Ghosts from the Past

As a result of the Dreams last night I woke up about 2am. My wife and I had a long talk. My daughter woke up (4 yr old) and started screaming that her bottom hurt. She had mentioned what could have been a molestation incident, and we were going to get her an appointment with the a Therapist to try and get some answers. While my wife took her up th the ER, I did some "playing" on the internet. I looked up an old youth organization I was involved in during High School, and early adulthood. Ok I couldn't find much of a web presence, but I did find links to some Youth Ministries related to the one I was involved with. In fact I am listening to an internet Radio music program hosted by a man who served as Camp Speaker, and Evangelist on a number of occasions. I even wrote a press release for his speaking for the local paper when I was in High School. I think I still have it in one of my scrap books. Anyway its been kind of nice taking a stroll down memory lane. You have to understand High School was 20+ years ago. I was a young whipper snapper, bold in my faith, but carrying this terrible burden. I kept the burden hidden because I was afraid. Oh I tried to tell people. I always seemed to stop short. The problem was I didn't understand it back then.

How does a teenager explain a mental illness. I couldn't. All I knew was it felt better if I did certain things. If I looked at certain images. So I self medicated my depression, my suicidal thoughts. The problem was the medication I chose did not work, and it grew to be its own obsession in my life. Now I still find myself at a loss for how to explain how I feel inside. Why I feel at times like God has abandoned me. I cry out as my Lord cried out, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" For now the heavens remain silent.

Please note, my daughter was examined by the SANE Nurse and no evidence of trauma was observed. Together my wife and the SANE Nuse decided not to do an internal exam at this time. The pain was attributed to Pin Worms. Which were very evident during the external exam. Well Pin Worms can be a nuscense but considering the alternative I am grateful for them.