Isolation

Why do I tend to isolate myself? That is the question I have been asking myself lately. Maybe it is an attempt to shield myself from further pain. I have not been to church except for one occasion since my last hospitalization. At first I was just too embarased. I have not made a very public expression of my illness. I had lost my job for the second time in 2 years. When I came home from the hospital I just didn't want to face anyone. Maybe part of it was that I was a little disapointed in how few people actually came to visit or write or call. Part of it is I think my wife kept it a secret. I know when my son was hospitalized she didn't want alot of people to know. In her own way she is afraid of how people will react. Mostly I think I just didn't want to have to answer any questions about why I was in the hospital.

The more my absence was made an issue (by my wife and the pastor) the more I didn't want to come back. Then came my job. Working third shift on both Sunday and Monday nights makes it very difficult to stay awake. I have been working on my stamina and last week I actually stayed up until my wife got home. I was fair at work the next night. I just wish I wouldn't keep getting the comments. Night before last a coworker who occassionally attends my church mentioned that the Pastor had asked him to tell me that I should come back. It upset me a little. My wife thought it was funny.

They act as if I do not want to go back. I do. I am just afraid. I was a leader in the church. I was up for election as a member of the church board. I taught adult sunday school. Now I am left wondering if God has abandoned me. Like C. S. Lewis it is not that I am beginning to not believe in God that scares me, it is what I am starting to think about God that scares me. Intellectually I still know that God exists. If he is the loving and compasionate God that I have always professed where is he in my hour of need. Then I answer that with the observation that part of this is a need of my own making. As much as I do not "want" to belive this, I am really beginning to feel that my depression is a result of my sin.

I know, I know that is not true. But it is a struggle of intelect verses emotions. What I need is someone who can come along side me, and carry me back to the God I once knew. Not goad me into coming back to a church that may or may not even care if I am there. My pastor has invited me out to breakfast a couple times. I could tell he was trying his best to just be friends, trying too hard. He mentioned only briefly that I was missed and that he "needed" me back at church. Need, everyone seems to need something from me. My pastor who is hopelessly overworked need me. He needs someone who can teach Sunday School. My wife needs me to help her with the house. My kids need me to be an example and a good father. The Cub Scout pack needs me to be a good leader. My boss needs me to put out 1 pallet of freight per hour. All my life I have been the one who has to buck up and do the right thing. I do not want to do the right thing anymore. I do not want to be the strong one. I want to be the one who needs something, and not have to feel guilty that I do. I need a real friend. Someone who will not judge me, but will accept me for who I am and where I am at that moment. I need Jesus, but I need him to wear clothes and walk this earth in flesh and blood.