Dealing with people

It has been, what two months since my last post. Doc has put me on some new medication. Seems to be working great, if I can manage a few of the side effects that is. Almost hate to bring them up to doc as I do not want to loose the benefits of the med. Anyway that is not really the subject of this post.

The subject of this post is my struggle to deal with people and criticisms. More then likely it is perceived criticisms. I am not sure at all if they are meant to be criticisms or not. It is frustrating because I want to throw my hands up and say, "Here you do it, see if you can do any better!" I want to run and hide and not be hurt. I don't really think they are out to hurt me it is just that (yet again) I am betrayed by my feelings.

Those are the times that I think I would give up any benefits I am getting from the meds to go back to not feeling at all. I don't and I won't do that (obviously). At least not of my own volition (that is a subject for another post). I just struggle with this fight or flight response to the littlest things it seems these days. Maybe I am just noticing it more that I am on the meds. You know thinking about it that may be what my depression was all about. Fleeing from everything! Now I know I am doing it, or at least I care about the fact that I am doing it.

Life is funny that way I think. You become depressed to stop feeling the hurt, and you stop feeling everything. Ok, that may be, or that is a very oversimplification of the process. The problem is that you still have the pain when you start to come out of the depression. Or in my case bipolar. I just keep taking it one step at a time, and work through everything as I go but it is so hard not to run. My wife says its an all or nothing attitude (grin). She would like that I admitted its true.

Stigma

Why is there such a stigma associated with Mental Illness. Recently my sone who is diagnosed with bipolar qualified for SSI benefits. Now if our son was disabled and in a wheel chair no one would think twice. Recently my wife commented on the relief it was that we no longer had to worry about his medical care. She was told by a friend that maybe she shouldn't talk about it because people might not understand. My question is understand what?

I am bipolar, and I am beginning to be bolder about acknowledging that. The rub is that I have lost two jobs directly related to my illness. This makes it difficult for me to talk about it. If I had Diabeties then no one would think twice about it. They would understand the expensive medical treatments. But because it is a "Mental Illness" they do not understand.

It is sad really. There is so much that we can learn from those who have mental illnesses. Some of our greatest thinkers, artist, and such had some form of mental illness. Everytime I post here it is a scary experience. While I am growing bolder in admitting to my illness, I do realize the sterio types associated with mental illness. I wonder some time if someone I know will wander in here and recognize something that I have said. What will there responce be if they do? I know I shouldn't worry about that but I do. Well its late and tomorrow is an early day.

Happy New Year

Well the new year is on us. We went over to my parent's house for a party. Surprisingly even my son and my nephews seemed to get along. Some minor problems but none near as bad as we had at Christmas. We did go see Narnia this afternoon with my son and 6 year old daughter. I wanted to take my 14 year old too, but she balked so much that we let her stay home. She was also upset that she had to go to the party at my parents. She wanted to go to a party at her boy friends house. She did not seem to understand my concerns with her being out that late with her boyfriend. I am not sure I did the best job explaining my concerns. She is growing up, and I know that I have to start letting go and trusting more. I cannot protect her forever but I do want to protect her for as long as I can. Its a father thing I guess.

I want this new year to be different. I want to bring my family back together after all that has happened to tear them apart over the past couple of years. I just wish there was a clear way to go. Some instruction book that told me how to do what needs to be done. That is the problem with life there is no instruction manual. No way to tell if your making a mistake until after you have made it.

The Return

I can not believe that almost a year has past since last I wrote on these pages. I turned 41 yesterday not that doing so had much to do with my silence. I have thought about this blog many times and many times I have not when I probably should have. This has been a year from hell quite literally. We lost our home and were forced to move in with my parents late in 2004. Shortly there after I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I say shortly it was one in the same day. That started us down a long winding road that would lead my wife to threaten suicide twice and my son attempt it once himself. Living conditions became unbearable for my wife so she ran out on me took the kids and filed for a restraining order to keep me from seeing her or the kids. We did eventually reconcile but it has been a rough road. We lived for a time in a homeless shelter until we at last quite literally found a house at the last hour.

That has been my year in a nutshell. It was a long painful year. It was a year filled with grief, but also one filled with joy. Life has begun anew in many ways for us. Ohh it has not and is not easy. I am still working a dead end job. It seems that the management is reluctant for whatever reason to move me from my current position to one of greater responsibility. Partially I do not blame them. There are times when I doubt my readiness to take on the responsibility. Will the pressure of such a position just push me back over the edge.

I try to stay focused on the positive things in my life. There is so much negativity around me that it is difficult not to get discouraged. My oldest daughter is 14 and just now discovering boys. She wants little if nothing to do with the family. I wonder some times if she has even turned her back on God. Much of it may just be typical teenage stuff, but there has to be some element of her being effected by the mental illness that plagues our family. My son who like his mother and me is bipolar. He is even with medication VERY difficult to handle. He can have such an explosive temper, and then at other times be the most loving boy you have ever known. He is 13 so telling what is normal adolescent behavior and what is a result of his mental illness is even more difficult then with my daughter. While she retreats into the company of her friends he has no such luxury. How I long for a peer that can come along side him and be his friend despite his differences. I had one or two of those true friends and they made all the difference in my growing up. My 6 year old is following in her brother's footsteps. She is such a chatter box and has to be doing something constantly. Yet the things we need her to be doing she will not do. Our 3 year old is a holy terror. If she isn't into something she is asleep dreaming about getting into something. It is all my wife can do to manage her own symptoms of bipolar but add my 3 year old into the mix and it is a disaster.

That is all for now. There is so much more I could say. I just hope this will not serve as the final entry until next year. So much is changing with the blog and the community, particularly our move to our own domain. I just hope that doing so will draw readers to this place and they will find some comfort, some challenge, or something in the words that I or others will write here.

I am still here

I sit here, and I know that I should be going to bed, but it dawns on me that I have not written in a while. I have been paper journaling from the book 40 days of purpose. A while back I tried to journal the book here, with little success. The paper journal seems to be working.

My wife and I did something two weeks ago that has been phenomenal. Those of you who read regularly (ok there is little regular about this blog) will know that my marriage has seen better days. Several months back I attempted suicide the situation in my marriage had decayed that badly. Well that was before 2 weeks ago. Oh we are still in the same financial moray that we ever were, but our marriage is back on track.

We attended Marriage Restored weekend. Wow, what a diference three days can make. If you have experienced heartache in your marriage man I strongly urge you to give this program a try. It has done wonders for my marriage, and even our kids are starting to see a change after only 2 weeks of using the tools they provide.

Well I'll close for now. Wanted for there to be at least one up beat message in here.