It started Sunday morning after I had just come off a 9 hour shift. It had been a fairly light night as far as freight goes so I was in a fairly decent mood. I had not been back to church except on one occasion since my hospitalization and loss of job in March of 2003. I was determined to make it to church. It was a typical Sunday morning, lots of yelling and trying to get 4 unmotivated kids out the door in time for Sunday School. I almost gave up at that point. Sunday mornings getting ready for Church can be some of the most unchristian times in our household. My wife gets into the pressure of we have to get ready and all get out of the door by a certain time. Anyway thats the subject for anotehr entry.
Church was, well ok. Nothing spectacular. Sunday School left a little to be desitred in my book. More preaching then teaching, but then the available supply of teachers is pretty low. I should note this is my class, or it used to be before I was hospitalized. I taught the adult class. Anyway after the ussual church service, and getting home about noon, I was wide awake. I finally went to sellp around 2 pm. Up for work again at 9 pm. Work was basically uneventful. On the way home I noticed a fellow employee and gave him a ride home. Finally got home about 9 am. Then it was off to a town about 30 miles away to see my respiratory therapist. DW drove and I slept in the back seat. Spent a fairly good morning with DW and two youngest. Even got a chance to do some window shopping around the mall, before hunger got the better of us all. Came home and it was off to bed for a short nap.
Woke up about 6pm and went with DW to a local homeless shelter were my pastor works. They had some furniture that needed to be gotten rid of, and he thought we might be able to use some. We chose a couch and loaded it up in the back of his truck. He said he was going to deliver it later that night. We came home to the smell of something burnt, and lighter fluid in the house. Seems DS decided to play with fire while we were out. Fortunately no damage done. This is a very frustrating thing, not sure if it is a boy thing, and ADHD thing or combination of both.
Anyway DS was put to work taking out the cussions of the old couch and getting it ready to be taken out to the curb. After everything was prepared my wife asked me to help him take it out. Thats when all the trouble really started. DS try as he might was neither good at pushing or pulling. He is only 11 after all. I told my DW that we would need her help if we stood any chance at getting the couch out. My DW was not much help either. I was getting pretty frustrated trying to move this big couch basically by myself. My DW was accusing me of not giving her propper directions to follow, and I was accusing her on not using common sense. Sensing the tension starting to rise I took off to cool down for a while. I drove around the block a couple of times and then came home. Tensions were still high when I got back home. DW wanted the couch outside, and I had no one to help me do it.
So I did the next logical thing. I found my hammer and proceeded into breaking the chouch down so that I would be able to handle it by myself. Angry and frustrated to begin with I chose to take that anger out on an inanimate object and kill two birds with one stone so to speak. I must have been a sight, I can only imagine. DW says I was in a blind rage. I simply remember tearing apart the couch which was rather sturdy for as falling apart as it was
By the time the police arrived I was getting near exhaustion. It is alot of work tearign apart a couch. The officers gave me two choices. Either get a disorderly conduct ticket or go find someplace to stay for the night. Well I grabbed my CPAP machine and headed over to my mothers. I should not one of the officers was kind enough to help me carry the remains of the couch out to the curb before I left.
My wife was on the phone with my doctor, and the hospital most of the day today. I slept most of the day. It all seems like so much of a dream. My choices are day program or evening program, or inpatient. All I know is I am tired. Tired of feeling this way. Tired of dealing with this disease. I am tired of trying and getting so far and falling so far back that it feels like I am starting over. I even revoked my no suicide agreement with my doctor today. Not that I feel like hurting myself, it was just I didn't weant it to get in the way. Funny how a little piece of paper really does seem to get in the way.
So if this BLOG should grow silent for a time, please don't abandon it. I haven't, and I won't. I'll be back just as soon as I can get access to a PC and the internet again.
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