Without much fan fair I have unrolled a new community website. If you scroll down the right hand menu you will see the community link. There you can post your own stories, talk with others in our forums, read up on depression or medication in our encyclopedias or check out our humor and inspirational stories sections. Community is one of the things we all need to help confirm what we already know, we are not alone.
Knowing that, and REALLY understanding that can be two different things. My medication has me on a more or less even keel. Work is still physically demanding and I am frustrated by the hours but I can deal with that. What I miss most is not having that one or two real friendships. I have a few Internet friendships but not any real brick and mortar friendships. I know that Internet relationships cannot truly reach the same level as the brick and mortar ones but they are (in my mind) better then no relationships at all. The Internet is also a way to bring back relationships from the past. I have invited some key friends that physical distance prevents me from having an ongoing brick and mortar relationship with. The Internet can allow them to enter in and to share my current life. Community I think is a good word for it.
What can you do to help the community. First register. Its simple, its free and its safe. You do not have to give your full name or email address to anyone but me, others will only see your screen name if that is what you wish. Let others know we are here. One easy way is if you have those in your life who you have a difficult time communicating your struggle with your disease, just have them read my log. I am not a perfect spokesman for depression. I struggle everyday with the very things I write about. I live on a day by day basis, and most of my days are filled with work and struggling to stay awake and keep up my medication. Those three things consume most of my day.
I am slowly adding in the creation of a solid internet presence. With the creation of Rampant Lion Web Design. With my reworking our churches website, and creating a website for a youth organization in Northern Wisconsin. This has allowed me the opportunity to build this community. My prayer is that God will build the house. Why do I want the community to be a success? Is it so that I can gloat with my own pride? No. I want it to succeed because I need it, and I know there are others out there who need it. Others need a place to go, to talk with those who know what the struggle. I need a place to talk. A part of me needs to know that someone is reading my words, someone is hearing what I have to say. I don't need to everyone to agree, I do need to be heard.
Mostly prayer with me that God will bless AVFMW and its community.
On a late day in September 2010 my life changed forever. Now its time to pick up the pieces and see where the road leads from here.
28 October 2003
18 October 2003
Isolation
Financially we are still in the pits. I ask those who read this to make this a focus of some urgent prayer. Most immediately we need about $3,500.00 to get us to the point we were before my most recent hospitalization. I have contacted NAMI and am looking for a referral for a lawyer who can handle bankruptcy and a SSI/Disability claim. Immediate needs include bringing our checking account back into the black catching up on utilities, paying for the car and redeeming all of our bounced checks.
It is hard to not feel down when you are staring at that debt plus past debts that push that number up 20 times the immediate need. The medication is helping, and I need to make my second counseling appointment. Life is a stress factory and this night shift is beginning to get to me again. I am fighting to stay awake at home and maintain my schedule. Everything that is done seems to be geared toward a 1st or 2nd shift schedule. It would be so VERY easy to use the schedule as a reason to isolate. Its a catch-22 for me. If I go to church or events I feel like hell because it throws off my sleep schedule. If maintain my sleep schedule then it is easer to not do it the next time. Then the true isolation starts. It is worsened by the fact that I have medications that must be taken at HS (Hours of Sleep) and in the AM.
While we are on the subject of isolation, I have a question. Why? Why do we do the one thing that seems to make us worse? Why do we isolate from those we love, and who love us? I am not sure that I know the answer to that one. I know that left to my own that is exactly what I would do. Personally I see it a lot like AIDS. AIDS has this insidious way of attacking the immune system. (My understanding-- It prevents the production of white blood cells to prevent infection. Actually taking over and converting the systems that normally produce the white blood cells into systems to reproduce itself. Thus it robs your body of the thing it needs most to fight off the HIV virus.) Isolation is like that with depression, and I suppose other mental illnesses. It robs us of one of the most significant tools we have to fight the symptoms of our disease.
What does the person with depression need. They need companionship. They need friendship. Let me rephrase that I need friendship, and companionship. I need someone with whom I can just get together on a Saturday (ok were back to sleep schedules here) or when ever and just do something. We need to be able to laugh together, without seeing laughter in and of itself as a cure for my disease. We need to be able to cry together without seeing crying as a relapse. I remember my best friend and I in High School just sitting in his room. He would lay on his bed and I would read the latest batch of poetry he would write. We would discuss it every now and then, and just shoot the breeze. It was more then that though it was the cement that kept us both sane (or fairly so) through some very termultuous times in our lives.
