, just ok. I am back on my medications which has helped a lot.Life still seems to be a series of chaotic steps, faltering steps. Sometimes it seems like we just cannot catch a break. I have a possibility o going back to school. Going to get some formal education in computers. It scares me.
Do I still have what it takes to be a student. Can the family survive anf how will the finances be worked out. Mostly I wonder if I can still manage to learn anything new.
I still struggle with an incredible sense of loneliness that pervades my life. I really do try and fit in, like at church, but I get this sense thaat I am still just an outsider looking in. I want to go back home, but my wife wants to stay here. She would really like to move back near her parents I think. Thats all I need. I would really be the odd one out if we did that.
No home is where I want to be. Wife says that it will not be like I remember it, and she is probably right. Still there were friends. File brankruptcy and move up North thats the plan. Yeah right, wife would never go along with it. Maybe it is just wishful thinking. Maybe it is just a memory I am chasing. Maybe I am just running from something. I just wish I knew what it was.
Wife thinks I have lost my dream. She has a point. I consider myself lucky to make it to tomorrow, so how can I dream about the future. Has God abandoned me? I don't have an answer for that question. Oh, I know the standard answer. I am told not to trust my feelings. Yet what else do I have. I have no dream. Everything that has happened over the past two years none of it makes any sense.
If I could I would send my wife and kids away and go off by myself and end it all. Part of what keeps me from doing that is I do not whant to have them have to deal with the mess. That and I know it would cause pain to those I leave behind. Not that they wouldn't be better off without me, they just don't know it. There is a curse on my life and they are caught up in it. If I thought that by my stepping out of the picture I could end that curse and thus free them to live I would.
Well enough of my ramblings. I know suicide is not the answer, it would just make matters worse. Yet I can fully understand why some people choose it as an answer. I just wish I knew what it was I have done to be under such a curse.
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