It's been a while since I have written. A lot has happened and a lot has not happened if you know what I mean. We are still in desperate financial situation. I feel like we take one step forward and two steps back when it comes to our finances. I just feel so powerless over my life right now. I was off my medications since about February and just last week my regular physician got me back on them. I know that I should not expect an over night change but I can already see some improvement in the symptoms.
I know there are those of you out there who are reading my ramblings because I get the occasional email from you. I invite you to join in and post in the community section (while I still have the finances to keep it open). I feel somewhat disappointed with the whole experiment of this BLOG as it has not become what I thought it could. Maybe that is my fault for not posting as often. Maybe it was just never meant to be.
What I hate worse about bipolar are the ups and downs. The ups, when I have that brief moment were it looks like I am going to make it. Where it looks like I might actually be accomplishing something. Then the bottom falls out and it seems like the whole thing comes crashing down around us. The despair of failing yet again. The loneliness of knowing that you have disappointed those around you.
Part of the problem is that I know all the right words. I am just not sure if I believe them anymore. Like the man crying out to Jesus, "Lord I believe help my unbelief." I know that scripture teaches that God will never leave us nor forsake us. What do I do when every fiber of my being is crying out that he has left me. I don't know what it is that I have done but I have some how reached a place that even God cannot find me any more. I live a cursed life, everything I touch is cursed. I pray that my wife and children will leave me. Not because I don't love them any more. I do love them. I love them more then life itself. They deserve better then to be shackled to me when the end comes. I want to scream this at the top of my lungs but I am a good Christian so I nod my head when someone tells me that God will come through for me. The words ring hollow and I repeat the words but they are just that words.
Friends gather around me and hold me, but they can do precious little about meeting the mounting crisis. Most either do not know how, or do not have the means. I view a lot of this through the eyes of our current financial crisis because it is the most immediately pressing on us at the moment. But the lessons here apply to the other areas of my life. I have no real solid connections with people in my community. I have no real connection to people in my church. I am involved in a couple of groups on the internet and while there is great love and empathy that can be shared online it can only extend so far. It cannot put an arm around your shoulder while you cry.
I am isolated and alone, even in a crowd of people. That is the worst feeling of all. I need to connect to something. That is why I have taken up my Brat Pack membership again. The creations will be hard for me at first, but I really did miss the friendship of the Ladies in the group. As nice as the group is I still need some male companionship. Even our scout troop has mostly female leadership. DS has his camp out next week and dad gets to go along for the ride. I try to be a steadying influence has he deals with the emotional upheavals of impending adolescence and the complications to that from his ADHD. Who knows he may even be Bipolar like good ol' dad. The doctors just are not willing to commit to that diagnosis.
Hopefully with being on the new medication I will write more. I want to write more topically and less crying about our finances or my lack of friendships. For now I will sign off, I have a topical entry that I will be submitting after I post this one.
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