It is said that men need three men in there lives. They need a Paul, a mentor, someone they can trust and look up to. They need a Timothy, a ward, to whom they can impart the wisdom they have gained. They also need a Barnabus, an encourager, someone who can come along side. I think the same can be said for all of us, male or female. It is in these relationships that we are all formed and completed. Wisdom flows in, wisdom flows out, and we have someone there to stir it up enough to make sure some of it sticks.
It is hard to not feel down when you are staring at that debt plus past debts that push that number up 20 times the immediate need. The medication is helping, and I need to make my second counseling appointment. Life is a stress factory and this night shift is beginning to get to me again. I am fighting to stay awake at home and maintain my schedule. Everything that is done seems to be geared toward a 1st or 2nd shift schedule. It would be so VERY easy to use the schedule as a reason to isolate. Its a catch-22 for me. If I go to church or events I feel like hell because it throws off my sleep schedule. If maintain my sleep schedule then it is easer to not do it the next time. Then the true isolation starts. It is worsened by the fact that I have medications that must be taken at HS (Hours of Sleep) and in the AM.
While we are on the subject of isolation, I have a question. Why? Why do we do the one thing that seems to make us worse? Why do we isolate from those we love, and who love us? I am not sure that I know the answer to that one. I know that left to my own that is exactly what I would do. Personally I see it a lot like AIDS. AIDS has this insidious way of attacking the immune system. (My understanding-- It prevents the production of white blood cells to prevent infection. Actually taking over and converting the systems that normally produce the white blood cells into systems to reproduce itself. Thus it robs your body of the thing it needs most to fight off the HIV virus.) Isolation is like that with depression, and I suppose other mental illnesses. It robs us of one of the most significant tools we have to fight the symptoms of our disease.
What does the person with depression need. They need companionship. They need friendship. Let me rephrase that I need friendship, and companionship. I need someone with whom I can just get together on a Saturday (ok were back to sleep schedules here) or when ever and just do something. We need to be able to laugh together, without seeing laughter in and of itself as a cure for my disease. We need to be able to cry together without seeing crying as a relapse. I remember my best friend and I in High School just sitting in his room. He would lay on his bed and I would read the latest batch of poetry he would write. We would discuss it every now and then, and just shoot the breeze. It was more then that though it was the cement that kept us both sane (or fairly so) through some very termultuous times in our lives.
It is said that men need three men in there lives. They need a Paul, a mentor, someone they can trust and look up to. They need a Timothy, a ward, to whom they can impart the wisdom they have gained. They also need a Barnabus, an encourager, someone who can come along side. I think the same can be said for all of us, male or female. It is in these relationships that we are all formed and completed. Wisdom flows in, wisdom flows out, and we have someone there to stir it up enough to make sure some of it sticks.
08 October 2003
Events
I thought of just errasing the prevvious entry but decided against it. In a paper and pen journal I would not be given that luxury. Today went remarkably well. I had a morning meeting with the man who will be my new therepist. Seems like a nice enough sort of man. Got lost on the way, was like 20 minutes late and spent most of my session filling out paperwork. then on the ride home (actually my wife was driving to see our psychiatrist) we ran out of gas. She missed her appointment and we waited for my dad to come and fill the tank we had $1.00 to our name. We came home and got a disconect notice on our ellectric and water bill. We owed $306.00 and had to come up with half that to avoid disconection tomorrow morning at 9am. Mom again to the rescue. I hate doing that. We have had to rely on my parents and my in-laws so much it is staggering.
My parents, My in-laws, our church in general, various people at church, our pastor all have done so much for us financially. I feel at such a great loss as to how to thank them for there efforts and yet the crisis still goes on.
My parents, My in-laws, our church in general, various people at church, our pastor all have done so much for us financially. I feel at such a great loss as to how to thank them for there efforts and yet the crisis still goes on.
Which Direction
I hate crossroads. Invariably you have to choose one direction from the possible choices arrayed before you. Seldom are you given the opportunity to go back. Even rarer are the occasions when going back would be an option worth considering. There are reasons why cities spring up around crossroads. People hate the choice, hate it so much so that they would rather stagnate at the cross road the pursue either avenue. The problem is that we are not met to stagnate. We are meant by our creator to be growing. The problem isn't so much the types of choices available (I think that does play a factor) but in the fact that we have choices to make.
The choice as I see it ahead of me is do I embrace my disease. Do I try to live in the "real" world in a state of denial of my mental illness. I have in many ways begun to do that, by sharing with those whom I am close to that I have this illness. This Blog has helped somewhat in that regard. It is more to that. ................
[note: I know the thoughts that I want to say, and maybe at a later date I can say them. The problem is they are trapped within the confusion that is my brain right now. Simply put that train went a whole different direction then I intended it to do and derailed shortly after leaving the station]
The choice as I see it ahead of me is do I embrace my disease. Do I try to live in the "real" world in a state of denial of my mental illness. I have in many ways begun to do that, by sharing with those whom I am close to that I have this illness. This Blog has helped somewhat in that regard. It is more to that. ................
[note: I know the thoughts that I want to say, and maybe at a later date I can say them. The problem is they are trapped within the confusion that is my brain right now. Simply put that train went a whole different direction then I intended it to do and derailed shortly after leaving the station]
06 October 2003
Hope
Hope, it is the one thing that Depression robs you of that I miss the most. Today was an interesting day, it was a day of hope. It started out awful. DW trying to wake me up to go to church. Didn't happen. I woke up when they cam home the vivrin she tried to give me still sitting on the pillow next to me. We had decided to have the pastor and his wife over (due to having a successful couple of days cleaning up the CHAOS.) Besides it really has been way to long since we have had anyone over. My DW made this wonderful roast. (Crock Pots are wonderful tools). Anyway finally made it up a little around noon. Did ok most of the day. Wife had this list of things that still needed to get done. The list was daunting and I struggled with the urge to chuck it and get on the computer. Having the list made it easier. I knew what was expected in advance. We got everything done although we were getting dressed as they drove up
We had a wonderful dinner, and even got to say Happy Birthday to them with a special cake that DW had made. We discussed things of the web and a few church related things. I found myself very animated. Maybe I am just hitting my stride into a manic phase. Oh God I hope not. It has been a while since I talked about anything that animated. The lights of hope are beginning to come on. It is a scary feeling as well.
Scary, yeah I know it sounds weird to even say that. I fear the crash. The sudden bone jarring crash that tells me the rug is being pulled out from under me yet again. At work there is a quite common occurrence. We use a ladder to lift product up to the risers, we have several different sizes. Inevitably your left foot is on the last rung and you reach with your right foot for the floor only to realize it just passed the last wrung you though you were standing on. It is in that moment, that split second that lasts an eternity that your mind realizes the jar it is about to feel. You step down the ladder ever so gingerly for a while and then get comfortable.
I can choose to stay on the ladder. Grab hold with both hands moving neither foot up or down. That would be a pretty boring life. Not one worth living much. All you can do is try to be careful, stay alert, look for warning signs, and when you do fall, cause we all will. Its part of that sin nature. Have a plan in place to make sure the fall isn't to far and someone is there to pick you up.
Another way of looking at it is in the song on the radio as I type this "...pain hurts, but only for a minute, life is short so live it..." Life's too short, and I will need all you folks to remind me of that fact when I start to crash .
We had a wonderful dinner, and even got to say Happy Birthday to them with a special cake that DW had made. We discussed things of the web and a few church related things. I found myself very animated. Maybe I am just hitting my stride into a manic phase. Oh God I hope not. It has been a while since I talked about anything that animated. The lights of hope are beginning to come on. It is a scary feeling as well.
Scary, yeah I know it sounds weird to even say that. I fear the crash. The sudden bone jarring crash that tells me the rug is being pulled out from under me yet again. At work there is a quite common occurrence. We use a ladder to lift product up to the risers, we have several different sizes. Inevitably your left foot is on the last rung and you reach with your right foot for the floor only to realize it just passed the last wrung you though you were standing on. It is in that moment, that split second that lasts an eternity that your mind realizes the jar it is about to feel. You step down the ladder ever so gingerly for a while and then get comfortable.
I can choose to stay on the ladder. Grab hold with both hands moving neither foot up or down. That would be a pretty boring life. Not one worth living much. All you can do is try to be careful, stay alert, look for warning signs, and when you do fall, cause we all will. Its part of that sin nature. Have a plan in place to make sure the fall isn't to far and someone is there to pick you up.
Another way of looking at it is in the song on the radio as I type this "...pain hurts, but only for a minute, life is short so live it..." Life's too short, and I will need all you folks to remind me of that fact when I start to crash .
03 October 2003
A Week and a Half Out
Been out of the Hospital a week and a half. Still MA will not pick up my medication. Damn HMO is all I have to say. I really wonder how much longer I can answer the Homicidal thoughts question in the negative and still mean it. At times it can be just so VERY agrivating. DW is trying to be so understanding, trying to keep the pressure off. I know it is frustrating for her. Without the meds I am left to sleep the day away, with and that leaves her with one more burden to carry to fight for my meds.
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